Evolution

July 20 2015

I think I'm actually done with Andy. It's crazy. I never thought he let this happen. He promised forever. It lasted a little less than a year. I sent him a text a really long text but basically said I'm done, if you want to text me, fix the future. If not, I hope that other girl is beautiful. Basically. For days he was ignoring me and making me believe there were someone else. I got tired of waiting and calling for hours and days. So I sent it. He replied OK. Apparently he showed up at the house the next day. I was asleep, and that was yesterday. I shut him down in the text. I don't know what to think. I wonder if he would try to come over again. It'll suck if he does. I will most likely be in Arizona. I guess I know now that I was so unhappy in the relationship because he didn't treat me right. And I didn't stand for anything, so I fell for everything. I constantly remember the letter he gave me and made me with that. Even when he did it, I know it was to just get rid of the evidence. I'll never forget the nasty words he wrote. It occurred to me that if he really loved me, he wouldn't have given up on me. He never would have given that to me. He didn't follow me when I ran away crying. I should've taken as a sign, but I still forgave him. It hurts so much though. I look at the scores on my ankles every day. I read "I hate" and "never" all the time. It reminds me of the mistakes I made. Letting him in. Openness equals vulnerability. I gave him my heart, but he didn't want it. So he broke it. I'll never make this mistake again to open again. It hurts so much. And the worst part is I like the scars. I want more. I want to feel more pain. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.