A Fool in Korea

All Alone

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A man from Gwanju met a 38-year-old hottie and fell in love. They eventually got married, and he doted on her both day and night, buying  his lady all kinds of expensive gifts. Well, it turns out that she was already hitched to another guy. And she used her sex appeal to hustle her new husband out of nearly $400,000. Trust me. It's not easy being a born sucker. Sadly, I learned this fact from bitter experience.

I called my mom using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "My back is killing me. I can barely walk."

"Shit. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

She grimaced in pain. "I think I have a urinary tract infection."

"You have to be careful. A UTI can lead to another stroke."

Mom waved me off with her hands. "Don't fill my head with bullshit. I'm going to be fine. I simply have to see my doctor and get some antibiotics."

I sighed heavily. "Have you made an appointment?"

"Yes, but he's very busy. I'm visiting his office on the 15th."

I shook my head in disbelief. "The 15th? You might be fucking dead by then."

"I already told you, son. No more negative bullshit. Let's keep things positive."

I nodded compliantly. "I'll do my best."

The best thing about living in South Korea is the healthcare. The peninsula is dotted with medical clinics and hospitals, and they all accept the national health insurance. There's no restrictive networks or shit like that. You walk in, get seen by a professional, and go the fuck home with your medicine. I have no idea why getting quality care in America is so freaking complicated. It literally baffles my mind.

I walked into the living room and was surprised to see Rice-Boy Larry sitting on the sofa.

I said, "What the fuck are you doing up so early?"

"I have a Zoom call scheduled in fifteen minutes."

"With whom?"

"My classmates. We have to discuss the upcoming field trip."

I frowned at him. "Holy shit. What a pain in the ass."

He shrugged his shoulders. "What the hell can I do about it? I just follow orders."

"Should I make you some breakfast?"

"No. I already ate a frozen pizza."

"Good boy. Did you zap it in the microwave or fry it in the pan?"

"The microwave."

I clapped him affectionately on his arm. "Even better. Less for me to clean."

I spent most of the day watching television. I'm still enjoying The Sopranos even though I've already seen it a million times. I'm on the part where Meadow destroys her grandmother's house by hosting a wild party. Tony Soprano is the angriest guy in the history of television. I practically roll off the couch with laughter each time he snaps. He kind of reminds me of me. I'm one of those sad motherfuckers who turns every little misstep in life into a huge catastrophe. 

At two p.m., Larry took a nap. He slept for four hours, and then it was time for him to hit the road. I helped him life his suitcase down to the street. After that, we flagged a taxi, and I gave him a big hug.

I looked him in the eyes. "Don't do anything stupid."

"It's only ten days, Dad."

"That's true. And it will be good for you. Travelling opens your mind. At least, that's what they tell me."

I forlornly humped it back to my humble abode. I hate being alone. It drives me crazy.