A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 18- Bleed

I woke up panicked. The only thing I could here was the sound of my heart pounding. I looked to my right to see Shane passed out, laying in his chest. I didn't want to wake him, so I slid out of bed slowly. The ground was cold against my feet as I stood, looking for a shirt to put on. I didn't remember taking my shirt off. Or having sex. But the sense of sorness was there along with the blissful haze in my mind.

Looking back at Shane a smile touched my lips. It was a little upsetting that I couldn't remember the moments before we slept, but the thought was nice. The thought that he held me. Touched me. I hadn't had the nightmare. It was different this time. I couldn't remember that either, but I knew I was terrified.Of something.

I walked out unto the hall and out to his kitchen, sneaking past Jay, fast asleep on the couch. Shane had taken the time to set my medicine bottles out for me. I went to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. After taking my pills, I took another drink of water.

"You're up early," I jumped and turned. Shane was standing, leaning against the wall with his arms across his bare chest. "I guess." I muttered. He pushed himself off of the wall and walked towards me, until my back hit the counter. "Last night was great." I smiled. I didn't remember shit, but if he thought it was great, I didn't fuck up which made me glad.

He wrapped an arm around my waist and sighed. "I've got to take you home today. You have counseling and appointments and Max wants you to attend school. Every day." I frowned. I had missed a lot of school. A month and a couple days along with before my huge fuck up, I skipped religiously.

"I just want to stay here, with you. Forever," Shane laughed softly and kissed me. I felt nothing and that made me sad, but just the notion of him kissing me made everything better. I didn't have to feel electricity. It just made me feel as if I wasn't robbing him.

***

"Family, friends, love. That's important to you, right?" The counselor was young. He has huge horn rimmed glasses and quiffed hair. "Yeah...I guess. I mean, my family is shit and I don't have friends but...love." He nodded. "Why is love so important to you?" I shrugged. "It feels good to know you're loved. It feels good to say you love someone."

"You have a girlfriend?" I shook my head. "I'm gay," his eyebrows raised. "Boyfriend then." I nodded. "Tell me how you met him."

"School. We met at school and...we started talking." He looked deep in thought. "And you two are in love. You say it to each other, or he says it to you, more importantly." I frowned. "What's this got to do with anything?"

"Let's say you two started talking after meeting at school. You liked him way more than he liked you. You hook up and then suddenly he doesn't call you. How would you feel?" I thought for a moment. "Does hooking up include sex?" He shrugged. "I'd feel dirty and used."

"How does he make you feel now?" I shrugged, trying to hide a slight blush. "Happier. Better. Normal." He leaned forward in his chair. "Normal? That's an odd word. How does he make you feel normal?" I sighed. It would be hard explaining.

"Well...he just...I'm insecure. About my body. That's cliched, and believe me, I'm the epitome of cliche, but hear me out." He was silent. Waiting. "I haven't been very good to my body. I've starved it, cut it, burned it, thrown it off of very high things...I'm not in good shape. I should be dead. And...the first time he saw me without a shirt on was embarrassing. Because there are scars and bones and...I'm a fucking walking skeleton. It's fucking disgusting, I hate myself for making me this way, but he made me keep the lights on. He made it seem easy. To love something ugly."

"You think you're ugly?" I shook my head. "well...no. Not exactly. I think I'm quite unattractive, but ugly...my body deserves the name." The man chuckled. "The accent...Great Britain. It's really faint." I nodded. "Oh yeah, I lived in London from ages 6 to 17. I moved earlier this year. All the way around the fucking globe." He smiled. "See, now that's cool. I visited once or twice. Very gorgeous place. The double decker busses are iconic, right?" 

"I rarely went into the city. We lived on the country side. Far from the city. Where we could see the stars in the sky " I muttered. "So you enjoyed that. You enjoyed life in London. Would you say you were even happy?" I shook my head. "No. I was...content. After my mom and I moved out of my aunts house, we bought our own house in the hills where I had this window. It opened up and there was this tiny cube of flooring surrounded by this cheap fencing. I could climb out the window and hop that fence and I was in the roof. I'd look down and I'd think about what would happen if I'd jump. I would either die or end up in a coma. Then I'd look up at the stars. I could die up there too. My roof was the safest place to be of the three. It was a haven. I'd go there whenever I was upset. I miss it."

"So you felt safe. And you miss the feeling of safety?" I nodded. "Yeah. There's nowhere to hide here. Its big and open." He looked at me intensely. "You want to hide? From what?" I shrugged. "People that hurt me."

"And who's that?" I shrugged. "Look, it's really dumb because obviously no one I know even wants to hurt me. They've all either been thrown in prison or got left behind in London. It just feels good to escape." It was quiet for a moment. "Does Shane make you feel safe?" I nodded. "Yeah."

"Our time is up, it seems like." I looked at the clock. Time had past quicker than I thought it would. It actually felt good to finally to someone who didn't think I was a complete nutcase. "I want you to think safety first. Only do things that make you feel safe, stay in your comfort zone. Next time we'll go into more depth about how to get on track to healing." I stood and left his office.

Outside the clinic, Max's car was parked in the same place it had been before. I didn't want to go home, but what other choice did I have?

~ okay so this is so short it doesn't even deserve an update but I had major writers block sorry.

this is a filler basically so sorry if it sucks I've VerY busy with school I PASSED MY GEOMETRY TEST BTW I GOT A B- WHICH IS SHITTY AS FUCK BUT AT LEAST I PASSED RIGHT?

oh and I named this chapter after one of my all time fav songs, Bleed by Hot Chelle Rae. everyone knows them as the guys who sang tonight, tonight (fucking hate that pop-y shit ugh) but Bleed got on the radio once or twice in 2010 I think and it was the most perf song ever by them it means to world to me and Idek why and I was listening to it while writing this chapter and it's literally one of songs that is acoustic and has great vocals and deep meaning, but it's cliched as hell but it's wow.

Anyway, back to stressing.