PRISON MOVIE

You're under arrest!

     The next morning, Lincoln was awakened by a homeless man who had a very long beard.  Still very groggy and foggy headed from his hangover, Lincoln looked at him curiously and said, "Santa Claus??"

     After gathering his senses, Lincoln realized that he had slept on the streets.  He looked and saw that the homeless man was holding a sign:

     "NEED MONEY FOR BOOZE"

     "Hey, man, you don't look so good" he said to Lincoln.  "This might wake you up."  The bearded homeless man smiled with a mouthful of rotting teeth and handed Lincoln a small bag.

     "What's this?"

     Lincoln read the warning label on the package:

     Crystal Meth

     Active ingredient: Crystal methamphetamine 

     Warning: Side effects may include rotting teeth, homelessness, and extremely abnormal behavior. 

     Take with food. 

     "No thanks, I think I'm just going to stick with my morning coffee."

     A few skateboarders in their early twenties approached the homeless man.  One of them smirked, and handed him half a bottle of wine, and skated away. 

     "Merry Christmas."

     The homeless man thanked them and said "It really makes me happy to know that there are still nice people in this cruel world."  Holding the bottle in his hand, he said, "Hmmm, this bottle kinda feels warm."  After drinking a mouthful he immediately spat out in surprise and utter disgust.

     "Bastards!"

     Lincoln lit up a cigarette, while the homeless man searched a garbage can for food.

     "Oh look, a half a cheeseburger."

     After eating the half eaten, partially decomposed cheeseburger, the long bearded homeless man admitted, "It was alright, but a bit too greasy."  Lincoln sarcastically replied, "I would have expected much better from a garbage can."  He looked at Lincoln's cigarette and advised him, while still chewing the decomposed cheeseburger, "You should quit smoking, it's such a rancid, disgusting habit."

     Suddenly...

     A tough looking man grabbed Lincoln by the shoulder.  His name was Ivan Barry Stoned, or "I.B.S."

     "I hear you owe that loan shark a lot of money" he said to Lincoln.  "You better pay up!"

     The homeless man sniffed the air and frowned, "What's that smell?"

     Ivan paused and reluctantly confessed, "I have irritable bowel syndrome."

     After snapping out of his embarrassment, Ivan demanded, "Lincoln, I want my money back, the mushrooms you sold me were fake!"  The homeless man interrupted and criticized, "Sir, there is a grocery store down the street, do you really expect people to give you free handouts? Have some dignity!" 

     Now ignoring the homeless man, Ivan focused his anger on Lincoln. 

     "The mushrooms you sold me were fake!"

     Thinking of how to get himself out of trouble, Lincoln turned his head for a moment and then looked Ivan straight in the eyes, lifted his head a bit and asked, "Do you have a receipt?"

     "What?!"

     Lincoln repeated, "Do you have a receipt or don't you?"

     Suddenly, almost in slow motion, Ivan changed his posture and angrily reached for his back pocket.  The homeless man covered his face in horror.

     Ivan handed Lincoln an actual receipt and answered confidently, "Yes, here's my receipt."

     one bag of crack cocaine $19.99

     one unregistered handgun $299.99

     one pair of brass knuckles $49.99

     one gram of magic mushrooms $9.99

     After reviewing the details of the receipt, Lincoln cleverly pointed out, "You forgot to read the fine print."

     "NO REFUNDS"

     Frustrated, Ivan demanded, "I want my money, Lincoln, now!"

     Lincoln replied, "Get a life, Ivan, I don't have time for bums!"  He then politely looked at the homeless man and apologetically clarified to him, "No offense."

     Enraged, Ivan slowly made a fist and then punched Lincoln in the forehead. 

     CRUNCH!

     Ivan had broken his hand on Lincoln's face. 

     "My hand, my hand, look what you did to my hand!"

     In a critical response, hard headed Lincoln said to him, "Well, maybe if you were wearing the brass knuckles I sold you, your hand wouldn't be broken, now would it.  And... look at my forehead, I have your knuckle marks!"

     Very unexpectedly...

     The homeless man ripped off his long beard, which was apparently fake.  He raised his badge to Lincoln, revealing that he was actually a police officer. 

     "You're under arrest!"