My Dark Beloved - onc 2023 Ambassadors Pick-Longlisted

.15

Have I gone completely mad?

Yes, you say. I can hear you thinking it.

Maybe I have but I shall take you all with me.

My mind lays in shambles.

I am in my bed. My room is breathing. In. Out. In. Out. My chest refuses to copy. I let my lungs go dry.

I slept with the letter in my arms and now it's as crumpled as crumpled can be. There's a wet patch on it but I dare not bother ponder whether it's tears or something else.

When I get up, the letter follows me. It slips into the back pocket of my jeans as I dress. I have a new shirt on today. It's not black but white. If I'm to bleed someone else dry tonight I may as well show the whole world my shame.

When I say goodbye to Lux she's sitting in the armchair, skinny legs tucked under an oversized sweater. There's a pint of ice cream on her lap. She uses the spoon to wave at me and it takes me a long second to pull my gaze away from the silver.

"I'll be back around midnight," I lie.

"No, you won't." She smacks her lips. Her mouth is sticky with artificial strawberries and cream.

"No, I won't," I repeat then shrug into my jacket.

"Why don't you wear that pretty coat tonight?"

When I raise a brow she adds, "The one I told you would look brilliant on me. The one with the stri –"

I cut her off, "I don't have a coat like that."

Lux gives me a look so I repeat, "I don't."

The spoon digs into the ice cream. She sighs. "Alright then. Bring back some wine. Or better yet whiskey. I'm going to need it for this insane ride you keep putting me on."

"I don't know what you're talking about," my tone is stern. I want her to stop.
"Lio –"

"Don't call me that."

"What should I call you? That's your name."

Zillah.

"I've got to go."

"Elio..."

I storm to her and scream in her face, "Stop it."

"I'm not going to fucking call you anything else!" she screams back and whacks me with the spoon.

I leave the house with a painful bump on my temple. My mind chastises me and reminds me that I am an asshole and nothing more.

I do not head to the Stardust Bar. I know Zillah would not be there and I'd be left alone and uncomfortable with Jer and the sultry gaze of his ink-and-paper woman. I wander straight to an alley by the Limelight yet far enough away from the opium den so that no one sees me. Under the veil of night, I am nothing but a shadow in search of a body. Nothing more than a cage in search of a bird.

The scent of rotting food, roses, and liquor guide me to a secret area canopied with golden tarps. It is like a tent. A refuge. I enter through an opening and see moans protruding from the floor. I hear the sound of silver as it wafts to me and pulls me by the hand over to where the zombie-whore is kneeling before Zillah. Her head is buried under my dark beloved's navel. The suckling sounds are a melody I dare not disturb. The bone-woman's hair fans around her as if she is submerged in water. Her hands are gripping Zillah's hips. The ivory and copper stripped coat hangs seductively off their shoulders.

Zillah! My brain cries as I rush over.

They extend their hand and bring me close.

A crown made of thistles rests on Zillah's head. They are king and queen at the same time – in the same breath.