overtime - ed

10

you know how i feel about like,
us & how i wanna go about it.
but you never tell me how you
want to... you know, go about it.

evelyn:

"hey."

this was the nineth time i had called ethan since jacob found out about our affair. it was difficult, so much more than i had expected. i breathe in loudly, not sure what to say. i had already told ethan how i felt but he left me wide open and alone.

i didn't know what to think- maybe he did take this only as a sexual thing. maybe, he purposely led me on to break up with jacob. i don't care what the circumstances are i just want to hear ethan's voice, and because i've stayed in the hilton hotel nearby, i've been rather alone lately.

i think i cried more in the past few days than i've cried in my entire life combined. this entire thing has torn every single one of my relationships apart. from my family finding out that i'm a 'whore' to jacob's family finding out that i cheated on him, to ethan who apparently had a girlfriend the entire time; oh, how coincidental.

when he doesn't answer the phone, i leave it on voicemail. i want him to know that i'm still here, and even if he isn't there for me- i want him to know how i feel. i chew on the thick pad of my thumb as i begin talking on the phone. it was a dead line but i could care less, this was the only 'person' i had to rant to.

"hey. i, i really don't know what to say. i mean, i thought this would work out and we could put this behind us- i thought you would be there for me, i thought my family would be there for me..."

i feel my eyes start to water and the back of my throat beginning to get dry. i wipe my eyes and continue talking into the phone. i cuddle up onto my queen sized bed and stare at the tv that was blaring cnn. the volume was off but i was intrigued, i was dazed.

"... you tricked me into thinking you loved me. you made me think we were meant for each other. but, no. i wasn't meant for you. i was meant for jacob- as much as i thought i wasn't- when i saw him crying on the stairs when i finally admitted to him that we were together; i knew. he actually cared for me, ethan. he didn't want me just for sex, you stupid bastard..."

"my family thinks i'm a whore, they don't care that i was misguided by a stupid rich guy. they don't listen to me when i tell them that i'm sorry- they only feel sorry for you. but they didn't hear what you said to me the day we met, you told me you could make me feel good- i would be treated better. and here i am. at a fucking hotel because your petty ass completely ditched me when i needed you most..."

"it's funny really, how easy you led me on. how stupid i was to believe you. you know, you were such a prick to fire jacob. he never did anything to you. because he dated me, you thought i was too good for him, so you made me worse. how ironic, the rich guy only cares about the poorer ones. he finds interest in the least popular people and tries to make them even worse. how stupid of me to believe you..."

i'm bawling now, my tears not being able to stop. i was a complete wreck, i glance at the six empty wine glasses that were on the night stand, the multiple boxes of takeout chinese i had ordered to the room, the three suitcases of all of my clothes. only a month ago, i had everything i wanted yet i didn't know it. and here i am now, looking ridiculous.

"you ruined my life, you- you changed my view on everything. you used your wealth, your looks, that's all you wanted to do. you never once opened up about anything like i did. you didn't tell me you really loved me like i told you i did. and now that i think about it, you were giving me hints all this time that i shouldn't have trusted you..."

i bite my fist to stop from screaming into the phone, i bury my head in the space of my knees. i let my tears spill to my feet and onto my robe- the one i wore when i first met ethan. and when i realize that- i rip it off. the waist bandage breaks and i cry even harder. i hear a voice on the other line and for a split second i think it's him, maybe just maybe.

maybe he's come to answer me, to apologize and tell me he loves me. to explain how important i am to him and how he messed up. but it's not him, it's only the sound of the tv volume that unexpectedly unmuted when my knee hit the remote control. how dumb am i? he took this away from me, he ruined everything good in my life.

"you know? when i made this call, i thought that you would answer and we would be able to talk this through. like adults, like the people i thought we both were. but with you not answering it kind of made it better. it helped me to understand how negligent you are. how little you care about other people, really- i thank you for that. thank you so much, ethan."

i breathe out and press replay, letting all of my words run back to me. my voice sounds pathetic, like i'm extremely ill. like my life is near an end. and maybe it is, maybe he was the last good thing to happen to me, maybe he was the farewell to society that i had hoped for. i was okay with it. i was okay with starting my life over again, or completely ending it.

i listen to it for the second time before deleting it. i don't give myself time to think, i just delete it and instead say an entirely new one. my voice is still sore and my eyes are still watery but i try to sound better- i try to sound like i'm not broken, because he can't know that i loved him.

"you know how i feel about like us, and how i want to go about it. but you never tell me how you want to go about. call me, when you get this message."

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what a good short story, eh? lmao i wrote this 3/13/16 and i am finally publishing it on 9/18/16 so lol at me :) anyway, that was the book for you guys- hope you enjoyed it as much as i liked writing it and sorry if you didn't like the ending but not all stories end well and i tried to make this realistic so lol. plus, usually when you're in an affair things go wrong so sorry if you wanted a perfect cinderella story, this most definitely was not one lmao.