Falling for a Psycho

Chapter Seventeen

Seventeen: Marilyn’s P.O.V

I’m being hugged by Donovan, and surprisingly, I like it. I don’t feel the love that others feel, but I know that it feels good and I like it. I don’t mind it. I rest my head on his shoulder, liking the warmth and company. I don’t feel lonely.

Donovan doesn’t leave for a while. I’m starting to fall asleep on his shoulder, and he doesn’t want to move. He keeps playing with my hair which is at my ass now because I haven’t cut it since I got arrested, and even then, it was long. It’s unruly and uncombed. I don’t mind it.

I look up at Donovan, who is dozing off, and move as close as I can to him. I feel comforted by him and I don’t want him to leave I like Donovan. I don’t want him to go away.

It’s like I’ve finally made a friend. I don’t want to hurt him like I did before. I just want to stay here and not move. I like this comfort. I like Donovan.

I actually want to hug him back, but since I can’t move my arm, that’s impossible.

I told him about why I’m so mean. I told him about the rapes, and he understood. He didn’t ask questions. He just sat there and listened. I finally have someone who listens to me. That doesn’t happen either. Never. No one just listens to me. Not even my psychologists.

They just ask me questions and run tests, and that pisses me off, making me get mean and violent. I’ve hurt a few psychologists before. It’s because I have that killing urge, and they’re right in front of me so of course I go for that opportunity. They deserve it. They provoke me, and provoking me only gets me angrier.

I wake up the next morning, my head resting in Donovan’s lap. He’s fast asleep leaning against me, and there’s a barrage of doctors and guards staring at us through the observation window across the room.  They’re taking notes. I look at them, and then nudge Donovan. He wakes up and looks down at me. I

“They’re looking at us,” I say. Donovan sits up, and so do I. I look up at him, and sigh. The guards come in and get him out, but allow him to come back. I think they want to see if it changes me.

The doctors let me eat my own breakfast, but I’m supervised. Its bacon, eggs, and toast, which aren’t bad. They finally let me go pee, and that’s fantastic. They apologize for forgetting yesterday, and oddly, I forgive them.

Maybe they think I’m changing. Maybe I am. I don’t know. I still feel like killing something, but it’s not a prominent feeling anymore. It doesn’t overpower all of my others like it usually does. The feeling of wanting to kill someone is usually the feeling that dominates all of the other feelings, making me mean and generally not a nice person.

I don’t feel like being mean today. I don’t. I don’t know why, and I know it’s strange, but I don’t have that feeling. I don’t want to curse someone out for no reason, or break someone’s arm. I don’t want to go on a killing spree. I just want to see Donovan again. I don’t know why.

I don’t know what these new and sudden feelings are. They’re strange. Very strange.

I get a shower that day, and I don’t mind it this time. I don’t threaten the guards who are washing me. I just stay quiet, staring at the tile wall. I am starting to scare myself. I am still lacking empathy, but I don’t feel angry.

 I just feel normal, whatever that is. I’ve never been normal because I’m not normal. I’m insane. But, I don’t feel like I normally do, which is not normal, but now I feel what normal people call feeling normal when I’m not a normal person. I just confused myself. I’m confusing myself a lot today.

I don’t make a fuss when they put my straitjacket back on or restrain me to the wall again. I don’t know why I’m not fighting. I usually curse and yell and fight, but I’m…not. I just don’t feel like it. I’m just sitting there and being obedient, which is totally new as well.

I’m not on any medication, so I know that isn’t the case.

I’m never a good girl. Now I am, which is totally weird. What in the hell is wrong with me?