Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
On Sunday night, I took my family out for barbecue pork. It was one of those restaurants where you buy the meat in a butcher shop and then bring it upstairs to cook at your own table. I ate so much pork that I actually thought I might explode. I also polluted myself with lots and lots of soju.
As the first batch sizzled on the grill, I looked at the Dragon Lady. "This might not be enough food to satisfy two hungry men."
"Are you da clazy asshoe? Dis is pwenty. What kind of peeg eat so much?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Me and your boy can really pack it away."
Larry said, "Dad can stay at a restaurant like this for hours on end."
The conversation turned toward one of my fellow teachers. This lady is a giant fuck up, and most of the students dislike her intensely. So, as you can imagine, she gets many complaints from the parents. Her name is Celeste, and she's a huge fan of Marvel movies. In fact, her room is covered in posters featuring various superheroes.
I popped a piece of pork into my mouth and took a swallow of soju. "Thank God for Celeste."
Rice-Boy said, "I thought she was a loon in your book."
I nodded. "Damn straight, she's a loon. But she's a useful maniac."
"How can anybody be a useful maniac?"
"Celeste acts as a lightning rod for the entire staff. The leadership is very concerned about her teaching methodology. Therefore, they often forget that the rest of us are a bunch of fuck-ups, too. We should all pitch in and buy that girl a gift."
The Dragon Lady began drinking beer mixed with soju. In Korea, this beverage is called so-mack. It's a deadly combination for emotionally impaired people, and it wasn't long until she started crying like a baby while calling me horrible names.
"You da worst mothah-fuckka on da pwanet." She wiped her tears away with a soggy napkin. "Why I evah mally you? You scwew up my entire rife."
Rice-Boy became concerned. "What's up with Mom?"
"This is how she gets when she has alcohol in her system. Your mother is a mean drunk."
"Really? I had no idea."
And he wasn't lying when he said it. The Dragon Lady lives a dry lifestyle. It was the first time that Larry had ever seen her in that condition.
He patted her on the hand. "Are you OK?"
"I not OK! I nevah go back to you apartment. Not in milrions of year. Our wedding bad. Me and you fadder da bad match. He nevah my type."
She really caused a whole scene. The entire restaurant was looking at her. And that's the thing with borderline ladies. Lots of them are also histrionic and narcissistic. I can't tell you how many times my wife has embarrassed me in public. I would be writing in this stupid blog non-stop until Christ returns.
Anyway, the final cost for the meal was a hundred dollars. I actually had a good time. True. My family is completely bonkers, but so is everybody else's.
We limped back the Queen Elephant's house at 10 p.m. I went straight to bed and slept like the dead.
On the following day, she drove us to the train station. Then she told me that she was planning on moving back in with me as soon as she finds a job. Needless to say, I suddenly had the urge to piss my pants. Yet what can I do? The crazy bitch is my wife.
