No one is there

Anagapesis

I am an ugly person.

I dont mean because I think my nose is too big at the end,

Or because no matter what number I get on the scale I will never look as slim as I'd like.

I dont mean for the acne on my skin,

Or the fact my hair is never as beautiful as those shampoo commercials.

I am an ugly person as a whole.

I am ugly because I am difficult.

I bleed and I break.

I yell, and scream, I throw things.

I hit and scratch and fight.

I am an ugly person because I am wrong, but I will argue I am right.

I am ugly because I will say the things I  know to hurt someone.

I am ugly because I am combative and mean. I am too much and not enough all at once.

And,

because I am ugly I know that there is no one who will love me.

Not the way I crave to be loved.

And that is not to say people can't love ugly things.

beauty is subjective I understand this, but there are limits to how much you can love something ugly.

You can love a toddlers drawing of a horse. Even when it is scary and misshapen. Bloated and orange.

But you would not love this drawing in the Louvre because it would not belong.

You can love things that are ugly but eventually you will not. They will be moved from the fridge to some box tucked away.

You can love me too, but eventually I'll be the same.

I will say or be or do something that is too ugly for you to endure.

I had to learn to love myself. 

And I struggle everyday.

How could someone else learn to love these same things when they are not trapped with them inside.

How can someone love something ugly when they can run away.

How can I find someone to love every part of me when I am destroying myself form the inside out.

Who will love watching me bleed and also love watching me heal.

Who will love me when I dont recovery entirely, when I will never be whole again.

Who can love the skin before and still love the scars that come.

I am an ugly person,

I may not be unlovable for a fleeting moment in time. But I can never be loved fully.

I can not be loved deeply when I am too many things at once.

You can not please everyone I know this.

And there are a million, billion people on this earth, I know this too.

But I am an Ugly person.

And ugly people do not get loved.

At least not for long.

C.G.