A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 20- Car Radio

"How does this affect you in the long run?" I shrugged. "I don't know. Were you listening though? I got high. I smoked marijuana. That's a crime. I committed a fucking crime two days ago." He chuckled. "Yes, but how did disappointing your father and not being able to talk to your boyfriend affect you?" I didn't feel like talking about feelings today. I just wanted to see Shane. I saw him at school when I wasn't skipping class, which was practically never, but I wanted to have sex with him. Even if I wouldn't be able to feel anything. I just wanted to feel something.

"It felt like shit. I hate disappointing people." I said robotically. "Zander?" I looked up at my therapist. "I need you to try. How is this going to help you move forward with your life?" I shrugged. "It won't. But I don't care if it does. I felt something for the first time in a while and I liked it. I didn't think about consequences because to me it was right." He nodded. "But Zander. Its not right. You said so yourself. You committed a crime. It was illegal."

"Illegal, legal, same shit." I huffed. Its not like I didn't know. Because I did. But why did everything I did have to influence my future? Who's to say I even had a future? I could die at any given moment. The future was out of reach. "Let's talk about your mom." He suggested. I glared at the ceiling. "No. We don't bring her up. I don't have a mom."

"If we never bring her up, you will never get better." I shrugged, once again. "I guess I just won't get better." It was silence for a few minutes. "Zander. I'm here because you said you wanted to keep seeing a therapist after you were released. If you don't want to talk to me, you can leave. But you're wasting your own time."

"Maybe I want to waste my own time. Did you or anyone else even think this through? Of course I'm going to go back to my old ways because that's all I've ever fucking known. I know I'm a fuck up and I know I shouldn't have done this or that or anything that I've fucking done like skip class and smoke and puke and cut and starve myself but I do it anyway because it feels great. To feel something other than mental fuckery. And yeah maybe it feels a little good to have someone yell at me for shit like that because at least they care about me." All I could hear was a ringing in my ears. I couldn't believe I had told him all of that, but that didn't stop me from opening my mouth again.

"And one of the worst feeling in the world is loving someone but not being able to feel anything. When Shane touch's me all I feel is his skin. I don't feel the electricity like I used to. And I can't remember the last time we had sex. I mean, I know when it happened but I can't recall how we ended up doing it."

I looked over at him. He was nodding slowly. Taking it all in. "So you got high. You wanted to feel happy. So you used marijuana. To fill the void. I understand. But the absence of feeling and the absence of responsibility is bigger than a fuck up, Zander. Don't worry about how many times you've gotten into ridiculous situations. Worry about how to get out of the current one."

***

"You did what?" We were sitting in his car. I was ready to face whatever pissy attitude Shane pitched at me. I deserved it at least. "I smoked marijuana." I whispered. "No I fucking got what you said, I just can't believe how fucking stupid you are." I winced.

"Don't-"

"Don't what? Yell at you? Isn't that why you told me? You couldn't have possibly thought I'd be okay with that." I hadn't. I just felt guilty because since the day I'd been grounded I'd been sneaking out of the house to smoke with Luke. Its not like I didn't know it was wrong. I just felt that if someone knocked some sense into me, I'd stop doing it. so I stayed silent. I knew how badly he wanted me to try and answer his impossible questions.

"Say something or get out of my car." He said through clenched teeth. I looked up at him. Wishing to turn back the hands of time and stop myself from asking him to go somewhere private to talk. Stop myself from telling him. "I-"

"Better yet, don't say shit because every fucking word that comes out of your mouth will just make me want to kill something." I should stay quiet. Stare until he tells me to leave. Or we make up. But I couldn't exactly shut my big fucking mouth. "Does that mean you want me to leave because you practically don't want me to say anything, but you told me to get out if I don't say anything."

"I just want be around you right now." I nodded and started the unbuckle my seatbelt. "You driving me home at least?" He nodded. "Yeah," I wondered for a moment if it would be acceptable to at least kiss him. But the look on his face was enough to get me out of the car. I stood there, outside his car for a moment, fishing in my pocket for my cigarettes. Luke had a friend who bought them for him. I had the fortune of befriending a guy with great hookups. I lit it and started walking off, in the opposite direction of the school.

Oddly enough, the fact that Shane was pissed at me didn't exactly upset me. I deserved it. I'd always deserve it because the way I was living worked for me and I wasn't ever going to stop. Not without cause, at least. I took a big drag of the cigarette in my hand and sat in the green grass that would probably make my ass wet. But it didn't matter. Nothing did.

"This is my spot." A girl with cropped black hair said rudely, after coming the same way I had. She wore all black and she had what looked to be a blunt in hand. "This is a patch of grass," I said dully. "Right. So give it up." After a moment she realized I wasn't going to move and sat beside me. She lit whatever she was smoking and looked at me. "You're the guy who jumped off that bridge." I cringed. "So?" She shrugged. "It was total badassery. You fucking lived. That makes you a legend in my book."

"I'm a legend for attempting suicide? What the hell is society teaching kids these days?" I looked at the sky accusingly. "That the smartest people are the saddest people." I shook my head. "Nah, that's not true. I'm not that smart. I also don't think I'm that sad. Just self-destructive."

"So why are you here?" She asked. I shrugged. "Had a falling out with my boyfriend, I fucking hate this place," She nodded. "So you're gay." I looked over at her. "Yeah. I am."

"Thats a shame. Thought I could have a bit of fun with you." I shrugged. "Sorry. Was that a compliment?" She turned and smiled. "You're not one of those gays, are you?" I laughed. "One of those gays?" I questioned. "The ones that can't take a compliment from anyone without a dick." I shook my head. "No...I just...I'm not." She smiled. "I'm glad. Your cool status would have dropped significantly."

"My cool status?" I raised my eyebrows. She took another drag. I pointed to it. "What is it?" I asked, putting out my cigarette. "Want to try? Its special." I made a face but took it from her. "Its not cocaine, is it?" She shrugged. "If you tell your dealer to surprise you, they really surprise you." I nodded. "Who the dealer?" She frowned. "I don't think...I want to tell you." I shrugged. "Its just a question."

We finished off the rest of her mystery drug and I decided it was time to head back. I said bye to her, and as I was walking back to the parking lot, I heard her shout. "What's your name?" I turned. "Zander."

"Mines Leah," She yelled. I turned back around and braced myself for the rest of today.

~ i've been way too busy wow.

title: Car Radio by Twenty | One | Pilots a.k.a. one of my favs right now

anyway... um... idek i just hate life right now because im finally starting to be truely happy for the first time in a long time and then some of my friends a sad and i dont have advice for them and its making me sad because i want to make everyone happy but it just sucks to know you cant :/

its almost christmas break and that means a lot of posting on my part woo, i have the best idea for this story, so im glad asdfghjkl and there are A LOT OF PRESENTS FOR ME UNDER THE TREE IM SO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS IM JUST HOPING I DONT GET THINGS I DONT WANT BECAUSE IT SUCKS TO USE THE 'IFUCKINGHATETHISGIFTBUTIHAVETOPRETENDILIKEIT' FACE

and im buying an ugly sweater for our christmas party and then there another christmas party where its a pajama party and im wearing a onsie omg christmas is the best

bye