My Dark Beloved - onc 2023 Ambassadors Pick-Longlisted

.18

The letter is in my hand.

The shovel is against the wall.

Herman's body lies underground. He rests with all the others I have planted in my garden of bones. I make a wicked gardener, do I not?

There's blood on my lips yet I am not sure whose it is.

Mine?

His?

Yours?

I lick it off. It's watery and tastes like salt. That's when I realize I am crying.

Wiping my eyes with the back of my sleeve I watch the colours shift in the sky. They dance and twirl like insane ballerinas. The heavens are no longer red. They are no longer pink. They are no longer green. They are thickly inlaid with a patine of pure silver. I know. I know. I got it wrong. My Bogart is better than my Shakespeare. Did you know I do a mean Oscar Wilde? But I will save all that charm and wit for another day.

I dust myself off and then head upstairs for a quick change. All my black clothes have gone. They are replaced by white attire and a glorious golden gown. I look in the mirror. I am darkness turning light.

Right?

Right?

Why are you not replying? Alright. Do as you wish. You're just here for my pain, are you not? Fine, not like I want to chat with you anyway. I do have better things to do, you know.

Sliding the letter into my pocket, I head out into the night.

Three AM knows all my secrets. The mournful night whispers to me and traces a ladder to the sky with faintly furling frost.

In my long, pretty coat with the copper and ivory stripes, I make my way deeper and deeper into the further.

The snow has returned. It covers my hair until the strands are no longer black. I touch my wrists and feel the lace cuffs tickle. I make such a pretty boy. I'd make such a pretty girl. I could be anything I wanted to be yet I am stuck inside a cage of me.

I pass by the Stardust but Jeremiah is long gone. The lights are out – all but a single one he always leaves shining over his favourite picture of Hedy – the one where she is giving the world an oh-so-faint knowing smile that drips confidence and sass. She knows she is not only gorgeous, but she is also insanely smart.

I dig into my pocket and pull the letter I wrote to Zillah out. I want them to have it. I need them to read it. I will hunt high and low until I have found them and told them just how much I want them to stay.

Stay. Please stay. My mind wails. Don't leave me like the others. You are special. You are the one I need to keep me from falling apart. I am losing myself, my mind, my sanity. You are the piece that will complete me and bring me back to my senses. Zillah...my sacred shadow...my dark, dark, dark...

The shops pass me by. Clothing. Cutlery. Modern appliances and cozy furniture to make any house a home. Most of the stores lack light except for a splatter of rays coming from the streetlamps above that tease the windows. I trail my finger over the panes. They are smooth. I think of Zillah's hair.

"Where are you going?" a phantom voice giggles. "Where have you been?"

"Beloved!" I spin and try to find them. I cannot see them anywhere but then...

... in a shop window, I see Zillah's silver hair and sly smile.

"I have a letter for you!" I yell into the empty streets and run towards the store. Zillah, my Zillah is inside. I bang on the pane and tell them to come outside.

"I cannot. I will not." They are teasing.

"Why are you so far away from me?" My voice is a madness of its own. I rip open the envelope and smoosh the letter to the glass. "I love you. Ζillah. Please come to me. I cannot take it. Living without you is killing me."

Zillah simply shakes their head and I am about to lose it. FUCK! "Read the letter! I wrote it for you!"

They waggle their finger. "No, no, no."

"Just fucking read it!" I bang on the glass. Harder. Harder until it begins to crack. "I need you." Cracks create spider legs that stretch out until they have touched all four sides.

Tiny blue spiders escape the cracks as I pound harder and eventually shatter the glass. The spiders are on me but I do not care. In the reflection of the window, minnows swarm at my head. I pay them no mind either.

"If I cannot have you then no one c–" I am beyond desperate. I am beyond reason.

I reach for Zillah and grab them by the neck. They do not struggle as I squeeze. Why are they not fighting me? They do not beg me to stop as I continue to choke them. Why are they not pleading for mercy? The glass cuts my arms and I am bleeding everywhere. But I do not stop. I do not stop. I do not stop until I have choked, choked, choked the life out of them.

In the mirror, the minnows continue to swim. Round and round they go until the water has become blood.

Crimson swirls. Ripples become fingers that cause little waves and in those waves, I watch myself dive deep. Further...further...further from reality until I am gone.

words: 905