A Fool in Korea

Hollywood

On Saturday morning, I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, "Today's the day when I clean the bathrooms."

She said, "It's not that big of a deal. It'll probably take you less than an hour."

"I get buck naked when I do it."

"What?"

I nodded my head up and down. "You heard right. I strip down to my nuts and my asshole."

She shook her head in disappointment. "Why?"

"In order to scrub the floors with a mixture of water, bleach, and dishwashing liquid. I don't want to fuck up my clothes."

"Don't you own a mop?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I haven't been able to find one. The store across the street doesn't carry them."

"You need to go shopping at bigger markets."

"I would, but my wife took the car. And I can't be bothered catching buses all across town. "

She took a sip of cola and thought for a moment or two. Then she snapped her fingers in triumph. "You should order one off the internet."

"That's a good idea."

I sat on the sofa and switched on Netflix. Then I watched a few episodes of a documentary about wrestlers. These folks aren't superstars. Sadly, they grapple for peanuts in front of rednecks from Kentucky. These athletes are all searching for their big break to climb up into the WWE, but the chances of that actually happening are slim to none. The show is actually quite compelling.

After that, I stripped down to my nuts and my asshole in order to make my floors sparkle. One of my biggest obstacles I face on a weekly basis is the bathtub. I use vinegar and a nasty-looking brush. Yet the fucking thing is tough to clean. I scrub and scrub and scrub, but the final result is always a disappointment.

Then I made egg sandwiches for Rice-Boy Larry. 

I said, "Are they delicious?"

"Sure. Not bad at all."

"I wish my fucking bacon would get here. I've been waiting for more than a week."

"Do you want me to cancel the order and get a refund?"

I frowned at him. "No. We're just gonna have to remain patient."

He suddenly changed the subject. "I'm off to play basketball."

"With whom?"

"Friends I know."

I sighed heavily. "Well, do your best to kick their asses. But make sure you're back by six. Tonight, we're going for napalm chicken."

I went to my room and took a nap. I had a dream about the actor Kurt Russell. I kept telling him that The Thing was a brilliant movie. We were sitting in a hut with a huge fire stove. However, Kurt waved his fist in my face and demanded silence. I was heartbroken. It's funny how these ridiculous little nightmares can have such a huge emotional impact.

Larry returned home right at six on the nose, and we walked across the street to our favorite chicken house. The poultry was very hot, and I had to keep sticking my tongue in my glass of beer in order to get relief.

I said, "The pain is too much!"

He said, "Then why don't you order regular chicken?"

"I don't know. The pain is painful yet enjoyable at the same time."

"You're a masochist."

"When we get home tonight, let's watch Hereditary together. It's my favorite horror movie."

"OK. I've got nothing else to do."

Hereditary is one of the greatest films in the history of Hollywood. In fact, it's a work of pure genius. Larry found the experience extremely disturbing. He began sweating like a pig due to fear and anxiety. However, to his credit, he managed to hang on until the bitter end.