A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 17- Home

Two Weeks Later.

I stared out of the window of the car idly. Everything was beautiful. The buildings. The pavement. The people. Anything but the color of white. I hated the color white.

"We're almost home," I jumped and looked back at Max. He looked nervous. It was probably because to him, I was more like a time bomb now. I wasn't sane. I couldn't be trusted. "Oh," I whispered. I honestly forgot how to get around. It was the medicine they fed me like candy. To sedate me. I never wanted to see another needle. Or doctor. Ever.

I saw everything pass by in a blurry manner. "Is Lizzie going to be home?" Max nodded. "Yeah. She didn't want to come along on the long trip up to get you." I nodded. "Is it a long trip?" I asked him. It seemed short to me. An hour tops. "It takes three hours. And that's if there's no traffic."

"You've been quiet," he said after a while. "I got used to not talking, I guess." I mumbled. I didn't know what to talk about. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to look. I wanted to see life. It had been dead in that place. There was no laughter. No smiles. Just sadness and white. Everywhere. I wanted life.

"Shane'll be over after he gets off of work." I smiled a little. Shane. I missed him. We talked last week I think. It wasn't long. We were allowed phone calls, but because I was so busy with back to back counseling and eating meals, I could never get enough time. It took me forever to eat. To choke down the tasteless food. I missed Max's cooking that I rarely tasted and Shane's soup he made me whenever I couldn't take being hungry.

We'd arrived at the house. Max turned the car off and got out, closing the door. I jumped as it closed. It was louder than I remembered. He opened my door and I got out, hugging the bag of medicine I was prescribed to my chest. We walked to the porch where he opened the door. I stepped in and looked around. It was familiar and I instantly felt a little better. "You can go put your stuff in your room-"

"No!" I almost shouted, taking myself by surprise. Max looked startled before straightening out. "No. I don't...can't go up there." He nodded. "I'll take it up there." I nodded, handing him the bag. He nodded slowly before heading up the stairs to my room. How was I supposed to go in there? "I hope you don't wig out again. It would be such a pity to see you in that place once more." I jumped as Lizzie came up behind me.

"I guess." I muttered. The only thing I wanted to do was see Shane and maybe sleep. But sleeping brought nightmares. I hated nightmares almost as much as I hated myself. Max came back down the stairs. "You know, if you want you can stay in the guest bedroom. I could move your stuff in there tonight." I nodded. That sounded much better than suffering in there. I couldn't go back to the scene of the crime. I felt dirty for doing what I did. For the first time in history, I wasn't proud that I had almost done it or even angry I was still alive. I was just full of regret and self-hatred and a new appreciation for life.

"Are you hungry? Tired? Anything?" I shook my head. "No, I'm fine Max. Really." max looked at his watch. "Well I'm going to start dinner, so if you're hungry, tell me." I nodded and watched as he retreated into the kitchen. I then busied myself with looking out of the window to the right of the front door. I still remembered Shane's regular shift at work. He wicked from 9 in the morning until 4 in the afternoon. It was around 4:30-ish now. I couldn't wait to see him.

"He's not going to want to see you with your face pressed into the glass, Zander." I turned slowly. "Why are you so mean to me?" I asked. I didn't know what possessed me to do it now. She was usually okay. But this was uncalled for. "You almost killed yourself two doors down from me. You single handedly made my dad cry. Why are you even here? I know your family is fucked up, but you don't need to fuck mine up too. We were fine without you or your stupid mom and that dumb baby."

"He's my dad too-"

"And I suppose that means you get to hurt him." I stayed quiet. I didn't know how to respond to that. I never wanted to hurt anybody. That was never my intention. I didn't even want to hurt myself. I was just trying to live. But it was difficult. With all of the pain I was feeling. "Your boyfriends here." She sighed, walking away, up the stairs. Did I hurt Shane in the same way? Did he hate me for what I did? I turned and opened the door.

His hair was perfectly in order. He had a huge smile on his face and tears in his eyes. He looked happy to see me. And I was happy to see him. But my heart rate didn't pick up like it should have. My eyes didn't tear up like they wanted to do. He was just beautiful and mine, and I was seeing him for the first time in weeks.

As his foot hit the first step, I went out to meet him half way, throwing cautious arms around Shane's neck. His hands, always so much bigger when they were on my skin, slid across my back slowly. I didn't move, didn't speak until his arms enclosed me in the tightest hug I'd ever received from anyone. I could feel his strong arms, but there was no spark. Maybe I was too burnt out. I could barely think straight.

"Zander. Fuck I missed you," He whispered, pulling away staring at me. His eyes were full with love and wonder. I just wanted to stay like this. Where I was the good guy for once and I wasn't hurting anybody. "Shane," Was all I could get out. His lips spread into a smile that could break my heart as he leaned forward to kiss me.

There was no electricity and it felt wrong. I pulled away quickly but covered it with a hug he took gladly. "We should go inside, it's cold out here." I didn't feel cold. I just felt confused and frustrated and loved. At the same time. He took me inside where it had started to smell like food. My stomach growled, but I tried to ignore it the best I could.

"I want you to come home with me. It's been far too long." I nodded. I didn't want to stay here. Lizzie turned into a hateful bitch again and Max was becoming over-bearing. I felt smothered but at the same time I felt lonely. The feeling hadn't left me yet.

***

While in Shane's car, I dozed off a little. His presence just made everything better. He made me feel safe somehow. His hand in mine while the other was on the steering wheel. The smile on his face. For some wild reason, I put that smile there. I made him happy. That made me happy.

I fell in and out of sleep, trying to stay conscious so the nightmare wouldn't start. It was the same every time. A result of what I'd done, or that's what the therapist said anyway. Post traumatic stress. It kept running through my head. The dark. It wasn't physical darkness, but mental. In the corner of my mind. A place I didn't dare venture to. When would I feel normal? When would all of the pain stop?

"Zander?" I opened my eyes and looked at him. "We're here." I looked out of the window. We were parked in from of his apartment building. I 'd missed this place more than I missed Max's house. It held so much more happiness. It was comforting. Unlike that room I refused to enter. I stepped out of the car, walking with Shane up the stairs to his apartment.

"Jay is still staying with me, so don't be shocked." He said as he unlocked the door and opened it. I stepped in, pleased with the familiar scent. It smelled just as Shane did. I watched him shrug out if the jacket he was wearing. He took my hand afterwards. "Max said I should-' He pointed to my stomach. The tube was tiny and hidden underneath my shirt. I didn't know what to call shooting the strange liquid into my stomach through the tube was called either.

I nodded. "It's gross though," I muttered, noticing that he was carrying a bag full of that awful crap they fed me. "Not as gross as a corpse,"

~ so... another chapter. yay.

I have a fucking project due in history on Friday and I have a partner and she's great I guess but when it comes to school work she's a complete fucktard and I have to construct a gameboard and CREATE 50 TRIVIA QUESTIONS ON NOTECARDS ABD I HAVE TO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS BECAUSE IF I DON'T KNOW THEM I GET A POINT DEDUCTED EVERY FUCKING TIME I GET AN ANSWER WRONG AND THERE ARE ONLY 100 POINTS AND 50 FUCKING NOTE CARDS I'M ACTUALKY GONNA CRY I'M SO STRESSED OUT HLEP