If You'd Let Me

Chapter 19

The next day I went over to Eliza's for the first time in days. I would have the next few days off work  to heal up. I planned on spending some time with the Rosenheims and catching up on some freelance work.

"I missed you," Eliza hugged me. "It's good to see you."

I grimaced, not because I hadn't missed her — I had — but because she was hugging me quite tightly and my ribs were still sore hadn't healed yet. She didn't know that though.

She released me and smiled at me.

I beamed and ruffled her hair.

"Zed will be happy to hear you're still breathing," she chuckled.

I quirked a brow, amused. "Really?"

She shrugged, "He's always worried when you drop off the gird. Something to do with your job or something."

I hummed in lieu of a response. I went inside the kitchen to make us both some coffee. Eliza joined me a minute later, putting her phone back in her pocket.

"Zed said he'll be here in 10."

I nodded and watched the coffee brew.

"How has work been? Do they finally understand that some planes aren't meant to fly?" I asked her.

She chuckled, shrugging, "They're starting to understand, though they're adamant it should work. They aren't even engineers!"

I laughed with her.

The front door opened and Eliza went out to greet him. I could see them mumbling to each other, but it was too soft to overhear.

I returned my gaze to the coffee, making a cup for Zed too.

One of the siblings walked up to me, I didn't bother to look up and grabbed the sugar for Eliza — she liked her coffee sweet.

"Hey," Zed murmured in my ear, his lips grazing my earlobe, his hands placed on either side of me, caging me against the kitchen counter, his chest pressed up against my back.

"Hi," I mumbled back softly. "How've you been?"

"I'm alright. Been worried about you, though."

"How so?"

"I know your line of work better than anyone. Going off the grid could mean a lot of things. None of them positive. I was worried."

"Why?"

He leaned his chin on my shoulder, sighing, "Because I care about you."

My heart fluttered. It was such a simple thing. He cared about me. The people that had cared about me had been few and far in between. I often didn't let the close enough to care about me, but he did. My eyes watered, blinking the tears brimming in my eyes away.

"It felt like 10 years passed while you were away, but you weren't even away for 10 days," he sighed against my shoulder.

I could feel every breath he took and every breath he exhaled. I shuddered and I didn't doubt he could feel it too. His arms circled around my waist.

It felt like comfort. It felt like home. Or at least what I imagined what home felt like.

"It's okay to feel, you know."

"I know."

"Yet," he murmured back, tightening his arms around me, "I've seen you bury them time and time again."

His words were so true, it hurt. But his arms kept me grounded — safe.

The water started invading my lungs again. I couldn't close my mouth — I couldn't keep the water out of my lungs. I needed to keep the water out of my lungs. I was sinking to the bottom of the sea — of the ocean. This time I don't think I would get to the surface again. I was sinking too fast.

I was trying to swim up to the surface, but the more I tried, the faster I sunk. The surface got farther and farther away. The darkness enveloped me. It was harder to breathe, my lungs starting to burn. My chest constricting from lack of air as I tried to scream. I tried to get to the surface. I tried to breathe, but the only thing that it did, was let more air in.

I was choking on water. I was choking and choking and choking and choking, spluttering for air. I was drowning and this time there would be no way back to the surface. This was the end.

I could see Zed turn me around in his arms. I could see Zed watch me, but I wasn't really there. I was drowning.

I could see that Zed realised what was happening. He said something to me, but it sounded far away. Like I was underwater. Like we were both underwater. Like he was underwater with me. I didn't want him to drown. He had so much to live for. He had a sister and parents and friends that cared about him. He shouldn't be drowning with me.

I could see Zed say something to me again. It sounded a lot like 'Zee, talk to me. What's wrong?'

'I'm drowning' I wanted to say, but I couldn't get the words out.

"Let me be there for you," he whispered, "if only for 10 minutes." He caressed my cheek. "Stay in my embrace if only for 10 seconds." He looked me in the eyes, watching me, searching for my soul through their windows.

It was already too late. My soul was drowning. There was no saving it at all. I was too far gone for that. I stopped fighting the water and let it in. I drifted deeper in the ocean. It was peaceful down here. So quiet, oh so quiet.

"Zee, let me show you the beauty of life. Let me help with whatever problems you have. They won't be too much. We can deal with them — we can deal with them together. If you'd let me."

He knew and he could see my soul dying — drowning. He could see I had not long to live. He had seen my soul breaking and in shambles all along. He knew I was the Haima he saw last night. He knew even though I hadn't said a word to him. He was here with me. He wanted to stand by my side as I fought my battle.

I stopped letting the water enter my lungs. They were still filled with water though. They were burning and I felt weak, like I could pass out. It was all too much. I wanted to fight — I needed to fight. I fought like hell to move to the surface. Dark spot appeared in my vision. Death was close and I had welcomed it, but now I wanted it to go away. I wasn't ready yet. Not for several decades.

I fought like hell to move closer to the surface and closer and closer and close— he wasn't afraid of what he saw. He wasn't afraid and he would stand by my side. If only I'd let him. If only for 10 seconds or 10 minutes or 10 days or 10 weeks — if only I'd let him. And I would. I would let him, because he was like home.

I reached the surface and grabbed his outstretched hand. He pulled me from the water and I could finally breathe.

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The next 10 days he showed me the beauty of life. He showed me friendship. He showed me family, laughter, comfort and a home. He showed me how to breathe. He was there with me. He's with me every breath I take. He was also there as I breathed in water. He was there to remind me to breathe, and to be a silent supporter when I needed one. He was there to be my friend when I needed one, and to be a distraction when I needed one. He was there to be my home when I had searched for it so long. He was there to be more than friends when I so desperately longed for a lover. He showed me the way to shore and he was there to guide me back when I got lost or when the water threatened to drown me again.

He was there by my side, because I let him. Decades passed and I had found my home and friends, family, comfort and love. He'd showed me how to be loved.

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