Not Meant to Be

Identity Crisis

Part of me was happy that Zyan came to my rescue. I may or may have not added on to the water works a little bit.

But, I know how stubborn he is and that nothing was going to change. I know I said I was okay with us just being friends but come on.

It's hard for me to not have feelings like this especially when our first interaction I was attracted to him. I've had male friends that were cute but their personality or habits made me lose interest.

Zyan is different.

I know this has to be God because how can two perfectly compatible people know each other but not be together.

And I know he feels some type of way about me but everything is just weird.

I lift my face off of his chest and wipe my face.

He looks at me and helps me sit down on the library steps.

" I'm sorry for crying like this." In a pretending to be embarrassed but actually liking the attention tone.

"It's all good." He says in a serious tone. "What happened?"

"It doesn't matter , he was just a jerk. And you don't have to say you told me so." I say Trying not to make eye contact.

He chuckles a little bit. "Yeah I wasn't" he says.

There's an awkward yet comforting silence.

I look down at my feet "Can I ask you something?" I say.

"Yeah, what's up?" He says now looking at the scenery.

"Why do I keep attracting the wrong guys?" I ask.

He looks unsure of how to answer and hesitates.

"Well- I don't think you attract the wrong guys, Your just too nice sometimes and it can make you an easy target" he says hesitant.

My heart sank.

How long has he thought this?

Is this what everyone thinks?

Sometimes the devil uses things to make you over think and spiral.

I just wish I was more spiritually equipped at the time to realize.

Before I start crying again I ask him to take me home.

"Can you take me home please?" I say trying not to entertain his answer.

He regrets saying that and I know it because gets quiet.

He agrees to take me home as always.

During the car ride I'm not upset or sad. I'm just processing everything.

Who am I?

Should I change my personality?

Something has to change because I'm tired of being seen as a certain way.

I'm always the good girl, the safe girl, the girl who always talks to people about Jesus.

Something has to change.

Zyan drops me off and I walk in side.

Location: home

"Mom I'm home!" I say greeting my mom as I walk to my room.