Educational Experience

Part III--Chapter 18

I was just goofing around, you know?

See, on the radio station they had going in the therapy room, I'd heard that song with Janet Jackson and Busta Rhymes, that "What's It Gonna Be?" song that's nothing but bass and drums almost. Real syncopated, you know? And I started crumping and locking and stuff-you remember how I am about music.

But I hadn't gone into full dancin' fool mode for months, because I was still holey as a piece of Swiss cheese or something in some parts of my body. I had a couple of places near my spine and also in one of my thighs where the flesh had been blown apart and the nerves in there weren't working hardly at all at first. That's why it was taking me so long to walk right.

But the beats just got the best of me that morning. I was into it before I could stop myself.

And Big Man-he'd come by to hang out for a while with me--says, "Well, Aisha's got the magic touch, huh?"

It was always going to be like that. Because like Aisha said, it had been like that for so long. Old habits, you know? And people just like the whole idea, too. Of me and the girls. Even the girls do. To them, it's the last little bit of their street training showing, when they do that. Bragging about their "man" and what they do to please him.

And he folded his arms and winked and said, "You know she came back, right?"

But I didn't hear it. Or, I heard it, but I'd already sort of grabbed hold of the barre thing, that rail they have by the mirrored wall for the ones who do dance stuff as part of their therapy. Only, it couldn't hold me up. Or I couldn't hold myself up.

Something was 'way wrong. So wrong that I broke into one of those sweats I'd got so used to before, when I was still totally bedridden. There was a lot of pain, but mostly, I got this feeling like night coming down on me, or clouds closing in all around me, like this was going to be the thing that messed up my life forever.

I had grabbed the barre thing when I felt something inside sort of pop or rip or something. Burned like hell. And I couldn't use my legs at all. It was like they were both asleep, that tingling feeling you get, you know? But I couldn't stomp this away. This was something deep.

Big Man was there before I could even say anything. Actually, I couldn't say anything because I was seeing stars, or those little flashing dots that...I don't know how to describe it. But if you ever ate something bad or were about to faint, you know what I mean.

And I felt all kinds of nauseous, but I wasn't about to throw up on Big Man. That little bit of macho man inside me kept me from humiliating myself entirely. But I laid there like a limp rag doll in his arms while he yelled for help. And damned near the whole hospital came running.

They got me on this cot thing in there, and started working me over and pushing the panic buttons on the walls. I would've been scared if it hadn't hurt so damned bad. And it was right where one of those places I told you about was located, the pain.

So then I did get scared because of what I told you about the nerves and all that. If they got messed up for good, then I might never walk and then they'd never give me my kids and my whole life would be, like...well, I mean, I could get all kinds of help but-okay, I'm making about as much sense now as I was that day. I'm sorry.

But all my thoughts were just bumping into each other and not linking up right. That darkness, that feeling like everything was fucked up forever, that's what did it. I started thinking about all the stuff that wouldn't happen if this was something really bad that I couldn't recover from and it was like wheels spinning in my brain, you know? Getting nowhere fast.