My Dark Beloved - onc 2023 Ambassadors Pick-Longlisted

.19

The window of the shop lies all around my feet. Someone's shouting in the distance and the alarm is screaming in my ear.

My heart is bashing against my rib cage. There's a beast in there. I became an animal a long time ago.

I want to believe they will find a dead body when I go, but that is not the case.

I look over my shoulder. I hear sirens getting closer.

Before anyone can get remotely close, I turn around and run all the way home.

Home.

Home is where the heart...

...is.

Home is where Lux is. My sanctuary. I do not deserve her. I never have. I do not know why she lingers. It's not like I am anything special. I lie. I fuck around. I kill. I come home at stupid o'clock when I should be spending that time with her.

She's too good for me. She is the sun – a brilliant light. Yet why do I always chase the shadows instead?

The letter is blood-splattered, and so are my clothes. The glorious coat should be tossed in a fire. I cannot salvage the mess I've made.

I enter the house and look at myself in the full-length mirror by the entrance. I am covered in cuts. I am covered in blood.

Mine?

Theirs?

I don't want to tell you.

I take off the coat and kick my boots away. I slip out of my blood-soaked clothes like a snake and then head to Lux's room in nothing but my underpants and socks. The letter is a crumpled disgrace in my grasp. The words are blobs. The ink has run and not resembles more red than black.

"Lux, where are you?" My voice is a trembling mess. I don't know what is worse. Knowing Zillah is gone forever or knowing they were part of my demise.

"You're back." Lux glides to me. A glass of whiskey is in her hand. "You look like you need a drink."

Silently, my mermaid touches the edge of the glass to my lips and tips it back. The amber liquid is an angry God burning my throat. I welcome it.

"Come, Elio. Sit with me by the fireplace. I always did hate the cold."

"You're a summer child –"

"Sweet and wild."

"A light in my dark."

We sit on the floor next to the roaring fire. The warmth goes down into my bones.

"Take it." She hands me the whiskey and urges me to swallow it in one go.

Her hands are in my hair. Stroking. Soothing.

"I liked it better before," she tells me with a whisper yet I stay mute. "Back before when it was black. I don't know why you dyed it silver."

"Maybe one day I will dye it back."

"Maybe one day soon?"

I want to tell her I will but I doubt I'll be doing it anytime soon.

In the flames, I can see myself. I am burning with understanding. "It's been so long, Lux," I breathe into the embers.

I feel her nod. "Nearly thirty-three years."

"Why'd you go?" I want to turn to look at her but I know I cannot. Not anymore.

"I'm sorry, Elio."

"Do you know what happens when light meets dark?"

She shrugs. Her shoulders are sprinkled with sparkles and the shimmer lights up the room. "Shadows?"

Someone is squeezing my heart. "Lots of shadows, Lux."

I cup the glass. I feel her fingers slipping out of my hair. I feel her slipping away. "It'll be OK, Lio. It won't last forever."

"Maybe it'll just feel like forever, huh Lux?"

I turn to look her way. My silver hair falls over my eyes and I brush it away. My gaze flies up to her aquarium. It's always filled with clean water. And it's still waiting for her.

I set the empty whiskey glass down and then walk over to the enclosure. My hands are against the glass – palms flat. My lips touch the semi-warmth of it. "Good night, Lux."

From a distance, or from the lonely corners of my mind, I hear her gentle voice, whisper, "Good night, my dark beloved."

The house is a lonely place. A needy space. One that breathes reminders of her in every cranny and nook. 

Behind me, the little minnows swim and swim until the water has shifted from clear to red to pink to green to silver.

Quietly, I turn around and head up to my room. I close the door, crawl into bed, and try to fall asleep with the memories of my mermaid haunting me to the point of madness.  

words: 748

Final word count: 20057