The Love We Left Behind

Some of us don't get a happy ending

Lexi

The drive to the hospital took about an hour. I helped my mom get settled, made sure she was looked after, and promised her I'd be back once my shift at the bookstore was over. I wanted to stay with her, but I couldn't miss another day of work.
When she was first diagnosed a little over a year ago, the initial stage of treatment took about six weeks. I had spent almost all of my time at the hospital with her, too afraid to leave her alone in case something happened. I had just gotten back from university then, and Carl, the owner of Books and Beyond, had another part timer working for him, so he didn't mind me missing some shifts here and then. Now, I was the sole employee in the store, and he made it clear that I might lose my job if I asked for more days off.

The second stage of treatment, thankfully, didn't require my mom to be confined to a hospital bed for weeks at a time. Much like today, I would take her to her treatment, spend the night with her, and if all was clear, a day or two later, I would take her home to recover.

The whole ordeal was terribly hard on her. My mom was a strong, brave woman, and she hated having to rely on anyone for help. What made matters worse is that she had no one else, and she still felt guilty for having me back instead of pursuing a career and living my life. When she started losing her hair, her self-esteem took a big hit, and she rarely left the house unless it was to go to her treatments. It was clear by then that I wouldn't be able to leave her. I didn't have to tell her that I had a terrible time at university, that I couldn't make any new friends or form any sort of healthy relationship, that I couldn't get over Tori. I simply came back, took over my mother's care, and we never spoke of my life outside of this town.

My shift at the bookstore dragged on for what felt like forever, my mind swimming with thoughts of my mother, her illness, and the hospital bills that were piling up. I had briefly considered selling our car to help pay some of the debt off, but the hospital was too far away for me to entertain that thought for too long. I couldn't put my mom through a two hour journey in a cab when she had just gotten out of chemotherapy. The house was an option as well, but that would have to be my last resort. I could find an apartment, something small and affordable for just the two of us, but my childhood home held so many memories that even the thought of selling it sent bile up my throat.

By the time my shift was over, I had spun myself into an anxious knot. I locked up the store, shoving the key into my coat pocket, and hurried back home. I didn't drive to and from the store, the 10 minute walk seeming too short to waste gas on. The weather was cold, the light rain covering the stone walkways that spread across our small town. I sighed, hot air fogging up the space in front of me. When my mind wasn't swirling around with thoughts of bills, leukaemia, and work, it was playing my last interaction with Carson on repeat.

Thanksgiving was already four days ago, yet his words stung just as bad as the moment he said them. My heart broke every time I remembered the look on his face when he told me he wished I was dead. In his grief, he turned into someone I hardly recognised. Losing Tori left us all shattered, but despite what he did to me that night, I wanted nothing but to be there for him. I wanted him to be there for me, too. How could he let go of seventeen years of friendship so easily? How could he turn his back on me like I meant nothing?

I opened the door, rushing through the house to pack an overnight bag. I grabbed some essentials for my mom and I, toothbrushes, pajamas, a pillow, and a few snacks, threw them in my bag and headed back out. Shoving a few chips in my mouth, I made a mental note to get some actual food when I got to the hospital, and started the car. The familiar road spread in front of me, a few cars passing by as everyone rushed home. I checked my phone in case my mom had called or texted, but when I found nothing, I stopped the car in front of the cemetery and got out. It was like my little routine; every time I went to the hospital, I would stop by Tori’s grave and tell her about my day.
The grey headstone greeted me as I came to a stop in front of the grave, my red roses from the last time I was here swaying in the wind. They were joined by another bouquet, and I wondered if Mrs O'Connor had stopped by.

“Enjoying the weather, Tori?” I smiled, remembering how much my best friend loved the rain. She would always remind me how winter was her favorite season, and every time a storm rumbled in the sky, she would pull me out of bed to watch the lightning with her.

“I hope you had a better week than me up there,” I scoffed, looking up at the grey sky. “Mine was shit. I had to take my mom to the hospital today. The treatment is taking a toll on her again. I thought she was doing better after the first round, but she's getting thin again.” I sighed, rubbing my temples lightly.
“Carson came to see me,” I said after a pause, contemplating my situation. I was standing in an empty cemetery, talking to my dead friend because she was the only one I had. It was sad, but what else was I supposed to do? “He got even hotter, by the way. Did I already tell you that?” I chuckled at my own words, practically feeling her roll her eyes at me from the heavens.
“I guess that doesn't matter, though, since he hates my guts.”

A creak from behind me echoed through the empty cemetery, but I didn't bother checking it. The gate was old, and it made some disturbing noises in the wind.
“He became so cruel,” I continued, immersed in my own world. “So angry. Losing you changed him, but I never thought he'd turn his back on me like that. You know he told me he wished I was the one who died that night?” I let out a deep breath, my chest feeling heavier by the second. “I don't get it, Tori. What did I ever do to him?”

“You killed my sister.”

I spun around, almost losing my balance on the damp dirt. Behind me, Carson was standing a few feet away, posture rigid and eyes blazing as he glared at me.

“What?” I whispered, too stunned by his sudden appearance.

“You wanted to know why I hate you so much?” He asked, voice colder than the dropping temperature around us. “You killed my sister.”

“What are you talking about?” I shook my head in disbelief, his words ringing through my ears like a siren.

“If you hadn't shown up to that party, if you didn't get drunk, she wouldn't have had to come pick you up. She wouldn't have been hit by that drunk driver. She would still be alive today.” Carson's face twisted in an angry scowl, his blue eyes frosting over.

“I wasn't drunk. What the hell are you talking about? You're the reason I-”

He cut me off, an accusing finger jamming into my chest on repeat as he screamed at me in the middle of the cemetery. “ Don't you dare lie to me! I smelled the beer on you that night. When I was holding my dead sister in my arms, you smelled like a shitty bar. You just had to come to that party, didn't you Lexi? You had to be the cool one who didn't want to spend her Saturday night at home. You had to put yourself first, and you had to drag my sister into your selfish mess.”

He was blaming me. Carson was blaming me for being at that party when he was the one who texted me to come. He was the one who wanted to humiliate me in front of his shitty girlfriend and his shitty friends, yet I was the one to blame for everything. I wanted to fight back, I wanted to scream at him, to call him every name under the sun for being a cruel, selfish bastard. But my vision was growing darker by the second, and my breathing was becoming laboured. Images of that night flashed through my head as I struggled to gain back control of my body; Carson sitting on the sofa with a drink in his hand as his girlfriend called me annoying and clingy, crying in the bushes as I waited for Tori to pick me up, my best friend's eyes locked into an eternal stare as her dead body lay limp on the street.

“You took her away from me, and you're still wondering why I can't stand the sight of you? You're so fucking pathetic Lexi.” His words pierced through the dark haze that enveloped my mind, and I could no longer stand there and listen to him put the blame on me. He was committed to humiliating me, to making my life hell. He didn't know it was already there.

I finally got my legs to listen, pushing past him as I ran for the gate. He grunted in pain as my body slammed into him, but I didn't care. I dove into my car and bolted for the freeway, struggling to get my breathing under control. It took a while but I finally managed to shove my panic away. I took a swig of my water bottle, keeping my eyes on the dark road. Carson was a cruel, manipulative monster, and I no longer wanted anything to do with him. From this moment on, he was dead to me.