Falling for a Psycho

Chapter Nineteen

Nineteen: Marilyn’s P.O.V

I kiss Donovan. I don’t know what came over me, but I’m kissing him. I catch him by surprise, and he kisses me back. I see the doctors who are standing outside the observation window writing something down, and I pull back. I look down at the floor, and Donovan looks at me.

I don’t know what made me kiss him. I’ve never kissed anyone before. Never. I’ve never wanted to. I can’t love, so what the hell was that about?

I do like Donovan, and I know he won’t hurt me. I know that he isn’t a threat, and I don’t feel as mean and forgotten around him.

Donovan looks down at me.

“I love you, Marilyn. I know you can’t return that feeling, but I love you. I love you. I really do,” Donovan tells me. He gently touches my cheek and kisses my forehead.

“I wish I could tell you I love you,” I say. “I really do. I wish I could tell people a lot of things. I wish I could regret killing my parents. I wish I could say that I miss them. I’m not going to sit here and lie to you. I don’t regret killing my parents. I take pride in it because it’s the way I am. I don’t miss them. I want to tell you that I love you, but I don’t. I can’t. I can’t have that feeling. I wish I felt something in that kiss. I wanted to, and I’m sure you felt something, but I feel absolutely nothing because I lack the ability to feel empathy and connect with people.”

Donovan nods, “I know, Marilyn. I understand. I won’t leave you because you can’t share that feeling. I love you, and I’ll be here for you.”

I move closer to him, and rest my head on his shoulder. I sigh, and Donovan puts his arm around me. I look at my bare, pale legs.

“I wish I had pants,” I sigh. I laugh a little, and Donovan laughs.

“I guess it’s a suicide hazard,” Donovan says, “because I’m totally going to hang myself with my pants.”

He laughs, and I laugh, and smile, looking down at the floor.

“You have a pretty smile, Marilyn,” Donovan says. For the first time in a while, I feel my cheeks redden.

I fall asleep leaning against Donovan. He has an arm around me, and my head is resting in his lap.

The next morning, I wake up, and Donovan is gone. He has classes to go to. I look at the doctors who are looking at me through the window.

I really do wish I could love Donovan. Now more than ever, I wish I could feel that feeling of love. Right now, the only feeling I have towards Donovan is extreme like. There’s no love. I wish there was. I want to feel love so badly.

These are the moments where I wish I wasn’t a psychopath. I wish I was a normal girl and I could fall in love with Donovan. I can’t. I have no ability to love.

I’ve never been shown love and I can’t show it. I could fake it, but that’s all it would be. It would just be faking love.

I will have to do it. I will have to be able to just fake that I’m in love with Donovan. I want it. I really want to be in love with Donovan but since I can’t, I’ll have to pretend, and fake it. He’s in love with me, and I’m faking being in love with him. I’m pretending.

I wait eagerly for Donovan’s return. I have a blood test done, and for once in a really long time, I don’t fight it. Usually, it takes the doctors more than five tries to get that needle in my vein because I’m fighting and yelling. Now, I’m not. I think Donovan is taming the wild side of me, and that’s a big side to handle.

Sometimes, I wish I had the ability to love. I really do want to love Donovan, and if I could, I would. I really want to do that.

 I want to love Donovan. But…I…I can’t.