The Love We Left Behind

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Lexi

Sleep evaded me that night. My heart raced as I remembered the way Carson kissed me. It was everything I had wanted since I was a teenager, yet it felt poisonous on my lips. I had been imaging the day he came to me, the moment he finally confessed his feelings for me and the euphoria that would consume me when he finally kissed me for the first time, but reality always managed to fall short in comparison.

For a moment, all I wanted to do was kiss him back. I wanted nothing more than to melt into his arms and tell him how much I missed him, how much I needed him, how much I loved him. But that moment was soon trampled with countless memories from the night Tori died till the day he came back into my life seven years later. He had tortured me for years, icing me out, pretending I didn't exist. He had called me pathetic, cruel, and selfish. Carson had broken me in many ways, so how could I forget all of that simply because he apologized? How could I move on and pretend the past seven years had never happened?

As I stood at the counter the next day, scanning books for a few customers, I wished I could rewind time. If I could, I would have stayed with Tori. I wouldn't have fallen for Mandy’s trap, I wouldn't have gone to that party, I wouldn't have lost everything. My best friend would be by my side, and we would have our bookstore and coffee shop business up and running by now.

And Carson.

Maybe things would have been different with Carson. Maybe then, kissing him wouldn't have felt like the ultimate betrayal. Maybe this pain in my heart wouldn't have been the only constant in my life.
Maybe I could have been happy.

*

I heaved a sigh as I climbed up the driveway, the sight of another box at the door sending a wave of irritation down my spine. I stopped in front of it, debating leaving it there and moving on with my life. A note at the top of the box grabbed my attention, and despite my better judgment, I bent down to read it.

No more gifts, I promise.

Curious, I lifted the top of the box, only to see countless letters staring back at me. There must have been hundreds in there, if not thousands, and my heart skipped a beat at the sight. Lifting the box, I hauled it inside, depositing it in my room before rifling through it. They were in order, starting from the day of Tori’s funeral, up until last night. Was he writing to me this whole time? Why didn't I get these? Did he even send them or did he collect them?

I sat down on my bed, throwing away my scarf and coat, and pulling up the first letter.

I just buried my little sister.
How could this be possible? How is this my life? This wasn't supposed to happen, Lexi. This was never supposed to happen.
Why did you do this to me? Why did you come to that party? How could you leave her behind? She was your best friend, your sister. You were her entire life. Why did you come? Why did she have to be there? Why did I have to see my sister die? Why couldn't I have stayed behind?
This is all your fault. You ruined everything.
You ruined me.

I shoved the paper away, biting down on my fist to keep from making any loud noises. Tears streamed down my face as I remembered the look in Carson's eyes the day of the funeral. It was vacant, lifeless, until he set eyes on me and all of his anger came surging forward.
I grabbed the next letter, bracing myself for more pain.

You came to my house yesterday .
Did you honestly think I would let you in? Did you think I'd get over it so soon? Why were you there?
You were crying, and a stupid part of me wanted to hug you and wipe your tears away. But I would never do that. I would never be your shoulder to cry on, Lexi. I would never be your peace again.
Not after you killed my sister.
I will never see you again, that's a promise.
I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back.