If You'd Let Me

Chapter 4

"I made a friend today," I answered Car. She had asked what I'd done today that made me smile. It was really an ordinary day, except for the fact that I made a friend, which was quite nice.

"Oh he made a friend," Rad teased.

I rolled my eyes and Car chuckled.

"Are they nice more importantly."

"They are actually. I don't know them very well yet, but so far they're nice."

Rad threw his head back and looked at the ceiling in astonishment. "Never thought I would see this day. What am I glad I'm alive today to witness Rowan, yes Rowan of all people," he exclaimed, "making a friend of his own free will."

I scowled, "I'm not that bad. I can make friends."

Car chuckled. I glared at her.

"You are though," she butted in.

I pouted and the two of them laughed their asses off.

I was not that bad with people. I couldn't be that bad. I mean look at me. I was friends with Car and Rad and well the team — okay I was really bad at making friends apparently.

Well not with making them anyways. It was just that my lifestyle didn't really allow for friendship. That's what I convinced myself. But really trying to stay under the radar meant isolating myself from people and thus friendship.

I wasn't completely isolated ever since I joined Haima. Still, it was hard for me to trust people enough to let them see every part of me. To make it worse, I consisted of many pieces. Many of which not everyone would be able to stomach. I was complicated. Oh how cliché to say that about yourself. But some parts of my past made it hard to keep a friendship.

"Ah c'mon, I'm proud of you. We both are," he grinned. "I'm like a proud mom watching her son grow up. You've become such a big boy," he pretended to wipe away a tear.

I jumped at him and he squeaked, running away.

I chased him around the entire floor and ended up tackling him to the ground. "Wanna say that again, fucktard."

He widened his eyes, smiling sweetly. The fucker was playing innocent in the hope of getting away with it. "Car! Save me from your crazy partner. He's gonna kill me," Rad stage-whispered in mock fear.

I rolled my eyes and got up. "Oh really, you're gonna pull that card, drama queen. Get up." I held out a hand to haul him off the ground. He was acting like he wasn't a competent high-level killer.

Someone chuckled, making me look up. It was Hong, one of our hackers. "What are you guys doing?" he chuckled, amusement shining in his eyes.

Rad had finally gotten up and dusted the imaginary dust off his pants. He looked up and grinned at me.

I groaned, he was definitely gonna make a scene again. Like he had done so many times before.

"Rowan here," he elbowed me jokingly, "made a friend today."

Hong's eyebrows raised in surprise, "Really?"

"Yeah, can you believe this," Radnor linked his arm with Hong's  and the two of them walked to the team's common room, gossiping. "I totally think we should celebrate. I mean this is a huge event. What do yo—"

I wasn't able to hear him anymore, because he was too far away. I don't think I wanted to, even if I could.

Car softly chuckled at their behaviour.

I grumbled under my breath and walked away.

"Ah c'mon, Rowan. You know they mean well."

I turned around to face her, scowling. It softened slightly at the sight of her. I sighed deeply and moved a hand through my hair. "I know, Car. I know. I know that I'm like that. Everyone knows I'm not good at making and keeping friends, but you know about my past. I'm not good with people. Let alone opening up. I'm just not used to it and couldn't afford to make friends for such a long time." I pursed my lips. "I'm a complicated person, Car." Gosh I sounded like those people. "Complicated and friendship don't always go hand in hand."

Her face softened in understanding. "I know," she mumbled.

"I'm just gonna head outside for a bit." The air was starting to feel constricting. I needed to go outside. I couldn't breathe. I needed to breathe. "I might not return tonight," I forced a smile.

She nodded and strode away.

I made my way upstairs. I opened the door to the rooftop and let it fall closed behind me. It locked. Not that it mattered. I wouldn't go back inside.

I watched the city. The lights were beautiful at the night. I inhaled deeply. I could finally breathe. I was in my element — on a rooftop, hidden in the shadows of the night. I breathed in and relaxed.

I loved watching the lights shining from buildings with people still working or where families were still up or friends were laughing and joking around. I loved the quiet atmosphere of the night, which was interrupted by the sounds of cars on their way home and drunk people causing a scene.

The air felt cleaner at night, my thoughts clearer and life more beautiful. I was more at peace at night.

I got up and stretched my legs. Walking away from the edge, I took a running start and jumped. I jumped and climbed from building to building through the night.

I paused on my way and stood there watching a building across the street. All the lights were off. It was dark and quiet, unlike its bustling self all throughout the day.

Except one window. The window on the top floor was still brightly lid. It always was. Every single night. He was there every night. I knew because I always passed by on my way through the city. By now it had become a habit to stop by and watch for a few seconds. Then like always, I was on my way, disappearing back into the night.

I dwelled through the city, restless, searching for meaning. Searching for belonging. Searching for a place to call home. It was what I always did. It the sole thing I did. Every night. I didn't belong. I didn't know my meaning. I didn't have a home.

Technically I had an apartment, but it was lonely at times. Sometimes I wished for my life to be different, but I didn't know how.

I was just there. I existed and for now that was enough. Some days it was more than enough to just exist; be there. It was better than not existing at all, though some days that was hard to remember. But I couldn't help but wish for more.

I wanted to feel alive one day. Sometimes I felt a hint of that feeling. Mostly when I jumped from rooftop to rooftop. And just that single taste was addicting. I wanted more. I wanted to feel it again.

I was like an addict searching for its next fix — I was the addict searching for its next fix. I wanted to feel alive. I wanted to feel.

I wanted to feel happiness. I wanted to feel friendship. I wanted to feel love. I wanted it all. All of it. But most of all, I just wanted to feel. Feel, feel, feel.

I was searching desperately. I was searching but I couldn't find. I didn't know how, I didn't know how. I was just so lost. Drowning in indifference and I couldn't seem to breathe. I was screaming, hoping anyone would hear, but no one did. The few that did, didn't seem to be able to get me out of the mind-numbing water.

All they could do was watch me drown in pity, watching from the shore as my head went under water. By now my lungs are used to the burning feeling of the lack of air.

I wondered when the end would be there. I had been in the water for so long. I barely remembered a time before the water. All I knew was the water trying to drag me under. It has been so long and I wondered for how much longer I could endure it. Wondered if the end was near. Wondered for how long I'd be before I lost the hope of getting out of the water. How long it would be before I succumbed and let the water invade my lungs. How long before the air ran out and my heart beat its last beat. How long it would be before I faded into darkness and my body decomposed.

And not for the first time, I doubted that I could endure the suffering for much longer. I didn't think I could keep the water from invading my lungs.

I laid on a rooftop, staring at the sky that seemed to have every answer I needed and was too stupid to decipher. I laid there for a long time, staring and just breathing. For now at least.

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