A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 12- I'm Posting This On Thanksgiving

There was school tomorrow. I was over this school bullshit. It was the least of my worries. I had to go to court in two days. I wanted to call it off. But it wasn't my decision. It was Max's. And he still wanted full custody of my unborn sibling. I had to testify. I don't know why they'd let her keep the kid anyway.

It seemed like a lifetime ago. When I had thought so highly of my mother. I love her. I just can't stop thinking about the way she watched as he'd hit me. And when thought back to those times as a kid how I'd begged her to leave him, I felt sick to my stomach. And the whole while she was telling me she couldn't, she knew she didn't want to. She watched. Every time. Maybe she even smiled sometimes because his fists weren't leaving bruises on her skin for once.

How does someone get so fucking in the head? How did he get her to be so subordinate? My understandings are that he was a huge dick to her. It must have been money. Something to make her stay.

"Hey, you okay?" I sat up and looked at Lizzie. She definetly didn't look like a drug dealer. She looked like a train wreck, but not a drug dealer. "Liz... I met a girl at group yesterday." She scoffed. "What, you think you're straight now?" I shook my head. "Definately not, but she said she knew knew you. Her names Hanna." She furrowed her eye brows. "I'm sorry, who?" She didn't seem to be faking it, but how could you forget who you sell drugs too? "You deal drugs to her." I stated. Her eyes widened.

"Who told you I sell drugs?" I rolled my eyes. "Hannah," she shook her head. "I have a lot of customers, Zander. You can't expect me to remember one little crack-head." She leaned against the wall. "You can't tell dad. He'll send me back to my mom's." I threw my hands up. "Maybe you should go back to your mom's. That's the shit that lands you in jail. Or worse, you could die."

"Thats not the worst, and I'm just a middle-man. I don't produce anything. They just give me an amount to sell over a week and I take my cut."

"Your dads rich, you could ask him for extra cash." I countered. "He wouldn't buy me cigarettes, pills, and condoms, now would he?" I frowned. "Maybe if you weren't such a sleaze you wouldn't need those things." She looked hurt for a second. "You smoke, and don't you dare make me bring up the sleeping pills."

"I quit smoking." I reminded her. "I really don't want to have this conversation." I shrugged and laid back down. "Yes I'm okay, now get out." I muttered. As soon as the door shut, I let out a heavy sigh. I needed to do something other than sit here thinking. Shane was with Jay doing whatever the hell friends do together, and while I didn't yet trust Jay, I was happy for him. But that only left me lonely.

Luke gave me his number yesterday, and I was thinking of calling him. We could hang out, I guess. I could stand him for an hour, so I'm pretty confident a couple hour wouldn't hurt anyone. I got up and went downstairs to the phone in the kitchen, where I'd put his number on the counter. I dailed his number and waited for him to pick up. "Hello?" For some reason I felt nervous. "Hey, its Zander,"

"Oh hey! Whats up?" Lizzie appeared in the entrance of the kitchen, smoking a cigarette. Probably to taunt me. "Do you want to hang out today?" I asked. "Sure. I was just about to go shopping. Fuck, that sounds so gay." I laughed. "Okay, when are you going?" There was a short pause. "In about an hour. I'll pick you up." I gave him the address and we hung up.

"Where are you going?" Lizzie asked, picking at the grapes she left out earlier. It sort of reminded me of how hungry I was. But then I though about the pain in my stomach and I went right back to not caring. "Shopping," I muttered. Her eyebrows raised. "You? Shopping? You won't fit anything."

"Thanks for the confidence boost. I'll know who to go to next time I'm feeling insecure." She rolled her eyes. "Well, you'll need money. No offence, but you kind of really need a makeover. Your clothes are too damn baggy." I shrugged. "They do that," I mumbled, more to myself than to her. "Take one of dad's cards." She reached over for her purse and fished out a credit card. "Its pre-paid so don't worry about going overboard. Dad doesn't exactly trust me." I looked at the card for a moment before taking it slowly.

"Why are you being nice to me?" I asked. She shrugged. "I was considering homicide but then I thought about it. You're not a nark and I could totally blackmail you into keeping my secret because I have so much dirt on you." I narrowed my eyes. " like what?" She shrugged. "You told dad you threw out your razors. They're in your closet."

"Okay, fine. So what?" She just smirked. "Its easy. Don't speak of this to anyone and you can cut all you want."

"I'm not-"

"Don't care," She left the room just as suddenly as she came.

***

"Do you think I should get black or red? I wear a lot of black...maybe the red?" Luke turned to me and I shrugged. "Um...get the one you like most." He sighed and smiled lightly. "You remind me of my ex boyfriend." I winced playfully. "He didn't really like shopping. Or anything, really. How about we buy stuff for you?" I shook my head. "No. Absolutely not." He rolled his eyes and put the red shirt back om the rack. They were both plain tanktops. I don't know why he'd even want one of them in the first place.

"I think we should. Also a hair cut? Your hair is really long. Any longer and it will start to look feminine. You have to keep it cute, Z." I hated the nickname but I had to admit it was growing on me. "Its not that long."

"And I love the band merchandise, but maybe you should own normal clothes. Fitted clothes." I shook my head slowly, thinking about it. I didn't understand everybody's need to tell me to changd my hair and wardrobe. I had never cared before then. But now they are saying it, I feel like I should believe them. I was just afraid to wear things that were any tighter than t-shirts. Anything showing skin made me uncomfortable. With the ugly fading scars everywhere. How the fuck could Shane stand to look at me? Touch me?

"Fine. But don't go over board." He grinned widely. "I promise I won't." He paid for his shirt and together we went to search for a place I actually felt comfortable looking for clothes in. I didn't feel comfortable in any place, so we went to get my hair cut, Luke grumbling. I guess he really wanted to help me out but I just couldn't. Not when so many other guys would look so much better in the clothes I'd buy.

"So you want it cut? Short?" The stylist said, her fingers inspecting my hair. "No...just shorter. Like an inch." I muttered. In the mirror I saw Luke shake his head. "Better take off two. He doesn't know what he's talking about. If he had the ability to grow a beard, he'd look like jesus." I sighed and sat back. It had been a long time since I got my hair cut. I guess it did feel a little good to be doing things for myself.

Luke talked and talked and talked. He could go on forever. I wasn't paying any attention, I only saw his mouth moving. After the hair cut, I looked in the mirror. It actually made a huge diffrence. I could see my eyes and half of my face wasn't hidden anymore. "Thats much better. Who knew you were so attractive?" I blushed and stood up. I could tell that today was going to be long.

~ its thanksgiving!

I'm thankfull for so many things like my friends, my family, books, bands.

who wants to hear a story?

last year wasn't a very good one. my family doesn't have a lot of money, and we sort of came up short on thankgiving. like, we had a turkey and stuffing, but not much after that. and we get a knock on the door, and its my best friends grandma. she said that god told her we needed help, and her whole family brought in food for us. it was so beautiful, my mom cried and she cried and idek. i don't believe on god and i'm not spiritual, but that made me have hope in humanity. i just know that there is a higher power, because how could she have known otherwise?

this year is better though, and i'm thankfull for that along with my best friend and her family and the people out there that reach out to others, even if they gain nothing from helping them out. no one really knows how much it helps. even a small turkey on thankgiving can make the biggest diffrence. so be thankfull for what you have. don't take things for granted. i know i don't.

happy thanksgiving!