A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 3- Ribs

Dinner was better than anything else that happened today. Shane decided it would be best to include me in the conversation so I wouldn't think about eating, so I wouldn't feel sick to my stomach, and it helped a little until I noticed what he was doing. But then he’d grab my hand underneath the table or lean in and nuzzle my neck when no one was looking at us. Chelsea didn't look at me. Not even once. And I thought for a second that she shouldn't, because it was uncalled for, what she said. But then there was a part of me that knew deep down that that wasn't true. She was just smarter than anyone else here. Even me. And I fucking knew the truth, I was just avoiding it.

"So, Zander, do you like school?" I turned to Laura, who I had a new appreciation for, because her soup was unworldly. A light veggie flavor along with the chicken, which was also light. "Um...I don't like the concept...of school, but the courses are...great?" I came out as a question and I shuddered because I wasn't good at conversation. She took another bite of her dinner, and then asked me the next question. "So you said you had a step-sister?" I nodded. "Yeah. No, she's my half-sister." Shane squeezed my hand under the table and I looked at him. He was staring at Chelsea. Trying to figure out why she was so quiet. I'd never tell him. I didn't want him to worry too much about me.

I was too sensitive, and he knew that. He knew that I took things ten times harder than I was supposed to. And somehow he was okay with that. Chelsea looked up at me, then at Shane, before getting up from the table, mumbling about checking on the baby. I looked at Shane and he shrugged. "Who wants dessert?" Laura asked, getting up, going around the table, picking up plates. Shane helped her, picking things up and carrying them into the kitchen, when he came back he helped me up from my chair. "We're going to go to bed, Laura, thanks for dinner." She nodded. "You're welcome, love." After we'd made the trip to the guest bedroom, I sat on the bed, struggling to get my stupid sweats off of my leg. "What happened between you and Chelsea?" He asked me. I shrugged. "Nothing. Why?" He rolled his eyes. "Something happened. She was glaring at you." I frowned. "Was she?" Shane gave a frustrated groan and walked over to me, helping me take my pants off. "Yeah, she was. And she really doesn't glare unless there was drama. What did you say to her?" I narrowed my eyes. "Why do you suspect I said something to her?"

Shane shrugged. "She had no reason to upset you."

"And I had reason to upset her?" Shane got up from his kneeling position and started undressing. "You tend to say stupid shit when you're nervous." I didn't really want to argue with him. Especially when I already felt like shit. I just wanted Shane to hold me. That's all. None of this arguing stuff. I didn't want him to be mad at me, but I didn't know what else to say except sorry. "I'm sorry," I muttered. And that sounded a lot less pathetic in my head. "For what?" He asked, coming to bed with only a T-shirt and boxers on. "For starting something the first day we got here. I didn't mean to, I was just trying to be polite and talk to her because she talked to me, and then she said something about me making everyone sad and..." I trailed off as he frowned. "Did she say that?" I shook my head. "She said I make you sad." He shook his head. "That's not true." I didn't want to argue. Not tonight. Not ever. But he was wrong. I'd noticed. I'd be stupid not to notice that he was sadder than I remembered. "It is. I mean...I don't try to make you sad, and you don't show it, but it's true. I make you sad because I'm sad and you somehow give a shit about me."

"I give a shit about you because I love you, and surprisingly it's easy to do. Don't beat yourself up, okay? I love you; I tell you that every day, but it's not sticking. Why?" I shrugged, sinking further into my sadness. I just wished he'd agree with me. I was waiting for the day he didn't want to be with me anymore. At least I'd be prepared for that day. "It's hard to believe that when I'm me. I'm nothing special-" He sighed. "No, it's true!"

"No it's not, can we just sleep? This conversation is going nowhere, we've had it a million times, and you never see the truth, so I'm fucking done trying to show you." I bit my lip and looked at his back. He wasn't facing me, but I knew it was because he was pissed at me. And that made me feel like a monster. I crawled over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, planting a kiss on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I know I say that a lot, but I mean it. I’m an idiot sometimes. I just feel like you're going to leave me one day, and that comes from absolutely nowhere, but I'm scared. Because I love you."

He sighed. "I love you too, Zander. I just can't be expected to reassure you of something I tell you constantly. If I was going to leave you, you'd be alone right now." We sat there for a moment longer before he sighed and told me to lie down. I did as I was told and watched him turn off the light on the end table and slip underneath the covers, ignoring me completely. Even from behind him I could tell he was mad.

And that was hard to take.

***

I ended up waking way before Shane, and since he went to sleep mad at me, I didn't wake him up. I just struggled to put shorts and a different shirt on and hobbled downstairs. As soon as I reached the kitchen, my stomach growled. But I couldn't really eat anything. Yesterday was enough to last me a long time. I'd be fine. Hopefully my stomach wouldn't growl in front of people. Then I'd have to eat. And I couldn’t do that.

Laura was already in the kitchen, cooking, hunched over the stove with her brown hair up in a bun. She turned and gave me a warm smile, gesturing to the island. “Sit,” I did, and as soon as I was, Chelsea entered, taking one look at me and sighing, before rinsing the plate she held off in the sink and tuned to her mother. “When are they leaving?" Laura turned, hand on her hips. “They’ve been here for a day, don’t be so rude, Chelsea Ann.” She looked at me “Yes, but I wish he hadn’t come,” I looked down at my lap, biting my lip. What could I say to that? How to I respond to that? Do I look hurt, walk out of the room? Go back to Shane—who was also pissed at me—and cry about it? Did I try to forget, or smile politely at her and reassure her that I wasn’t a happiness-leech? I didn’t know what to do. So I made a face that probably looked like I was in pain and waited for the moment to pass.

“Why do you have such a problem with him?” Laura asked. “Yeah, why?” Shane was standing, shirtless with his boxers loose on his waist, his arms crossed. “Because! Why do you always have to fall for the ones that are bad for you?!” She shouted at Shane. He looked taken aback, and I winced at that. That hurt. A lot. “I mean, seriously? Do you always have to fall in love with the people who don’t care about you? He’s hurting you, and you may be too dumb to realize it, but I see it. He sees it, I know he does.” I looked up at Shane and shook my head. “I really shouldn’t have come,” I told him, getting up and hobbling out of the room, and back up the stairs.

I didn’t even stop when I heard him say my name as I passed him, the tears were already falling. He promised they’d like me. But she didn’t. And she never would. That was clear. She saw me for what I was. A good for nothing sad excuse for a person. I should have stayed home with Lizzie. No one would judge me then. I wouldn’t feel like shit. 

** This is totally named after a song because I don't know what to call this chapter. The song is freaking amazing, it's by Lorde omg I would love to hang with her, she seems really cool and mature and so ahead of everyone else in my dumb ass town ugh. Anyway, it's on the side, enjoy it.**