Roman, I Love You

The Aftermath

I didn't want to leave it on that note for long... -Lyse xoxo

20

Waking up felt like the worst possible thing to have ever happened. My body was weak and the only thing I could think was that I did not want to see anyone ever again. I did not want to face anyone after having failed this one thing that should have been so easy. Overwhelmingly, I felt embarrassment.

My eyes cracked open, it was too bright. There were tubes connected to me and my head was splitting. I could feel the pressure on my hand and I knew who it was before I even looked over at Roman. His face lit up as he seen that I was awake. He scooted forward in his chair and the look of pure relief and joy made me sick. I did not want him to look so happy that I was alive, because I did not want to think about how unhappy he would be if I had actually ended up dead.

I could not think of anything except that even though I was devastated to be alive, I was so happy to see him. This manifested in tears. I just started sobbing. I was upset about so much at one time. I was upset I was alive, I was upset that I wanted to be dead, I was upset that I had hurt Roman. He leaned forward and folded his arms around me. He kept whispering to me, telling me it was okay. It was not okay, nothing was ever okay. Against my better judgement, I gripped him and kept my face buried in his chest.

All I could smell was him and it angered me, that he was not enough to make me want to live. I wished he could be, I wished I could get my shit together long enough to not want to die. Why could I not do anything right? I could not even kill myself properly, for God's sake. All I could tell him was that I was so so sorry. My already tired body eventually gave out once more and I soon quieted into sleep once more with Roman holding me.

When I woke up again, I was lying against Roman's chest, and he was breathing softly as he slept. He had my hand in his, carefully positioned around the IV in it, and his other arm around my body. It was probably numb by now. As I looked around the room, there was not much to focus on. For the most part, it was pretty bare and I quickly realized it was because I was on suicide watch. More punishment for failing.

I think his body was tuned to be aware of mine, because he stirred soon after I came to. He looked down at me and I hated seeing him believe that I might just slip through his fingers at any moment. I hated it because he was right. Nothing about me was permanent. I had been living my life with one foot in this world and the other in the next for a long time now. I had never truly been alive, not really.

"How bad was it?" I asked him, watching him flinch.

"They had to pump your stomach and you're lucky you missed your main artery on your first cut and the other was not nearly as deep. You've got stitches on your right arm and the other is just bandaged. You slept for nearly twenty hours and you're on watch. You're going to have a psych evaluation before you can leave. You will most likely be told that you need to go to therapy and medication is option, they highly recommend it."

Hearing everything was like blow after blow. We stayed in complete silence for a long time as I took everything in. It was just my luck that the one thing that would serve to make my life infinitely more simple, dying, would actually serve to complicate it further. I turned my face into his chest and he gently stroked my hair. I felt like a mess, because I was mess.

"I was on my way to surprise you when you called. You could have been dead in the difference of time it would have taken me to get to you. Passed out and bleeding out in the bathtub. That's the state you were in when I got there. I-I could barely even feel your pulse Scarlett." His voice was wavering with pain. "The entire drive all I could think about was a life without you in it and I couldn't picture it. I couldn't do it Scarlett. You wanna know why?" He lifted my chin to look at him and I knew what was coming.