The Love We Left Behind

Too little too late

Lexi

My neck hurt.

Despite bringing my own pillow, sleeping in the spare hospital bed proved impossible. I tossed and turned all night, trying _but failing_ to get comfortable.

When morning came, I couldn't wait for the doctor to clear my mom to return home. Her session had taken a few hours yesterday, and the rest of her time was spent recuperating from the gruelling effects of chemo on her body. Once everything was checked, I started packing our belongings, eager to take a nap in my own bed before I had to get to work.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” My mom asked, putting her black beanie on. I had helped her get dressed, her wool set providing her some extra warmth for the ride back, her black coat resting next to her on the bed.

I lifted my head from the bag I was currently stuffing with her clothes, a faint smile on my face.
“Shouldn't I be asking you that?”

“You look more tired than I do.” She rubbed her collarbone with her palm, her eyes scanning my face.

“I didn't sleep well, that's all.” I finished packing our things, putting my coat on and walking toward the bed where she was still sitting. “As soon as I get you settled back home, I'll take a nap and be good as new.”

I bent down, helping her put her shoes on, tying the laces a few times to make sure she didn't trip like the last time we were here.

“I'm sorry, sweetie. You're stretching yourself thin, taking care of me and the bills and the house. I feel terrible. You should be out in the world, living your life.”

I looked up at her, swiping the tear that escaped her eyes with my thumb. My heart clenched at the sadness in her gaze and the fragility in her face. She had lost so much weight, her bones sticking out like a terrible reminder of all of the agony she had been through.

“You just focus on getting better, mom. Okay? Once you're all healed and back to normal, I'll go on a world tour.”

She giggled, stroking my hair in slow movements. “Deal.” She nodded firmly.

I stood up, reaching around her to help her wear her coat. Once everything was ready, we walked out of the hospital, settling in the car for the long journey home.

Around ten minutes into the drive, my mom dozed off, leaving me to my own thoughts. The doctor had said she was making great progress so far and that she was on track for remission. The heaviness that surrounded my heart even since she was diagnosed lifted a bit, the hope that my mother could actually get better and go back to being the strong, amazing woman I had known my whole life, making me push through all of the pain and the misery. Once she was all done with chemotherapy and I had more time on my hands, I was going to have to get another job. The hospital bills were piling up, and my meagre paycheck from the bookstore was barely keeping us afloat. The trust fund my father had left me had already taken a massive hit with my tuition and the initial part of my mother's treatment. Her savings account, along with her inheritance, were not enough to get us out of medical debt, and other than selling the house or the car, I was running low on options.

I sighed, gripping the steering wheel so hard my fists lost all color. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have gone to university. It seemed pointless, a waste of money and time. When we were younger, Tori and I had a plan. We were going to go to college together, she would major in business, and I would pick English literature. Once we graduated, we would open a bookstore that coupled as a coffee shop and a florist. It would start small, in a city of our choosing, then with her business driven mind and my love for books, we would turn it into a franchise that would take the country by storm. Years later, the only part that came to life from that dream was me working in a bookstore in the town my best friend and I couldn't wait to leave behind.