Carson
On my way here, I was determined to make this work. As I drove home, Mandy’s words bouncing around in my brain, I had promised myself that I would do whatever it took to make her forgive me. But now, as I stood at her door, I was beginning to doubt whether or not there was anything left of us to fix.
The look in her eyes was full of anger, full of hatred. She glared at me like she wished I would catch fire right then and there, and a part of me suspected I would if I didn't get away from her. But I couldn't, I couldn't walk away from her again. I already did that once, and it broke me past the point of repair.
“I ran into Mandy this morning,” I rushed to say before she slammed the door in my face.
“And?” Her reply was dry, disinterest rolling from that one word and coating the air around us with thick tension.
“She told me about what happened that night five years ago, about the texts, about what she did to you.” I took a step toward her, my hands itching to grab her, but knowing she would most likely slap me if I tried. “I didn't send those texts, Lexi. Mandy took my phone and invited you to the party because she was jealous of you and she wanted to drive a wedge between us.”
Lexi nodded, the look in her eyes vacant. “Well, congratulations to her. She got exactly what she wanted.”
“No, you don't understand! I've been blaming you this whole time because I thought you ditched Tori to get wasted, but I know that's not the case now. You weren't even drinking that night.”
“I could have told you that,” she whispered.
“What?”
My heart picked up speed, the pressure almost making my chest cave in. The look on her face didn't change, still full of anger, still full of hatred.
“I could have told you all of that,” Lexi repeated, her voice growing louder with each word. “I could have explained everything, told you the whole story, if you had just listened. I tried to talk to you after the hospital, and you walked away from me. I tried again at the cemetery, and you acted like I didn't exist. But did I give up? No, like the stupid bitch that I was, I came to your house and you slammed the door in my face!” She was screaming at this point, her hands flailing around as she recalled how I treated Her five years ago.
“I was grieving, Lexi. I didn't know how to handle that loss.” Even as I said the words, I knew it was a horrible excuse.
Her brown eyes zeroed in on me, all of the pain and agony she held onto for years pouring out of her in waves that threatened to pull me under. She stepped away from the door, pulling it close before she pushed me away.
“I was grieving too, you asshole.” She pushed me again, and I let her. Her eyes filled up with tears, the sight breaking my heart all over again. “I was in pain, and I needed you. The only person who knew what it felt like to lose her, the only person who loved her just as much as I did, I wanted to grieve with you!” Her voice rose once again, riddled with hiccups and broken sobs. “I wanted to be there for you despite the fact that I thought you invited me that night to break my heart. I let that go because Tori died! She fucking died! And you turned your back on me, you left me behind like I meant nothing. I loved you, and you broke my heart like it was the easiest thing in the world.”
Her pushing turned into punching, her small fists not nearly as damaging as her words were.
“What?” My question went unnoticed, Lexi continuing to sob in front of me. She loved me?
“I called and texted every day for an entire year. I begged you to talk to me, I begged you to come back and tell me why you suddenly fucking hated me so much.” She wiped her face with her clenched fist, her eyes wild with misery. “I got the message after a year, though. You wanted nothing to do with me. I spent my senior year alone and hurting, then I went to college and I was still alone and hurting. I never got to move on. I lost both of you that night and my life ended. I couldn't make any friends, I couldn't keep a relationship to save my life. I came back here after my mother got sick and a sad, twisted part of me was glad I didn't have to pretend I had anything left to live for. I spend my time between the hospital, the bookstore, and the cemetery because I couldn't bare the fucking thought of leaving my best friend behind. And the first thing you say to me after disappearing for seven fucking years was how pathetic you thought I was.”
Shame, guilt, and sadness coursed through my veins, the memory of our first meeting at the bookstore clawing at my brain, a painful reminder of how cruel I was. Lexi was suffering, the only girl I had ever loved was in so much pain, and most of it was because of me. How did I let myself become this horrible monster ? How did I get so immersed in my own grief that I failed to see the hell she was in? Why did I do this to her?
“Lexi,” I whispered, trying to reach for her again. She slapped my arm away, taking a few steps back away from me. The distance was like a dagger to my heart, but I didn't dare to move. “I'm sorry, I was horrible to you and you didn't deserve any of it. I'm so sorry, Lexi, I truly am.”
“I don't care.”
My heart shattered.
“Don't say that. Please Lexi, let me fix this.”
“There is nothing left to fix.” She wrapped her arms around her torso, as if trying to keep herself together. I did that, I realized with a tormented sigh, I broke her. “Just leave me alone. Go back to your life and pretend like I don't exist, you've been doing an excellent job of that for the past seven years.”
She turned her back on me, walking into her house and slamming the door shut.
My eyes stung with unshed tears as I walked back into my house, a heavy weight settling into my bones when the gravity of my situation finally dawned on me. All of these years, I was so preoccupied with my own grief, so tormented by anger and hatred that I didn't even stop to think about what was going on in Lexi's life. My breath hitched in my throat, the painful thudding of my heart sending shock waves of agony through my body. I collapsed on my bed, struggling to regain control over my breathing.
Inhale.
Hold.
Exhale.
I shut my eyes, my head spinning.
Inhale.
Hold.
Exhale.
“Carson, sweetie, are you okay?” My mom's voice cracked the tension that engulfed me in half. I had no idea how long I had been lying there, gasping for air, when her warm hands cupped my face.
“Breathe, sweetie.” She kept her eyes on me, taking deep breaths with me. I hadn't realized I was crying until she wiped my tears away.
“What's wrong? What happened?”
I sat up, falling into her open arms as I sobbed.
“I ruined everything mom,” I cried, my voice broken. “I hated her for so long, blamed her for everything, but she didn't do anything wrong. And now it's too late.”
My mom hushed me, rubbing my back softly. “It's never too late, Carson.”
I pulled away to look at her, shaking my head fervently.
“listen to me,” she said, holding my face firmly in her palms. “You made a mistake, yes. But nothing is ruined, sweetie. You two have loved each other long enough, Carson. Love like that is never lost.”
My mom wiped the rest of my tears with the sleeve of her sweater, her hazel eyes soft as she looked at me. “You can fix this,” she continued. “You can make it up to her.”
I nodded, my mother's words sending a new spark of hope to my shattered heart. I had loved Lexi for as long as I could remember, and I would spend the rest of my life doing everything I could to earn her forgiveness if that was what it took to have her back in my life
YOU ARE READING
The Love We Left Behind
Romance"I could never get her out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. I could never move on with my life. I fought, and I fought, but it was pointless. She was ingrained in my mind and soul, and I despised her for it. Lexi Black was the bane of my exis...
