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Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Apartments in Seoul now cost and arm and a leg. And one of the major reasons for the soaring prices is that foreigners are buying real estate in this city in order to make a profit. They have no intentions of ever moving to South Korea. Far from it. To them, it's similar to playing the stock market. You buy a house, hold on to it for a couple years, and sell the place to the next sucker for a profit.
I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.
She said, "Your sister wants me to move to Louisiana so that I can be next to her."
I said, "And what did you say?"
"Not a chance in hell. Louisiana is a giant shithole. But she says that I'm getting old and that I need somebody to look after me."
I sighed heavily. "Well, I have my own agenda, so don't listen to me. I'm all about Chicken Ken. He has another three semesters of college before he gets his degree. If you move, you'll really fuck things up for him. Yet I don't want my selfishness to screw up your health."
She smiled at me. "Don't worry. I'm fine. Besides, Sis wouldn't take care of me in a million years. She has too many fires in the iron to care for an old woman like me."
"You ain't that old. You're only seventy-six. And I heard that seventy-six is the new forty."
Mom laughed out loud. "I wish it was true, but I can feel myself slowing down."
"Hang on tight. I'll be back in a couple of years...if you're still alive. However, if you end up dying, then all bets are off."
I took a quick shower before making Rice-Boy Larry his morning meal. I prepared three fried eggs and two pieces of toast. The fucking bacon still hasn't arrived. It's really starting to piss me off. My breakfast was much more simple. I consumed two jelly donuts and a large cup of generic cola.
Larry said, "You look tired."
I nodded in agreement. "I am fucking tired."
"How come?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I couldn't get to sleep. My nuts kept itching, and I was too lazy to get out of bed to rub some cream on my testicles."
He turned up his nose. "That's a little too much information."
"Well, you asked, and I told."
I caught the bus and made it to my office at 7:30 a.m. My friend Richard Hurtz stopped by for some pleasant conversation.
He said, "America is starting a professional rugby league."
I said, "It'll never catch on."
"That's bullshit. Everybody loves rugby."
I took a sip of coffee. "America has too many sports. Baseball, football, basketball. And let's not forget the UFC. So nobody's interested in shit like rugby or soccer. They have zero chance of making a breakthrough with the public."
"It might take a little time, but I have faith."
"What do you care? It's not like you're moving to the States. Besides, you're the wrong color to gain entry. We only accept brown people these days."
"Nobody knows the future. And there are lots of teaching jobs open in your country. I was recently looking at opportunities in rural Montana."
I let out a huge groan. "Rural Montana? Are you kidding me? The winters are brutal. Plus you might get your head ripped off by an angry grizzly bear. And let's not forget the rattle snakes. They grow pretty large in that neck of the woods."
"It'll be a new adventure."
I eventually got home at 6 p.m. and did two loads of laundry. I wanted to vacuum, but I was simply too tired.
