Unbroken Souls (Spencer Reid x Reader POV)

Chapter 8

We have 45 minutes until dinner arrives, and the clock on the bedside table reads 5:17pm. I grab two bottles of water from the minifridge and return to my seat next to Spencer, who is nervously fidgeting with his hands again.

"I'm not an addict" he blurts out as I sit. I choose to keep my silence so he can direct the conversation how he wants. "We worked a case where I was abducted and tortured, and during the torture, Hankel, the unsub would switch personalities and take pity on the torture his other personality inflicted... injecting me with Dilaudid. When we ended the case, I watched Hankel's last words leave his mouth and I took the rest of the Dilaudid he had. I don't know why, and I feel ashamed even talking about this. But I just... something changed that day" he trails off, bowing his head in shame and not making eye contact.

"Spencer... I'm so sorry for what you experienced. Nobody deserves the pain that was inflicted on you. I'm not here to judge you for how you survived such horrific events. In my eyes, I see someone who found a way to survive something terrible. I see you as a fighter, a survivor, and I also see the pain this secret inflicts on you". He raises his gaze to meet mine again, and I see his eyes welling up despite his best efforts to not cry.

"I haven't used in a long time. I stopped. The literature uses the term 'clean'. I even went to a meeting and read a bunch of books. But sometimes... it feels like using would be a lot easier than trying to resist the thoughts and cravings of the high". He takes a deep breath before continuing. "Ever since that case, it's like I feel each victim's pain now. I understand the fear they experience while being victimized, and sometimes it's just too much to feel. I like clarity and accuracy, knowledge that provides answers, but no matter how hard I try... there's no answer to why there are days I feel like throwing it all away and doing what I can to access Dilaudid. I hate that feeling... I don't want that anymore". Despite his best efforts, I hear his voice crack and he looks up at me as though he's pleading for someone to take the pain away, while a single hot tear rolls down his cheek.

"You aren't alone, Spencer. I'm here. Can I give you a hug?" I ask him, seeing his body start to weaken the way he did before collapsing at the scene. He nods, not only accepting but returning the embrace. I feel him take laboured breaths as the pain he feels inside escapes in tears silently rolling down his cheeks. As I hold him tightly and feel his breathing fluctuate, I try to not tear up myself, feeling the pain he's been holding back for so long. "Thank you for trusting me with this, Spencer. I promise this is between us. And for what it's worth, I'm really proud of the strength you had at the scene today. Confronting something so activating when you aren't prepared is incredibly hard to do, but you walked out of there. That tells me you still want to fight against the urges, even when they are all-consuming. I know what it feels like to be tempted each day, and the courage it takes to keep going. I'm really, truly, proud of you for asking and accepting support today". He breaks from the hug so he can look into my eyes, but keeps his body close to mine. Close enough I can still feel the heat radiating from him, and I wipe the tears off of his cheek.

"I want to stay clean, and I don't want to be afraid anymore" he whispers while keeping my gaze.

"Afraid of what?" I whisper back.

"My own mind".