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★ { Yasmin } 17

Client: JMKeira

Reviewer: Owls1221

Title: 5/10

It's fine I guess. Although it immediately gives the idea that it's a young adult story (specifically teenagers) since you mentioned 17. It might've sparked very few questions about what 17 implies but I wouldn't say it was gripping or that interesting.

Cover: 5/10

It's simple, very simple. Again, there wasn't anything intriguing or gripping about a candle with the title.

Summary: 4.5/10

To be honest, the summary didn't grip me either because of one thing (which will be explained in the later sections). The way it was written felt like a description of events rather than a blurb that hooks the readers in. Basically it felt kind of flat when I read it and I wasn't interested.

Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation: 8/10

There were small amounts of grammatical errors, specifically syntax and wording, despite the narrative and plot. For example in the prologue you mentioned 'face of a stranger'. What you meant to say was 'face of the stranger' since you're still referring to the same character.

Vocabulary: 7/10

I think the vocabu;ary was good, however, I feel like you misused them in certain bits? For example in the summary you mentioned a star having a 'physical embodiment'. I was confused here. You see, the word 'embodiment' is usually used when a certain idea or emotion is given an appearance for a strong emphasis of that idea or for people to easily process the meaning. Take the wolf from Puss In Boots' recent movie (if you've seen it), that wolf is the embodiment of death because he's always seen holding his sickles (yes they're farming tools but they're similar to scythe) and always appears whenever Puss was about to die. My brief advice would be to use a dictionary to make sure you understand the word's meaning before you use it. (I still do it in my writing)

Hook: 3/10

Unfortunately, I wasn't hooked due to certain things in the story. (again, will explain in later sections)

Character Development: 4/10

It didn't feel like there was much development? It's more like you showed us some concepts of what you want the characters to do or behave in certain situations. Again, it felt like you're describing things in a flat tone.

Plot Development and Pacing: 3/10

The plot development and pacing felt jumpy. One moment we're in class and the very next second we're in the field and then in the nurse's offices etc. And the fact there was no smooth transition or at least signposting (e.g. letting us know through the text we've moved to a new location). It made me confused thinking when did this character go to the field and when did Uncle Sunny appear out of nowhere and wondering if the characters stayed in one place or did they move. In short, the pacing was poor.

Writing: 4.5/10

Okay, now here's the big thing. I understand, based on the author's note and on the book cover, that this is a draft. And the fact it's a manga script. I've never written manga scripts before but I know for a fact you made some mistakes in terms of writing and showcasing certain things.

In terms of writing, I noticed how you use other characters from other shows just so you can give us an idea of how this particular character of yours behaves, or the fact you give similes of things similar to that. For example how you described Ananis standing 'like an npc'. That is a big no no because it somewhat gives the impression you're writing some sort of 'cringe' fanfic and that you're not taking your work seriously.

I don't want people to think that, and so here's my advice. If you really want to write your own original manga, you must refrain from using any outside sources/materials as an alternative or a way to describe your own OC or describing other events or situations. Otherwise, you'll make your character seem unoriginal and your overall story might look unimportant and trivial. Just follow the generic writing style even if it's a manga script. And that is basically showing the characters' personality through their body language.

Now in terms of showcasing... Oh boy, when you provided the remake of the chapters, once again, it didn't feel like I was reading a story but a report. And not only that, but the fact you literally showed us concepts of your story like some of the character's background story, what they like to do with other characters, how some characters are disguised as this character etc.

It felt like I was exposed to a lot of information that I think was meant to be seen and accessed by the author only, not readers. Basically, it felt like these ideas you presented belonged to some mind-maps or brainstorming sections in your planning notebook or something. Here, you revealed a lot (I mean A LOT) of information to the point you made me lose interest in the story because you revealed too much.

You see, and again, you must follow the generic writing style even if it was a draft. In which you must keep certain information about some of your characters to yourself and maybe reveal it whenever you feel it fits in the narrative. That way you could intrigue readers and hook them with these mysteries and such and you can then surprise them when you make the big reveal. A draft is basically your first or even fifth attempt at writing a story without showing these concepts to the readers. Take one of my stories for example, LOD, I consider it as my first rough draft for the Lionhearts series. Yet I haven't revealed any ideas or stories or information about the characters straight away.

One more thing, when it comes to writing the 'remake' version of the script, I highly suggest you put them in separate chapters to avoid making the pages longer than they need to be.

So overall, don't reveal a lot of information to the readers even if it was a draft. And refrain from using other sources/material when describing events and characters to make your work more serious (as in writing process not the plot) and original.

Personal Enjoyment: 3/10

Again, I wasn't hooked nor interested due to the previous facts I mentioned. If you have any doubts or questions don't hesitate to contact me so I could help you further if you need it.