My Dark Beloved - onc 2023 Ambassadors Pick-Longlisted

.8

Midnight can't come fast enough. At eleven forty-two I'm at the corner hoping Zillah decides to come early. There's a sprinkle of snow on the lamppost I lean up against. Under the pale light I am a beacon waiting for its ship. I take an imaginary cigarette out of an imaginary package and pretend to light it.

The sky is coated with gunky pink and green streaks. It reminds me of dirty fingers. Like a kid's hands after they've played with Play-Doh and slime and swear they've washed. It's, well, gross. I arch a brow and nearly ask the sky if it needs a bar of soap. Those damned streaks lean up against an invisible lamppost of their own, and then they turn my way and stare like they are questioning all my sorta-life's choices.

"Take your judging eyes elsewhere," I say while flicking imaginary ash.

But the streaks get closer. They are twin snakes. Long and smooth. "Sssssso cold outssssside," they hiss in unison.

I shrug and continue smoking.

"The ssssilent type. We dig. Who are you waiting for?"

"I'm waiting for my dark beloved," I reply smugly as if they should already know. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd rather wait alone."

The streaks zip around me before they fling themselves back into the sky. "Sssssuit yourself. But if we were you –"

I shake a fist. "You're not me."

Twirling in circles, they ignore me. "We'd turn around and go back home," the green streak says.

"Where it's nice and warm," pink adds.

Green chants, "Warm, warm, warm."

"Your dark beloved is nothing like that," the pink streak tisks.

"Shut your mouths." I am angry and I'm sure I look like a nut talking to colors in the night sky. And to make it worse, Zilliah's not here to make me not care I'm being teased by damned sky slime. The green streak laughs as it points down to a heart I've drawn on the snow with the toe of my boot. With a grumble, I stomp the heart away. How embarrassing. "Go away," I say and the streak freaks finally do.

I look back up to the sky. It's black. Inky. I puff my lips and pretend I am blowing smoke rings.

It's twelve oh-eight and thirty-two seconds when someone covers my eyes with feathery fingers. "Guess who."

Though I met them a day ago, I know that voice as though it was my own. "Is it the most beautiful creature to ever grace the earth?"

Under the shitty light, they are ethereal and I nearly forget what words are. They look like they are going to visit the queen rather than gallivanting through the snowy streets with the likes of me. Zillah is wearing a warm-looking ivory and copper stripped coat with gold lace trim around the wrists. The coat rests over a long gold gown whose hem sweeps over the fallen snow like a caress.

"Flattery, little bird," they chuckle. "Keep the smooth talk coming because it may get you whatever you want." They lower their hands and walk around to face me.

"Whatever I want?" I am falling into that gaze. Into those lashes so long and dark.

"Mmmhhmm." Their hands are on my face. They feel like ice yet I am not cold. I am on fire. "Tell me your darkest thoughts." Zillah leans in and touches their nose to mine before asking. "What do you want?"

"Excitement. Adventure. Sex. I want to see myself tangled up; inside out. Messy hair and my heart ready to shatter."

"I can give you all those."

I add, "And I want true love." Goddamn, I can nearly taste it. "I have been waiting for a thousand years to feel something..." more than what I have ever felt with Lux, I admit. I love her but...we've become a dull married couple. I feel shame at these thoughts but at the same time, I am electrocuted back into life.

"True love?" Zillah brushes a stray lock of hair out of my eyes.

Tell me to fall on my knees and worship you. I will. "Yeah." You can be my god. My saint. My personal Jesus.

"What is true love anyway?" Zillah asks. "And if you have waited a thousand years to find your true love, what's one more day?"

"I'm tired of waiting. I want having now."

"Ah, but having isn't as fun as wanting, don't you know?" Zillah takes my hand and pulls me away from the light.

The snow falls upon us. It is a veil. I feel flakes melt on my skin.

"But you have not yet told me." Zillah's eyes are magnetic.

I'm confused, "Told you what?"

I am led through the silent winter night.

"Your darkest thoughts."

"I have."

"No, you told me your thoughts. Not the darkest ones. I want to know. I need to know of all of them." They stop and pull me to their chest. I feel a single heart beat. "I want to give you those. The dark ones you desire."

I do not easily share secrets. I don't go blurting to strangers what I want, especially what is dark within me. But I open my mouth. The words I thought I may not be able to say come out easily. "I want to feel alive. To fuck with wild abandon. To get so high I can barely see the stratosphere. I want to kill. Die. Destroy. Resurrect. I want to come to that place where love, death, and lust co-exist." I am out of breath. My heart is in my toes.

Zillah bites their lip. They hood their eyes and mock a Marilyn moment. "I can make you come undone. And I will. I will give this to you, all of it. I swear, little bird."

Long fingers entwine with mine and Zillah pulls me along.

I can barely see beyond the words I've just admitted to. But I walk with them as they lead. Our steps crunch the snow leaving imprints like fingertips digging into skin.

Zillah looks over their shoulder. I want to quicken my step and become their shadow. I feel that I need to be as close as possible. "Where are we going?"

I hear Zillah chuckle before they squeeze my hand. "I'm taking you to meet the dragon. And then I'm going to get you so fucked up you'll think this was nothing more than a figment of your imagination." 

Words: 1079