A year together. To be completely honest, I thought Mau would of left by now. I have major trust issues. I thought he'll get fed up with them by now, but he stuck with me. A bigger problem is my insecurities, which causes quite a few screaming matches between us.
He tells me he understands my insecurities, but he really doesn't. Being marked and together doesn't erase four years of rejection.
Yes, he didn't outright reject me, and I know I was 14 when we discovered each other. But after I turned 16, we could of been together. Or we could of just been friends until the problem was solved.
But he opted for distancing himself, which hurt me more than what he thought was 'saving' me.
His choice made me hate myself. Made me think that I was worthless, that I wasn't good enough for him.
I was drowning...
Mau, my family, and the pack thought I was weak. That I couldn't handle anything they considered tough.
That blows my mind.... I guess the jokes on them. I'm a Guardian. I was never weak.
Well, okay that's a stretch. I did rely on alcohol, and I shut everyone out, even my family. So I wasn't completely strong, mentally speaking that is. Physically, I was/am strong.
Even with my issues, my relationship with my family is better. Not the best, but still better nonetheless.
We aren't close, I think that will never be fixed, but I am around them more. I don't shut them out. I just don't tell them my feelings.
I don't even tell Mau my feelings. I keep that to myself.
My relationship with Mau is rocky. I don't speak about my feelings and in return he doesn't speak about his. We also don't rely on each other.
That's not a healthy relationship, but it works for us to some extent. Well for me anyway.
I'm safe guarding my heart. I don't want to be hurt again by my mate. I couldn't live through another heartbreak.
I know I need to let go of the past. Its effecting my present and future. But four years don't just go away in a year. It will probably take another, 5 years, or even 10. Hell maybe never.
Hopefully letting go doesn't take that long. I want to move forward with Mau, but in order for that to happen I can't let the past get in the way.
That involves sharing our feelings, relying on one another, and among other things.
Maybe therapy will also help. Mau and I need help with our relationship. We need a push, we need a guide to help with the most effective ways to create a better relationship.
Our bond just isn't enough. We have too many problems. The pack therapist will be a huge help. Not only with just our relationship, but with me as well.
I'll make solo appointments to help me with my insecurities. Hopefully that will also be a big help with my relationship with Mau and my family.
Everything will work out. I'll strengthen my mating bond and be an actual good mate to Mau.
I have the rest of my life with Mau and my family. I'm 19 years old. There's still a chance to fix everything with them.
I know it won't be easy, but I'm determine to make everything right.
I'm very persistent.
