My Dark Beloved - onc 2023 Ambassadors Pick-Longlisted

.11

If I am mad then why am I not having better hallucinations?

Do you know what I'd be hallucinating right now? (Even if you said no, I'm still going to spill.)

I'd be hallucinating that I'm laying in a feather-filled bed (huge, huge, bed). I'd be on silk sheets (cliché black, naturally. I'm a dhampir, what did you expect I'd say, pink? Frills? Frou-frou?). There would be three bottles of Merlot within arm's reach (something gloriously delicious from Tuscany) and Zillah wedged between my knees (need I give you details on this?).

But all I see before me is the inside of my and Lux's house or as I'd like to affectionately call it now, the domicile of the damned.

I've been standing in the entrance for what feels like forever but the snow on my hair reminds me I've just walked in.

"Lio?" my mermaid is walking to me. Her legs are bare and her wet hair falls over the crimson kimono she's wearing. Across her hips and thighs, the satin is decorated with an ominous golden dragon glaring at me.

"Take that off," I say pitifully and reach for the belt.

She takes a step back and grabs my hands – hard. I fall to my knees as I make a pathetic sound like a mouse being ground between a pestle and mortar. "You don't have to break my fingers."

She lets go, forgetting that her strength is superior to mine. "I'm sorry. Sometimes I don't remember –"

"Just how strong you are?" I get up and rub my aching digits. She's squeezed me hard on more than one occasion in the past and not in places that quickly heal. "I don't."

Lux tries to hide a memory coming out in a shy yet sly smile. "Oops."

Despite the fact that I feel confused and like someone shot a hole in my soul, I give her a brief smile. "I guess I shouldn't act like a wuss when I've filled you with bite marks from all the feeding I do."

At those words, she touches her neck. Fingertips brush against pale skin for less than a second. "What's eating you?" Her hands are down. She tightens her belt and then pushes her wet hair over her shoulders. Patches of damp have caused dark burgundy spots on the kimono.

I shrug. I know I should tell her because fuck, I've told her everything I've ever done in my sorta-life (and so has she and let me tell you, Lux has a few things you'd not believe she's done. No, I'm not going to tell you.). So I spill my guts...kinda. "Zombie."

Her face scrunches. "Huh?"

"Zombie," I repeat.

"Zombies are eating you?"

I slip out of my boots and jacket. Both are left on the floor by the front door. "I killed someone, Lux."

She leans against the wall and crosses her arms over her chest. "No, shit?" her tone is slightly condescending.

I look at her sheepishly. Guiltily.

"You mean to tell me in the ten trillion years we've known each other you've never killed anyone mister half-vampire?"

She's teasing and it's making me feel worse.

Lux wriggles to the left, finds the armchair and moves to sit. She's made of liquid. Fluid. "Elio, I no longer keep count but I know you need to feed from more than just me so I say nothing." She rests her head against the armchair. "Death eventually comes for all."

I shrug again. I don't know why I feel weird. She's right. I've done this before. Maybe I'm trying to make myself feel bad over killing a hooker so that I can forget the fact that Zillah ditched me and it's making me sad like I've misplaced my heart.

"Lux I..." there's a pause. The walls are breathing and I hear something diving into her aquarium with a long, loud THUMPFFFFFF. "I think I killed someone a while back. And..well. It was someone who I saw today as a zombie." I look at her. She's got her head lowered but her eyes are raised to me. "I'm seeing things."

She's biting her lips. Gnawing like she's going to chew it off. Then, she speaks. "Like you did in my room when you thought you saw..." she takes a breath but it's more of a moment to help her find the words, "something?"

"A monster," I whisper.

She nods. "Yah. And there was nothing there but us."

"Us monsters," I utter and walk to the window.

"We are not monsters, Elio. We are survivors."

She's behind me in a second. Her arms wrap around my waist. The damp patches sponge into my shirt.

Zillah is somewhere out there. I have to find them. I need... "I want to go back outside."

"Stay where it's warm," she says as I pry her arms away from me. "You can sleep in my room tonight."

I head back to the door, open it and stand on the stoop in my socks.

"You can sleep in my bed." Lux walks after me but stops before the cold can touch her. "With me," she adds.

I turn to face her. "Come here?"

I know she wants me with her right now, but she would rather lose me than walk outside, even if it's only to the stoop. "Too cold."

She backs away. Lux extends her hand and calls me over. "Come to the warmth." When I hesitate she tugs the robe apart.

I head back into the house and shut the door (wouldn't you?). Beside me, I hear skittering. A million match-thin legs. The spiders chortle.

The kimono is on the ground. The dragon has been buried under a cloak of red. I step on the material as I walk to her. I hear the dragon's skull crunch and bones break.

Lux grabs me by the waistband of my jeans. She's gentle but firm. Against her body there is a fire. It's almost like Zillah's lighter dancing under the opium.

When I dive my fangs into my mermaid's neck, she sighs and twines her fingers through my hair. Black and silver fragments of light scatter like confetti as she touches me.

There is a pool of minnows swimming around us. I do not see them but I know they are there. I shut my eyes tight and fill myself with blood.  

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