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Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A group of Korean men founded a club called the Self-Reliant Unification North Chungcheong Brethren Society. Anyway, they accepted $20,000 dollars from a North Korean spy in order to finance various espionage activities. They were caught by the police, and now three of the members have been sentenced to 12-year prison terms.
I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.
She said, "I'm really having trouble with my taxes."
I said, "What's the problem?"
"I wanted to save a few bucks, so I'm giving my business to H&R Block."
I sighed heavily. "Are you fucking crazy?"
"Why would that make me crazy?"
"You're a fucking millionaire. Therefore, you have to go back to your old accountant and beg for forgiveness."
Mom pounded her fist against the kitchen counter. "I've got nothing to be forgiven for. That son of a bitch charges $600 every time I walk through his door."
"Which is only once a year!" I paused to collect my thoughts. "Listen carefully. Losers like me get their taxes done in a cubicle at the front of a local Walmart. But millionaires need certified public accountants. Book keepers simply don't have the skills to handle that type of money."
"I'm not a rich lady."
"Well, I would beg to differ. Your property is worth 1.4 million dollars. So you might be cash poor, but Uncle Sam doesn't see it that way. Go pay the six-hundred bucks, and never cheat on your accountant again."
Four years ago, my mother had her friend Sarah do her taxes. Sarah is a book keeper who never passed the CPA exam. Anyway, the IRS sent Mom a bill for $200,000. The poor lady just about shit her pants. That's when she met this new guy who straightened everything out. Sometimes, spending $600 can actually be a bargain.
I caught the bus to work and made it to my office at 8 a.m. I was enjoying another cup of coffee when the phone began to ring. It was the Dragon Lady.
She said, "I got job neah my mudda house. You plomise to hewp me pay da cledit carhd."
"So let me get this straight. You're gonna live with your parents in their fantastic apartment, and you expect me to funnel you money as your son starves to death due to lack of funds?"
"But you plomise!"
"That wasn't the fucking deal. I told you that my door was open and that you're free to return anytime you wish. You're supposed to get a job in Seoul to pay your debt, and I'll pick up your living expenses."
"Asshoe!"
After getting that off her chest, she hung up on me.
I finally returned home at 6 p.m. and cooked dinner for Rice-Boy Larry. We both had bacon sandwiches.
We struck up a conversation while shoveling food into our fat faces.
He said, "I feel a sinister presence in my room. It keeps waking me up in the night? Pretty creepy, right?"
I shook my head in dismay and frustration. "So what you're actually saying is that you might be possessed by the devil."
He shrugged his shoulders. "These things happen."
I gave him a sarcastic smile. "Great. That's just the cherry on top of the fucking sundae."
Then I drank a bottle of soju and went to bed.
But I have to tell you assholes something. Waffle House is starting to look pretty damn good to me. I read on the internet that the company hires fry cooks without any experience. With that said, I must keep my dick up at all costs. Things could always get worse.
