Lexi
The shelves were covered in dust. It didn't matter how many times I cleaned them, how many hours I spent taking the books down, cleaning the shelves, and putting them back up again. They were always dusty.
I sighed, wiping the sweat on my forehead with my sleeve. The bookstore was empty, giving me plenty of time to rearrange the books strewn about. I hated this time of day, when the traffic was slow and the store was deserted and I found myself alone again, as I always seemed to be lately. It made my mind race, and my thoughts swirl around, and somehow, every single time, they would veer off to a bloody car accident.
I shook my head, dispelling the familiar scene away. Putting the last book in its place, I headed back to the front of the store, taking my place behind the counter. I stared out the door, the late afternoon sun casting a warm glow against the glass. People hurried along the sidewalk, cars drove by, and I sighed again. How could someone be surrounded by people their whole life yet feel so devastatingly alone?
Just then, the bell above the door rang, bringing me out of my thoughts. I smiled as Mrs O'Connor walked in, her familiar hazel eyes sending a longing pang straight to my heart.
“Lexi, darling, how are you?” Mrs O'Connor said, coming around the counter and putting her arms around me. I hugged her back, her familiar scent comforting my racing thoughts.
“I'm alright, Mrs O'connor, how about you?”
“Please, I told you a million times to call me Deb,” she chastised, swatting my arms playfully. “Have you heard the news?”
I furrowed my eyebrows, confused.
“What news?”
Her beaming smile made my eyes tear up. She looked so much like Tori that sometimes, it hurt to look at her.
“Carson is coming home for Thanksgiving!” Deb said, excitement coming out of her in waves.
My heart skipped a beat at the mention of his name, cold sweat coating my back. The last time I saw Carson was a few days after his sister's funeral. I had gone to his house to grab a few things from Tori’s room, and he had slammed the door in my face, telling me he never wanted to see me again. He had left for college soon after and hadn't been home since.
“Can you believe it?” Deb continued, unaware of my thoughts. “He hasn't been home in seven years! I bet he missed you. You two were inseparable back then.”
“Yes, we were,” I whispered, trying to keep the pain away from my voice. Debra had been through more than enough for one lifetime. She didn't need to carry my grief as well.
“You'll come by for some turkey, won't you?” She smiled hopefully. “We would all love to see you! And don't worry about your mom, I'll prepare a few dishes for you to take home.”
Something told me I wouldn't be welcomed in with open arms, but I kept that to myself.
“I'll drop by,” I said, knowing all too well that I wouldn't keep that promise.
She hugged me again, smiling brightly as she left. I sunk back into my chair, struggling to swallow back the flood of emotions that rose in my chest. After I had left for college six years ago, I struggled to cope. I was drowning in pain, sorrow, and guilt that I was miserable the entire time I was there. I couldn't make any friends, I couldn't bring myself to open up, I couldn't move on. So when my mom got sick and couldn't work anymore, a small part of me was relieved that I had to come back and take care of her. I quit my job as an editor, gotten one at the local bookstore, and spent my time between the house, my job, and the cemetery. Everyone from my class had moved on with their lives, going to colleges in different states, getting jobs, and making a life for themselves that wasn't centred around this town. I watched them on social media, keeping tabs on how different their lives looked now compared to the versions of them I knew in school.
Carson was one of them, living and working in Miam. Hee seemed to have left us behind. He left me behind.
I tried to reach out to him a few times over the years, wishing him a happy birthday or a merry Christmas. It wasn't until the 10th time that my messages went undelivered that I decided to give up. The only person who knew how I felt, who shared my loss, and my grief didn't want anything to do with me. That realization left a hole in my chest that nothing and no one could ever fill.
As night fell, I made my way back home. The brisk November air sent a chill up my spine, and I tightened my scarf around my neck. The yellow street lights followed me on my way, the ten minute trip stretching into an infinity as my mind raced. I didn't know how to feel about his sudden visit after all these years. A part of me, a small, hopeful part, was excited. Before that night, Carson, Tori, and I were inseparable. We did everything together, spending our summers over each other's houses and going on vacations with each other's families. Mr O'Connor was like the father I never had, and Tori was my sister. It wasn't until his junior year when he started dating Mandy that Carson became distant. But I didn't let it get to me. He was still my friend, and living across the street from each other meant I got to see him every day. But I couldn't delude myself into thinking that that Carson was the one coming back to me. Tori’s death changed him, and within the span of a few days, he became a stranger.
I pushed the key into the lock, walking into the dark house. Flicking the switch, I dropped my bag on the entrance table, shrugging off my coat and scarf. Inside, the house was silent, and the all-encompassing sense of loneliness swallowed me whole. I trudged up the stairs, opening the door to my mother's room. She was sleeping still, as she always was lately, and I brushed a hand over her forehead . My mother used to be a strong woman, fierce, independent. She didn't let the loss of my father get to her, and she never made me feel like I was too much for her to handle. She took her role as a single mother seriously, giving me everything I could possibly need. But now, as this sickness took over her body, she was but a shell of her former self. The trust fund my father left for me before he died ended up being divided between my tuition fees and my mother's illness, so I had to get any job I could to keep us going. Her savings were drained pretty quickly, only less than a third remaining.
“Hey baby,” my mom said, her eyes barely open.
“Hey mom, how are you feeling?”
“Better.” She nodded, trying to fight the drowsiness. “How was your day?”
“Boring,” I said with a light chuckle. “I'll go make dinner, okay?”
She smiled weakly, closing her eyes again.
In the kitchen, as I stood alone among the unwashed dishes, I let the tears fall.
YOU ARE READING
The Love We Left Behind
Romance"I could never get her out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. I could never move on with my life. I fought, and I fought, but it was pointless. She was ingrained in my mind and soul, and I despised her for it. Lexi Black was the bane of my exis...
