Stay

Chapter Two.

The crisp air hits me as I breath it in, filling my lungs as I gulp it down. Every now and then my breath hitches in my throat causing a chesty cough to escape. Clasping my stomach, I wait for a few seconds to catch my breath. The wind pushing my golden hair into my face, it hits against my cheeks but after today, I can't be bothered to brush it away.

Slowly, my heart rate goes back to normal and I can no longer feel every heart beat against my chest. My palms start to dry, and my head stops spinning. The trees rustling with the wind in the background relaxes and calms my mind and one by one all my muscles start to ease leaving them sore and aching.

Pulling some old headphones out of my school bag, I connect them to my phone before shuffling my autumn Spotify playlist. Letting the music take me to another world, I start the short walk home. The country lane is quiet like usual, a few kids zoom past on their bikes and scooters laughing at each other, laughing with their friends.

Having an anxiety disorder makes simple things like being social twice as hard. Just having the guts to say hello to a new person is enough to send my whole body into panic. I begin to stutter, become unable to form full sentences and have an extreme loss of breath. After any social event like school, family meals and even things like going to the cinema leaves me exhausted. So, I try my best to avoid new people as much as possible. My way of avoiding potential embarrassment.

Just as I approach the house, the first drop of rain hits my shoulder and the clouds turn from a crystal white to a gloomy grey, rolling over the skies like huge waves in an ocean.

Walking through the door, I'm greeted by my dad spread out on the sofa, glasses on and reading the Daily mail. My mum peeling some potatoes in the kitchen and muttering under her breath. I just shout a simple 'hello' to let them know I'm home before dropping my school bag on the dining table, taking out my book and rushing upstairs.

At the end of the small corridor sits my room. Painted in purple and white with a single bed sat in the right corner of my room covered in a fluffy blanket and pillows followed by my lavender scented candle that calms me when I feel most anxious at night when my brain decides to wake up. I curl up on my bed and open my book onto the current chapter letting the words devour me. Escaping reality and jumping into a world made of Faeries and dragons, where real-life problems are made to seem small and meaningless compared to the safety of a kingdom is my favorite thing to do.

My bright room, mostly lit by sunlight, gradually gets darker as night rolls in and my pink fairy lights start to glow around my bed frame.

"Dinner!" Mum shouts and I make my way down the wooden stairs. My dad, dressed in jogging bottoms and a loose jumper sits in the chair by the back door while my older sister, Shay sits opposite him. Still dressed in her suit she wore for her interview today. Everyone's proud of Shay. She got the top marks in school, had loads of friends, a loving boyfriend and she would never let anyone walk over her. She's everything I'm supposed to be.

I perch on the chair next to my dad and my mum takes up the remaining seat after placing a platter of crackers and cheese along with a huge bowl of cottage pie. We waste no time in tucking in and soon everyone's plate is filled with mums amazing cooking.

"How was the interview today, Shay?" Dad asks. His voice muffled by the food.

"Great, actually. They said that I could apply for the assistant manager job if I wanted." Shay is great with animals and today she applied to work at a dog's home. Only being nine-teen years old we all thought that they wouldn't accept her as manager, so we encouraged her to aim for the customer assistant role but that news just proved us all wrong. Shay must have wooed them over with her confident body language and incredible knowledge of animals. Once again, all the things I don't have.

"That's amazing! Well done honey!" My parents say together.

"And what about your day? Meet any friends yet, Mads?" Shay questions glaring over at me, she already knows the answer but just loves the idea of me being the disappointment of the family. I just shake my head in response.

"You're awfully quiet. Did that girl bother you today?" Asks my dad, now sitting up straight, his eyebrows furrowed. But I shake my head again. She didn't go near me much today, I should be grateful but who's to say that tomorrow will be just as Layla free. For every easy day there is always a painful one just around the corner.

"I'm just tired." I answer. Lies. All lies because I can't stand the pity that comes with the truth. I get bullied and I'm not proud of it. I wish I could stand up for myself like most people, but the words never seem to come out, I just let it happen and so does everyone else.

The table goes quiet and I can't help but envy Shay, the way her smooth brown hair sits on her shoulder, dead straight but natural. Her hair is completely different to mine. I dyed my hair a golden blonde and it has a natural wave. No matter how much I straighten my hair that wave never goes.

After dinner, I decide to have a shower, turning the water on I make sure it's nice and warm before hopping in. The scolding water burns my naked back at first but soon the burn goes away and it's just the right temperature. Often in the shower my mind runs wild. Mainly thinking of my day and raising questions like 'Why does everyone hate me?' or more specifically 'Why does Layla hate me?'.

I guess I will never truly know what she has against me. I will never know why she feels the need to take her anger out on me every day. Claiming that I agitate her and that her life would be so much simpler if I were to just drop dead. I could ask, but it only takes one look in her direction before she snaps.

Continuing to ponder, I finish washing and dry myself off. Getting into some comfy PJs, I curl up underneath my duvet and try to forget about the panic attack that ruined my already bad day.