If You'd Let Me

Chapter 14

"Really?" I laughed. Eliza was telling me the worst joke she had heard someone ever make. It was such a bad joke that we both burst out laughing.

"And then there was this time I went on a date with this guy," she chuckled. "He deadass said after 20 minutes of silence: 'I don't like salad nor eye contact'. Like what the fuck!"

I chuckled. "That must have been the worst date ever," I grinned at her.

"That's the worst part about it. It wasn't even the worst date ever."

We both burst out laughing again.

The front door opened and Zed walked in. He froze in the door frame, staring at us. At me. We both sobered up.

"Hey, sup?" Eliza greeted him.

I evaded his gaze, though I knew he was trying to catch it.

"Uhm, just wanted to to drop by, but I see you have company. So I'll take my leave." He turned around to leave.

"Zed, you're acting weird. Having company over has never stopped you from barging in here. Certainly not Ziv."

He shrugged and looked down, avoiding her gaze.

"Ziv, you know something I don't?" She asked me. She was smart like that. She instantly knew something must have happened between us, because Zed was not as subtle as he thought he was.

"Nothing," I lied through my teeth. "Everything's great."

"Alright," she smiled, though I didn't think she believed me.

I didn't dare look at Zed. He would spot the lie when he saw one. This time he didn't even have to look me in the eyes to know this one was a lie. He knew. If the phone call hadn't given it away, my reaction now would.

From my peripheral  vision I could see the scowl gracing his face. I looked away. I couldn't stomach the scowl.

I didn't like it when people could look through me — through my lies. It was dangerous for someone whose entire life was a lie. So, when people could look through these lies, they were a threat. People like Zed were a threat, because knowing someone required honesty and I couldn't give them that. All I had to offer was lies, lies, lies and he was starting to see through them — through all the lies.

The person left behind the lies, I didn't think he'd be able to stomach it. The person behind the lies was falling apart, drowning in blood. Blood of friends and foes alike.

Zed was getting closer and closer to the truth as each day passed by. I should cut him off — cut him out of my life — but I couldn't. Maybe I even wouldn't. Maybe I didn't even want to.

I felt happier than I had felt in a long time. I could breathe a little easier than I had in a long time. I couldn't lose that. I didn't want to lose that, but I was scared that he would get too close. That he'd be horrified by the real me.

I didn't think I could survive that. I wanted to run from him and pull him in at the same time. It was confusing, so I looked away from him.

"Are you staying for dinner, Zed?" Eliza asked.

"Yea— I don't know," he changed his mind. He wanted to keep his distance from me. I was grateful for his thoughtfulness, because I was still mad at him, despite the phone call.

He respected me enough to be conscious of how things affected me, but he could join us tonight. That was fine.

"Ah, c'mon, Zed. We might eat salad tonight. Don't you want some delicious salad?" I grinned at him, finally meeting his eyes.

Eliza giggled at the inside joke, but Zed eyed me warily, not trusting my sudden enthusiasm. There was no trap, but I couldn't fault him for being suspicious.

"We are not eating salad, but you're welcome to join us for dinner, Zed."

Zed threw me a glance, silently asking for my okay.

I nodded barely perceptible, but he caught it because he was Zedekiah Rosenheim. I beamed a blinding smile, "Aawh, why not Eliza! I know you just love salad."

"Shut up, asshole."

I grinned smugly, "You love me."

She sighed defeated, "Yeah, you're great."

"I know," I replied smugly.

She rolled her eyes and went to make Zed coffee.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Zed walked up behind me. I stayed still, waiting for his next moved. He bowed down till I felt his breath against my neck, goosebumps rose on my skin.

"How are you really, Zee?" he murmured softly.

"I'm great."

"Even without looking you in the eyes, I know it's a lie. Try again. This time I'd like the truth." His hands landed on a shoulder each. I tensed at first, but then relaxed. Zed might be a threat, but he wouldn't hurt me.

"I'm doing grea—"

"Zivon," he warned, his voice dropping dangerously low.

I shivered at his voice. "I'm — I'm still alive."

"And?"

Of course he knew there was more to it. He always seemed to know. Fucktard.

"It feels like I'm drowning sometimes," my breath hitched.

He hummed, his hands leaving my body. Like everyone else left me. I was unwanted everybody le—

Zed pulled me into his body, hugging me. He had come around the couch and sat down next to me, hugging me. He guided my head to rest on his chest and I let him. I hugged him back.

Zed was comfort, something I desperately needed. He let me lean on him as sobs raked through my body and my breath hitched as tears streamed down my cheeks. He was just there, letting me lean on him.

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