Unbroken Souls (Spencer Reid x Reader POV)

Chapter 16

I picked up the file folder Spencer had given me this morning, and I open it. On the inside left cover is a copy of some of his notes from the case we worked together, and on the other side is a copy of some of my notes from that same case. I picked it up to examine further, confused as to why he would leave me notes we had written and talked about together. That's when my office fan blew the corner of the paper up revealing new handwriting on the back of the pages. He had made it look like work we were doing together to avoid any suspicion if anyone were to see, but on the back was his messy handwriting in blue ink.

"Char,

I've told you that I'm not great at expressing how I feel, even though I want to be. I've learned through the years that it's my own fears and hesitation that hold me back. After all, you are the most beautiful woman in the world, with a brilliant mind; and I'm a scrawny guy who makes jokes nobody laughs at, whose tie is always crooked, who slouches at a desk far too much, and my hair is never neat. Maybe I find it easier to put feelings into writing because it might hurt less if this feeling is only a feeling that I hold. I told you about my past, some pieces I left out, such as the time I was lured by a girl I had a crush on... only to hear a room of laughter as she unbuttoned my shirt; even blindfolded I knew there must have been fifty or so people there. I've always been vulnerable to being taken advantage of by bullies, and I've hated feeling that way so I shut the world out as much as I could. But you've changed that for me; you make me want to share all of myself with you in ways that intimidate me because of how new this is. You are someone I feel safe being vulnerable around, and I'm starting to really like this feeling.

I've never really had the feeling of comfort I found with you during the case and at my apartment. I've felt like more of an outcast my whole life; I think too much, I ramble far too often, and I've been fighting for this feeling of security for as long as I can remember. But with you, I felt something I've never felt before with another person... I felt at home, safe, and loved. You make me want to be the kind of man you deserve. The kind who doesn't work late, treats you right, and gives you not only what you need but the things you want. I don't want you to feel any pressure to reciprocate these feelings, but I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't tell you that the other night with you was truly one of the best nights of my life. Please don't feel any pressure to respond, but I just wanted you to know how much these last few days with you have meant to me.

Be safe, I'll see you soon - S"

I must have read those words a thousand times. My head was swirling and I felt dizzy as I re-read his note. I must have studied that note for the longest time, keeping it in the folder in case anyone were to walk by so it still looks like I am working. There are parts of the note that I can see his hesitation and anxiety about confessing these intimate things to someone – you could tell by the way his pen strokes got lighter, shakier, even uncertain, whereas the parts he must have said in his head before writing this were written with purpose and confidence. I assumed he must already be busy and a response to such a personal message shouldn't be sent via text as he's trying to find a serial killer, so I pulled my notebook from my bag along with one of my favourite pink pens. Pink is a colour that the brain perceives as gentle, soft, caring, and affectionate, so it's a pen I don't use very often. I paused for a moment, trying to find the right words to start with while letting the memory of his warm touch to my soft skin send a dull aching down my body, as though it was echoing his name.

"Spence,

It took a lot of willpower to not pick up the phone and call you right after reading your letter, and I'm still fighting the urge to call just so I can hear your voice (even if it is just your voicemail). But, I wanted to do this right so I'm writing you this and excitedly awaiting your safe return from LA.

Never in my life has someone made me feel the way you make me feel, nor has anyone ever cared enough to express their feelings the way you have. You make me feel like even my deepest insecurities are perfect in your gorgeous eyes like I'm the most special person in the world. I want to know every inch of you and your captivating mind, I want to spend all the time you'll allow me with you, and love you the way you deserve to be loved. My heart hurts thinking about the pain you've endured in life when it should have been love and laughter. If you'd have me, I would spend my days making you smile and feel nothing but happiness and love the way you deserve to be loved. I want to make things like blindfolds fun again for you and give you all the time in the world. The other night was everything I've ever imagined and yearned for, and being with you it felt like time had frozen and we were the only two people in the world. I find myself unable to close my eyes without feeling the soft touch of your skin against mine, or the way that looking into your eyes felt like coming home. You do something to me that I can't really explain... but what I wouldn't give to feel your lips against mine right now –

And I understand this whole thing being new to you; I would be lying if I said it wasn't new to me... I've never had someone show me the love or care that you do. My previous relationship was more of a chess game, and I ended up being the one to get played and sacrificed.

I want you to know that I meant what I said the other night: we can go as slowly as we want, and this can stay just between us. Although I do think Garcia has her suspicions, she's already pushed me twice about it, however, I know that's who she is. And no, I didn't tell her anything.

Until the next time we're together, - C"

I was wearing rosy pink lipstick today and decided to leave a lipstick stain at the bottom of the note. I carefully ripped the page out of my notebook and slipped it into the folder. I had photocopied the front of the page Spence had written to me on so I could keep his letter, and subsequently hide my response behind that copied case note which protected our intimacies from wandering eyes. I kept the file safely in my cabinet until the BAU team returned and carried on with my day, thinking about him the whole time.