If You'd Let Me

Chapter 5

The sun rose in the sky, dawn approaching like she did every day. I wasn't ready to be so vulnerable again. Everything so out in the open and exposed. It felt dangerous and violent.

But as dawn crept closer, the sky became lighter, giving that false sense of security. It was all a lie. There was no security and everything was out in the open.

For the first time in hours, I finally moved a muscle. I made my way to my apartment and got back inside, retiring for the night. Well technically for the morning.

I woke up late, later than usual. I was a mess. Maybe today was the day the water finally invaded my lungs. It felt like it.

I just wanted to feel alive. I screamed until I lost my voice. My neighbours wouldn't hear it. My apartment was entirely soundproof.

I sobbed, cried, mourned.

What was I even mourning? I was not okay. Would I ever be okay again? Only time would tell, but I was not sure if I would be there to let time tell me.

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The day blurred into night and night blurred into day.

Car had called last night, but I had let the phone ring. She had called again. And again. And again.

Eventually I pulled together enough energy to send her a message saying I'd be taking a few personal days. I didn't wait for her response. It didn't matter anyway.

My phone went off again, a message this time. Undoubtedly from her. Luckily there was no way for her to find me. I didn't want her to find me in a state like this.

I was lucky that she wouldn't be able to find me. She didn't even know the name I went by. The only people in the organisation that did were the highest level. Sienna or Hong, the hackers of our team, could probably find out if they tried really hard. Not that any of it mattered.

What did actually matter? How was I supposed to know. Nobody ever told me, so how was I supposed to know.

I had no idea when the glue had started to let go and the pieces had shattered. I had no idea how to glue them back together. The pieces had been cracking and shattering for a long time. It got worse and worse. It wouldn't stop. There was no end to it. Why didn't it stop! It had to stop at some point right? Why couldn't it just fucking stop!

All I wanted was for someone to tell me how to glue the pieces together. I didn't know how to do it and I didn't know what the puzzle was supposed to look like. I never had, or I'd forgotten a long time ago. I didn't know what life was supposed to look like. Nobody ever told me. Nobody ever taught me. How was I supposed to know how this was supposed to work.

All I knew was that it didn't. It didn't work. I didn't have glue and I didn't even know what pieces to glue together. I didn't even know where those pieces were. Maybe they had already drowned in the water.

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Two days later I walked in the common room, greeted by the sight of my bustling team. They were all here, even Holly and Flanna were back from their mission. I closed the door behind me and they all looked up, staring.

I knew I looked bad. It was the first night I had accomplished to drag my ass out of my apartment. It had been a feat in itself.

"Holy fuck. What happened to you?" Rad exclaimed. Of course it was Rad, who else would be this untactful. I simply ignored him and continued on my way.

"You look like a hot mess, Row," Flanna spoke up gently.

I paused, meeting her gaze. "You don't think I know that?" I quirked a brow and forced a smile.

Her eyes softened, she stood up and walked with me to one of the bedrooms here, so we could talk in private. She closed the door behind her and I sprawled out on the bed.

She took a seat on the chair in the corner.

I looked at her, really looked at her. Red curls cascaded down her shoulders. There weren't any bags under her eyes and she looked happy — concerned about my health, but happy. She looked good, healthy.

It made me smile. Not one of the forced ones, but a real smile. It was small, but it was there. It was the first time I smiled genuinely in days.

"How are you really, Row?"

I sighed deeply, sitting up and dragging a hand down my face. "Not doin' so well. Been a mess for the last two days — or was it three?" I couldn't remember how long it had been. Days and nights had started to blur. All there had been was screaming, crying and drowning.

She smiled sadly at me. Not in pity. She just felt — she was just considerate like that. "Wanna talk about it?"

I sighed, standing up and staring out the window, watching the night life in the city. "My life's just fucked up. It feels like — Sometimes it's all too much."

Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning, I wanted to say. I didn't. I wouldn't dare.

She walked up besides me and leaned her head on my shoulder as we watched the night. "I know," she whispered. "Some days it feels like you can barely breathe, right?"

"Like you're drowning," I mumbled.

She hummed, "On those days, it helps me to just take it one day at the time. One hour at the time. One minute at the time. It'll get better. It might take some time, but it will get better. You won't feel this way forever. But on these days it feels like you'll never be happy again, like the pain will never end."

I didn't deign her with a response. We just silently looked outside, because she knew that's what I needed. I just needed her to be there to get me through this.

"Have you slept at all these days?" she asked after a while looking up at me.

"Not much." I was exhausted, but I could barely get myself to sleep.

"C'mon," she slipped her hand into mine and led me to the bed. She got in bed with me, hugging me. Just hearing her breathe gave me something else to focus on. Something else than my depressing thoughts. Soon enough I fell into a deep sleep.

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