Evolution

October 2014

Food

Ever since I was little(er)

Food has been my favorite thing.

It was my passion.

As far as I was concerned,

Food was my true love.

After dinner

Every night

My family would be done eating and start cleaning up

And they'd turn

And here's little me-

Half an hour later-

I would be eating thirds and fourths

My mother would have to wait for me

To finish eating

So she could put dinner away.

And I

Would eat

Everything.

I ate spicy foods,

Sweet foods,

Foods with weird textures,

And Chinese food

And sushi

Squid

Octopus

Fish eggs

Cow tongue

Alligator

And meat cooked bloody rare

I didn't care

What the heck it was

As long as it was edible.

I was a garbage disposal.

I was a bottomless pit with no off switch.

I ate anything and everything.

During dinner,

The only words I would ever say

During family conversations were,

"This is delicious,"

Or,

"I'm in love."

I'm not saying I know what love is.

I don't believe in love.

At least, not like that.

But now

When someone says the word love,

I think of him.

I think of the boy

Who I can't go a single day without talking to

Or I lose my marbles.

I think of the boy

Who isn't afraid to hold my hand

Even if the whole world is watching.

I think of the boy

Who knows all of my secrets,

And knows how to make me smile.

I think of the boy who has surely taken the space of a best friend.

I don't know what love is,

I've never been in love.

My mother tells me

That I'm too young to know.

Maybe I am.

But when I think of love,

I think of him.

I think of the way

His eyes light up

When he talks about something he loves,

Or that goofy smile he puts on his face

When he sees me after school

I think of

His boyish walk,

And the way he drags his feet

When we walk down the isles

Of the grocery store.

I think of the way

He holds the straps of his backpack under his arms

And holds his chin high

Even when he's alone.

I believed my mother

When she told me

That I'm too young

To be in love,

Or to know what love is.

I am young.

I haven't lived yet.

I'm still fresh,

I have no history.

But I wonder sometimes,

What is this feeling then?

Feeling like I could laugh and cry

When I see his face

Feeling like

Disneyland's motto

No longer applies to me

Because the happiest place on earth

Is in his arms.

Feeling depressed

When I can't talk to him.

Feeling like

Whenever I talk to him,

I'm higher than the clouds.

Feeling

An ache in my heart

Like a knife stabbing me,

Like I'm caving in on myself

From emptiness

Every time my heart beats

When I miss him.

I don't know what this is.

These feelings.

I believe my mother.

I know I'm young

And naive,

But what else could these feelings be?

A couple of nights ago,

When my mother called me downstairs

For dinner

We started eating as a family.

Don't get me wrong,

The food was absolutely delicious.

But that night,

When I said,

"I'm in love,"

To my family

At the dinner table,

This time,

I wasn't talking

About the food.