Stalking Kasey

Where Have I Been?

Not another update, sorry.

An explanation.

I hate leaving you guys hanging. I hate leaving my stories hanging. I hate more than anything that I get so, so close to finishing, and then drag it out for an eternity.

Am I going to finish Stalking Kasey?

Yes.

When I decide to post a story on here (and not take it down within 3 months) then that's a promise to finish it, no matter how long that takes. And for some stories (ahem Winter Fire) that's ends up being a looooooong time. But I will never abandon these and I will always eventually come back to chip away at it again.

Why haven't I been writing?

Writing used to be my safe place. This is where I would go to bleed. My life has been filled with sharp things I have had to hold and writing has been my way to express it all. But I lost that safe place a couple years ago. Writing became less of a release and more of a build up of tension. I was overthinking and frustrated when things didn't go the way I wanted them and I'd get so, so anxious about writing that it would make my whole body lock up.

I stopped writing for fun. I stopped writing to bleed. My wounds scabbed over. I started to heal.

But I didn't know how to write in anything but red.

Where have I been?

To be honest, I've been in therapy. Sitting on couches and holding pillows close as I fought to open up and trust.

I have c-ptsd from childhood trauma and it's basically ruled my entire life up to this point.

Where I've been is fighting like hell to get out of a bad situation and find the support I need to heal and recover. And that's hasn't been easy. Actually, it's been near impossible.

I've been healing, is where I've been, messily and sloppily and brokenly, but when I look back at the girl I was two years ago, she is so different from me now, different and yet still the same in all the right ways. But it's been hard. It's not easy. I'm facing things I spent my entire life running from.

My wounds are healing instead of bleeding and I don't know how to write anymore.

My love for it is still the same. I've been playing with ideas and writing a few scraps of things here and there and working occasionally on my first novel, but it doesn't flow like it used to. It isn't easy like it used to be.

Am I going to keep writing?

Until my last breath. I just don't know what that's going to look like right now.

It's been so hard to get myself to actually sit down and do things, but this last week, I've been able to live in a safe, supportive environment verses my childhood home and that's freed up a lot of space for things other than tension and grief. And I started to chip away at Kasey again.

I don't have much motivation for this story anymore, but I want to finish what I started and I've already got it all outlined and the ending written. I just need to slip in the last few pieces. It's going to be shorter than originally intended. I'm not going to hold myself to word counts, instead just mainly trying to get all the parts down that will make it whole.

When am I going to finish Stalking Kasey?

I don't know. I have to be honest. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if this little space I have for writing again is enough.

I know I can't be consistent. But I don't want to be absent.

I'm so close, there's only 15 chapters (30 parts total) and chapters 14 - 15 are already done. I just posted Ch. 10. That's three chapters in Kasey's pov and four in the stalker's (who we know by now but I'll omit it in case someone jumps ahead to read this). Word goal for Kasey was 2000-3000 but I'll drop the minimum to 1000 just to make it easier on myself to get out more chapters (I might end up adding some to the total count, we'll see) and the stalker's was 500-1500 which I'll leave the same, but they'll probably be on the shorter side.

My super hopeful goal is that I can finish this by fall. My actual hopeful goal is by the end of the year. My actual realistic goal is that it takes as long as it takes.

When's the next update?

Consistency is a battle for me and one of my deepest desires. I want so badly to be able to stick to things, routines, plans, goals, all of it, but with my mental health and my physical health being so rough and unpredictable (I've learned I might have multiple sclerosis so I'm doctor hopping and in a lot of pain and weakness in the meantime), I don't even know what state I'll be in the next hour, so making plans or schedules just doesn't work for me.

I'm going to try to write more, but while I do have a little more space, it is only a little, and I do need space for all these doctor's appointments and all this pain and the other things I love doing and the things that keep me alive like broccoli and making money.

So I don't know. Next week? Next month? Three?

I guess you'll just have to stick around and see. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also, I think I come across as distant and awkward because I'm anxious, but I'm friendly and I'd like to say hi to all of you that are still here or brand new.

So, hi. 😊
Thanks for reading my sucky stories.
I'll make good ones one day.

💜 Lilli