If You'd Let Me

Chapter 10

I sighed deeply, not ready to deal with his bullshit.

Time had passed quickly these last couple of weeks. By now I was used to Zed's frequent visits. In the beginning he would pester me until I answered one of his questions or until I snapped and stormed off. But by now we had a silent agreement.

Each time we crossed paths he could ask me one question and if I was in a good, generous mood I would answer it. I answered most of the time, but there were days all I did was sneer at him.

He came up behind me, putting a hand on either side of me on the railing, caging me in. His chest pressed into my back. "Hello Zivon," he murmured into my neck.

I grumbled a 'hey' in response, but I doubted he overheard it. Even to me it sounded like an angry grumble. I didn't bother to repeat it.

"How's life going?"

"Fine." I continued looking out over the city. The silence returned. I liked the silence.

Zedekiah just never seemed to shut up, always asking his prodding questions. I liked silence especially regarding Zed. It was a nice break from all the questions — the curiosity. But of course he had to break it for one of his many questions.

"Hey Ziv?"

"Yeah." It took all of my patience to not storm out of here right this minute. Today was one of those days. One of the days I snapped. I tensed.

"How did you become a Haima?" He must have felt me tense and realised I was close to snapping, because he spoke gently.

I kept quiet. I couldn't today. Just not today.

He hummed, resting his cheek on my back. "Mmh, it's one of those days, huh?"

I grunted in lieu of a reply.

I felt him smile against my back. He wound his arms around my waist. His arms a comforting presence on my stomach.

We had grown closer the last few weeks. He was still annoying as fuck with all his questions, but he was an okay guy. I relaxed in his hold.

The balcony door opened. No doubt Eliza with our drinks.

I felt Zed shift a little, probably taking the drinks from Eliza, then he handed me a drink. I hummed, thanking him.

There were days were I was nearly drowning in my own mind. I could barely speak. Sometimes all I could do was scream or sob. Sometimes there was nothing at all. Just emptiness. A shell barely responsive to anything at all.

I felt myself being pulled under. It would not be long before my lungs would constrict and started to burn. By now I was used to the feeling of drowning. The feeling of my lungs burning, desperate for air.

I took a sip of my drink, drowning in my sorrows.

Eliza and Zed both knew I wasn't okay. They could easily spot it and by now they knew the signs. Eliza had spotted it within a few minutes this evening. No doubt the reason why she called Zed here. He always seemed to know what to do so I could breathe at least a little bit easier. Ever since they discovered that, Eliza called him every time.

I didn't know how or why, but something about Zed was comforting. However annoying he could be, there was just something that clicked between us. He simply understood.

He understood he couldn't keep me safe from the water or even keep me from drowning. But every time I was in the water, he was there by my side letting me know I was not alone. He offered me silent support, letting me know that at least I wasn't alone when I was drowning.

He was there when I attempted to pull every piece of myself together again and he was there to watch me fail in doing so. He was there to watch me try over and over again until I succeeded. He was there after I pulled myself together and tried to continue with life, even though we could both clearly see the cracks. The bigger gaps from pieces I had never found back again and smaller cracks and fragile webbing all across. My entire being existed of thousands of pieces.

Every time I broke and pulled myself together again, we could both clearly see it wouldn't be long before I broke apart in even smaller pieces again. But he was there to watch me attempt to pull myself together nonetheless. He was there to watch me choke and he was there to watch me breathe. He was the silent support that let me know I was seen and I wasn't suffering alone.

I downed another gulp.

It was a comfort to be held by him. Eliza went back inside.

The night fell and the dark hid my misery, though it was still there. When it got too cold to remain outside, he guided me inside with a gentle 'come', holding my hand, gently pulling me inside. He led me to the spare bedroom with a queen-sized bed. We stripped to our boxers and he pulled me along to bed, spooning me.

It made it a little better. I felt so numb and couldn't get myself to respond to anything, but he was warm and lively. He reminded me what it was like to be alive.

It was a painful reminder, but nice all the same, because I tended to forget what being alive felt like. Zed was the answer to that. He was so alive. His heart beating passionately.

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