A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 23- The Bend Before The Break

The next week went by without fault. Of course we had petty arguments and I had counseling, but things were going good. Shane wasn't the one to get pissy easily, so I got away with talking back to him. The vitamins were messing with my hormones and that either made me super horny or super cranky.

He didn't like either side of me because when I was super horny all I wanted was rough sex, and he got tired after the second round. And the super cranky side liked to start arguments or even say stupid shit. I tried not to say stuff I knee would upset him, but today was completely different.

For some reason we were arguing. About the way I dealt with the fact that I couldn't keep 100% of my food down. Something that really didn't matter in my mind, but was huge in his. I always felt stupid when I puked anything up. He just couldn't wrap his head around the concept of me being sad about it.

"Well I'm just saying an over reaction is a fucking over reaction." I frowned. "So you're telling me I'm over reacting? You just fucking said I was weak!" He rolled his eyes and sat up on the bed. "No. I told you I thought it was stupid to act as if it were the end of the world. You fucking puked, big deal. It took hours to calm you down, and that's what I'm talking about. Not your actions in general. Just that."

"It was a big deal. I'm trying really hard to gain weight. You know that. I thought I could handle eating a salad. It upset me. You're not supposed to comment on it, you're just supposed to console me." He shook his head. "I don't understand." I nodded. "Yeah, you really don't." We sat in silence for a while, but he broke it. "Its just weird. How you cry over puking up a damned salad, but you completely disregard the fact that you've tried to kill yourself three times in under a year. Now that's something to cry about."

"Right. Just like you dealt with your mom raping you appropriately. You cried about that, didn't you?" I gasped and covered my mouth as soon as I realized what I'd said. Shane's eyes swelled with tears and I stood up. "Shit, I didn't mean that." He stood too, grabbing his jacket from the middle of the bed. He walked around the bed and stopped right in front of me. "Fuck you." He muttered coldly. Even with tears in his eyes, he could pull off looking angry. "No, I'm sorry...you were making me feel stupid, so I just said that, I didn't mean it, I wasn't thinking." My words were rushed. But they did nothing. Shane was still pissed at me. More than pissed. Hatred swam in his eyes. "Yeah, I know you weren't," he started walking past me, but I grabbed his arm. "Shane please, I'm an idiot. I just...I'm entitled to my own feelings aren't I? I could cry over anything I want."

He turned around. "That entitlement doesn't include being a complete cunt, Zander. There's a goddamned difference between saying shit you don't mean and saying shit you shouldn't. You should have never brought her up." I tried the think of something to say. To fix this. To turn it around on him, but there was nothing.

"I mean, shit. Do I bring up your dad? Your fucking childhood? No, so I'd fucking like some common fucking courtesy."  I was crying by now. "But it wasn't to hurt you-" he interrupted me. It didn't matter. I knew that. "But it fucking did! You take shit that should literally be nothing and turn it into something huge. You hurt people at your leisure. I mean fuck, you hurt me way too many times for this to be an accident." I stood there feeling like an idiot.

"I don't deserve the way you're treating me. I don't deserve to be taken advantage of...Zander that fucking hurts me. You never think about me. Only you. How this will affect you, how that will affect you, what about me!?" I couldn't answer him. We both knew I didn't have one, but I just needed him. His jaw was set. His eyes were narrowed. Any respect he had for me was gone. I was as good as the dirt underneath his shoes. I was nothing now. I had ruined it. In just one second.

"And to bring up my mom? Why? Why would you? I told you that because I trusted you. Because I thought you'd have the decency to hear about it and never speak of it. I never bring up your mom, do I?"

"Stop," I whimpered. I didn't want him to say something just as hurtful. Or more hurtful. I was the immature one. I was the stupid one. He shouldn't have to stoop to my level. "I didn't once bring up the fact that it was so fucking obvious that she didn't give a shit about you. Or how understandable it was. You're so goddamned frustrating. Someone tries to connect with you or have a heart to heart with you and you have a conniption. Well fuck, while we're saying hurtful shit I might as well throw in the fact that you are epitome of everything I hate. You're whiny, you're selfish, you're convinced there's nothing better to do then cut yourself and wish you were dead."

"Stop!" I screamed at him. I couldn't stop the break in my voice. "Stop it... please stop I get it-I get it." My knees were starting to feel weak. I could barely stop myself from collapsing. "Why? Do the things I'm telling you hurt you? Do you fucking hate me yet?" I shook my head. "No-no I-I love y-you, please stop, please, please..." he turned the knob on the door, he opened it. He was about the walk away from me, so I took a step forward. "Now you know how it feels. To love a person who constantly hurts you."

I couldn't imagine him feeling this way. I couldn't imagine him hating himself as much as I hated myself. Loving me as much as I loved him. No. It wasn't possible. "No...this feels worse! Why don't you just take a knife to my heart? It would hurt less than this." He shook his head. "I tried. I fucking tried to stay. To stay with you and pretend to be okay with it. But its not okay." He stopped talking. I was glad for a moment. "You're a fucking head fuck!" He shouted at me.

"Don't leave me," I begged, grabbing his shirt. He pushed me. "Fuck you, fuck you Zander." He said. Over and over. Crying. If it hurt him, why was he leaving me? I saw Max rushing up the stairs. "You need to leave, now." Shane turned to Max for a split second. "I'm leaving," he whispered. I tried to go after him as he left, but Max grabbed me. I had to watch. To scream after Shane. He couldn't leave me.

~ uploaded on christmas