Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

★ { June } Playing Revenge

Client: brownguiltyeyes

Reviewer: june_berrin

Chapters reviewed: 8

❥ Title/Cover: The title is direct and attractive. No beating about the bush instantly lets the readers know of the genre. It matches your story plot and the overall theme of your book well. The cover is pretty, but the picture used in the background is not very visible. I had to squint my eyes a bit to see it for the first time. It has been darkened a bit too much, I believe. But when seen, the background picture looks good, and I personally believe it could have been better if there were more colors added to the palette, like red or any such, to give out that mafia feeling. The title font is also good; it is very visible, as are the other writings on the cover. I am not a big fan of the color scheme used; it could be me, but I believe there could have been a use of more colors rather than the monochromatic usage of black and white. But otherwise, the cover is pretty and well-connected to the title and plot.

❥ Blurb: I like the blurb; it is hooking and gripping. The way you posed questions at the end further solidified the intrigue that I had. Reading it, I felt given the book. It feels professional and on point, with the perfect amount of information leaked from the plot. And you have managed to convey it mysteriously, too. I like how you used two adjectives all the time, like danger and deceit, answers and revenge, courage and sacrifice, etc. I found it amusing when I read them.

❥ Storyline: The storyline is a cliche-type plot twisted to flow down an unknown new path. Because I have read a lot of stories, the way they were played out was different from this one. So personally, this is a new experience for me reading a Mafia book like this. So far, the storyline is interesting. If I were to ignore the errors in the book, I might even get invested. Which I did. So yeah, great work here.

❥ Writing Style: The first chapter was intriguing; it sets the mood of the story. I especially loved the starting line; it was interesting and a really good one. The character's voice is strong, and we also get a glimpse of Maxine's family dynamics. But I feel it was very small; the ideal chapter length on Wattpad is 1500â€"2000. Sometimes you can stop at 1000; your current first chapter feels shorter than that. Even though, at the end of the day, all that matters is quantity over quality, the better you write your chapter, the more interested the reader will be. But your first chapter compared to your second is massively different in size; there is not a proper scene in it. After a few dialogues, all of a sudden there is a sudden shift in the MC's mood. Why don't you play around with that? Include a scene of the MC and the sister, or give a bit more background information conveying to the readers how your mother used to treat them both when her sister was alive. I recommend being consistent in the chapter length so that when the readers start a chapter, they know how much time they need to spare.

Other than that, the smoothly' in the first chapter and the first paragraph feel a bit redundant and forceful; I would suggest removing them. It is conveyed meaningfully well, but the sentence used could have been structured better. I like the idea you are trying to convey through your writing, but you seem to be having trouble here. It is conveyed meaningfully well, but the sentence used could have been structured better.

The continuity from the first to the second chapter needs to be worked on. I was expecting a bitchy mother, but it was Maxine who was a bitch. I don't know; I got confused for a while, and I had to reread the first chapter to further clarify. If that was not an intentional one, then I suggest you clear that out.

You need to give more background information here; Maxine seems to be speaking directly to the readers in the third chapter. She revealed her dad was in the mafia. And I was expecting to see that conversation being played out rather than getting it all summarized in the next chapter by Maxine. It was a bit disappointing, at least, because it was a wonderful opportunity to add more depth to the characters. While writing numbers, try to incorporate them into words rather than symbols to not break the flow while reading them.

❥ Characters: The characters need some work done on them. The story is very fast-paced at the moment, so the character's emotions are not given much time to grow and properly develop. Like in the first chapter, her mom was bad, and in the second, she was good, and now she is bad again? I think you need to slow down, take a deep breath, and try to read from the point of view of a reader. At the moment, we don't know how any of them look, which is not necessarily an issue if you'd like to have the readers imagine it themselves; if that is the reason, then you will need to give them their own personality to distinguish them among the fray of other characters. Maxine's mother is another riddle for me. I think you have a clear-cut idea of what is happening, but you have to understand that the readers are people who have absolutely no idea as to what is going on, so you are their supposed guide. Maxine acts like a typical teenager, but her emotions are all over the place, quickly changing from one to another.

Other than that, in dialogues, you need to use apostrophes. For example, instead of saying, I am Maxine, you need to say, I'm Maxine. It makes your characters sound more realistic and not like some robots.

❥ Grammar and Vocabulary: I have spotted some grammatical and punctuational errors in your writing from the first chapter. A few of them include the omission of commas, tense errors, concord errors, and some others. You have used clever words and imagery, but it gets dissolved with some unrefined descriptions.

Original: The beautiful night was soon turned into a nightmare.

Edited: The beautiful night soon turned into a nightmare.

Original: This time I was standing right there where the accident occurred, she was crying for help, but I was just standing there doing nothing.
Edited: This time, I was standing right where the accident had occurred. She was crying for help, but I was just standing there, doing nothing.

Original: How am I blaming my mother for doing nothing when I am doing nothing either.
Edited: How can I blame my mother for doing nothing when I am doing nothing either?
Original: It was way past mid night.
Edited: It was way past midnight.
Original: Focus Maxine focus.
Edited: Focus, Maxine, focus.

You use both mom and mother; the thing is, while both regarding the meaning are correct, they both express different types of closure. Mother is often used when the character or their child are not in a good relationship or aren't very close with each other. While mom denotes the opposite, there is a more close bond between them. So, find out what kind of bond you want them to have and choose between one of them.
Also, after every paragraph, you need to leave a
gap like this:
Paragraph 1.

Paragraph 2.

And not like this,
Paragraph 1.
Paragraph 2.

So keep that in mind when you proofread and edit the story. Also, every new sentence must start with a capital letter, no matter how small it is. An example of such a mistake would be in the second chapter, where, towards the beginning, you wrote 'mother' as a single paragraph. You will need to change the 'm' to capital.

I have also noticed that you don't use commas in many areas; please go through it. Also, some of the sentences are a bit too long and can be two different sentences due to the independent clauses in them. To help, I would suggest using Quilbot or Grammarly. They are both free and available in Chrome; you can use them to clear out many of these errors. Also, some of the normal sentences were written inside double inverted commas, making it seem like dialogue, but it is not. Like in the third chapter, the sentence that says 'They all chuckled' or something like that was written inside speech marks. So see to it too.

❥ Conclusion: The story has potential; it is nice, humorous, and interesting (and a bit confusing).  I think there needs to be major editing work done on it. I suggest sorting out an editor on Wattpad. Rose Gold itself has a lot of amazing editors in the fray, so check that out if you please. Other than that, I did enjoy the story, not to lie. I feel like your writing style falls under the category of many writers on Wattpad. Even though it's incorrect, it's quite a common style.

And lastly, if any of my words hurt you or if I have misinterpreted anything, I sincerely aapologize that was never my intention. Remember that no author gets a beautiful, perfect draft the first time they write it; they edit it repeatedly the more they learn. So don't get discouraged or lose the motivation to write with my  words, I am a different person with my own set of opinions, so there are stuff you can get from my review and there might not be. But don't let that kill the writer's passion inside. With that being said, I hope you have had a great day.
Best Wishes. 🌻