Love, Out of Nothing At All

Just Don't Look

I looked around the room as I sat at the large, round table with Veronica, John, John’s best man Nigel, his wife, John’s parents and Veronica’s parents. On my right was Veronica, and on my left was Nigel. It had arrived: the eve of the wedding. It was 7:00 and guests were still arriving. There would be seventy-five present tonight for the rehearsal dinner. Myself, Veronica, John, Nigel and His wife; along with a few others, including the priest had just arrived at the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner. Rehearsal through the order of entry had gone well. The priest familiarized all of us with Carmelite church, though John and Veronica already knew it well. It was a Parish of Our Lady of Mount Carmel located right here in Kensington. I had no idea what that meant. In fact, we had rehearsed everythin’: our entrances, our exits, our places on the alter, our places in front of the alter, and meeting with the musicians to discuss sound and when each hymn would begin for the big day. The one thing everyone had forgotten to rehearse with me was how to be Catholic; or at least how pretend that I was. It wasn’t that I was an unreligious heathen. It was just the fact that I had not grown up in a Catholic Church, nonetheless a conservative one. It seemed there were at least a hundred rituals to go through the next day and I didn’t know any of them. Forget turning water into wine, my mother believed any sin, any conviction, could be remedied with wine. Wine was religion enough for her.

 I missed my mum in all this. I missed talkin’ to her. I missed sharing things with her, like how excited and full of life Veronica was; not to mention her pregnancy. I missed havin’ Veronica take polaroids of me in my gorgeous Yves Saint Laurent and mailin’ them to mum and dad. Mum would have loved the dress and her face would have lit up when she saw the flowers Veronica had chosen: very simply white tulips. All the little things that daughters shared with their mothers when weddings came around…I missed that. Now, I wasn’t one to get caught up in wedding bullshit…but this was Veronica. My other half. The joy of sharin’ Veronica’s moments with my mum had been muddled because I told mum not to fill my head with any thoughts except my own…for obvious reasons. And so, I hadn’t talked to my mum in nearly four weeks now. That was unusual for me as I talked to her at least three times a week. There was another mum I missed as well. I had spoken with her four times on the phone. She didn’t believe wine as the cure all. Her remedy for sins and convictions, was tough as nails love…and maybe, juuuuust maybe…a shot a’ scotch.

 “You’re really good to Veronica.” Nigel told me as we adjusted our chairs under the table. I smiled.

 “She’s…she’s my best friend. I just want to make this very special for her and I hope it’s been exactly that up to this point.” I explained.

 “I’ve been with my wife for five years now and I have to say as I much as I love her? We are no John and Veronica. I’ve known John for a long time and I’ve never known anyone to love another woman the way John loves her.” Nigel said. I smiled at him again.

 "That’s very sweet Nigel. Yes. When I first met these two, my first impression was…” I shook my head. “It was how very comfortable they were with one another.” I said.

 “How did you meet them?” Nigel asked me. My smiled faded and I turned my head away from him. I stared at the white linen tablecloth before quickly looking back at him.

 “I don’t mean to be rude, Nigel…but…I have some personal circumstances in my life at the moment. I would very much prefer not to get into that.” I shook my head at Nigel.

 “Oh, sure. Sure. Whatever you say.” Nigel eyed me peculiarly for a moment. I wished a waitress would come fill our water goblets because I was completely parched at this point. I needed a distraction.

 “Veronica? You feelin’ okay?” I asked leaning over to her. She turned to me.

 “I think so, just a little queasy at the moment. I think I just really need somethin’ to eat.” Veronica answered me, putting her hand on her stomach. I nodded my head.