Love, Out of Nothing At All

You Live, You Learn

“Veronica, I’ll be back, okay? I couldn’t smoke in the Catholic place and they aren’t letting me smoke in here! Give me just a few.” I patted Veronica’s back and she smiled at me.

 “Alright, I’ll be fine.” Veronica said.

 “You sure? I can leave a bag with you if you think you need it.” I assured her. She smiled at me.

 “I’ll be okay, really. Go have your cigarette. I know you’re ready.” Veronica laughed. I smiled at her and grabbed my pashmina before making my way toward the door that led to the terrace.

 Back at the round table toward the back of the room, Brian was well into his fifth glass of champagne. “Hey…” Brian threw the end of the feather boa around his neck dramatically. “…you seein’ anybody?” he winked at Chrissie. She turned blood red and laughed at Brian as she took another drink of her champagne.

 “I am. He’s so very smart and sexy. He makes me weak.”

 “Well, you tell him that I’m a vegetarian and I ain’t fuckin’ scared a’ him.” Brian took another sip of champagne. Chrissie laughed hysterically.

 “Oh my god! Brian! Brian…you….you’re gonna’ make me pee my pants!” Chrissie was laughing to the point where tears were forming in her eyes.

 “Wanna’ dance with me? I’ll wear the boa.” Brian raised his eyebrows at Chrissie. That did nothing to alleviate her laughter. She held her hand out to Brian and took one last drink of her champagne before letting him pull her out of her seat and toward the dance floor. Roger was fingering the base of his second glass of champagne and staring at the floral centerpiece as Brian and Chrissie left and Freddie and Mary talked to John. His blank expression changed as he stopped circling the bottom of the champagne glass.

 The terrace was truly breathtaking after dark. It was a covered balcony with uniform archways throughout the length of it that were cut out of the walls. The stucco pillars in the center of each archway touched the black rod iron railing, The lights were low, which didn’t disrupt the city lights beyond. It was quite breezy, being up so high the winds were constant and this January night had me in its icy grip. I shivered as the January air tore through me. The door closed behind me and it latched with a resonating thud. I was alone. Just me and the cold, cold Kensington night. The flick of my lighter echoed along the terrace walls. The wind whistled and lonesomely moaned as its cries collided with the slurred commotion coming from the ballroom.

 I looked over my shoulder to my right. There were heavy, burgundy curtains tied in the center that hung between each of the massive windows that separated the terrace from the ballroom. It looked so warm and inviting compared to the utter desolation in which I was standing. The polished marble floors echoed beneath my footsteps, hollow and with void. I inhaled my cigarette smoke deeply and walked toward the rod-iron railin’, putting my hands on the frigid railin’. The wind gusts caught the slit in my dress, blowing it around and exposing my thigh to the cruel night. Layers of black chiffon and silk collided with the night’s canvas. I shifted my gaze to the cityscape before me as the massive clock tower began to chime hauntingly in the distance. The city looked like a diamond landscape tonight, much like the diamonds that hung from my neck. In the low light, my diamonds shown with the faintest and most subdued sheen. I shifted my focus to the bridge, the lights of the traffic passing over it as the white noise of the city mingled with the cars in the distance in a numbing murmur. I took another long drag on my cigarette.

 A wind gust caught me by surprise and whipped my velvet pashmina off my shoulders and back against the stucco wall. “Fuck.” I muttered under my breath as I shivered. The nighttime air assaulted my barren shoulders. My hand shook as I began to draw my cigarette to my lips again. I could hear the door thud closed behind me. It startled me and I dropped my cigarette. I hadn’t even heard it open. I audibly gasped, losing my balance slightly. I turned around on my stilettos quickly as I held on to the railin’. My blood ran cold in my veins. As if this bleak black of night weren’t cold enough. I was paralyzed as I stood there and my eyes locked…

 “I get it now. I fuckin’ get it. I fucked us up. I betrayed you, Lydia. I’m still me…I’m fuckin’ still me. I finally understand the message you’ve been sendin’. I made…a huge mistake…because I hurt you….I hurt you….I hurt….the best fuckin’ thing in my life….and yet…you haven’t screamed your head off at me. But I hurt you…I hurt you because I betrayed everything we have, Lyd.” Roger was having a hard time keeping his composure. “I took your trust and I fucked it over!” Roger put his hand over his mouth. “Oh god… shit…I can’t do this anymore…I love you so damn much.” And then…

 It was a collision; a collision of black velvet and black chiffon. My arms shook as I held on to Roger. I did what I hadn’t been able to do in a month: I cried. Not just any tears. Hard. Streaming. Wailing tears. I clenched my teeth to the point of near breaking because I didn’t want Roger to see this side of me. I could feel his fingers digging into my back and his lips on my neck. There may have even been a touch or two of tear in his eye as well. But I wasn’t sure and it didn’t matter.

 “I love you.” I could hear Roger’s weak voice as he kissed my neck. “I love you.” He repeated again. “It’s okay, babe.” I felt his lips on my neck again. “It’s okay. Don’t hide those tears. Don’t hide ‘em…It’s okay. God, you’re so thin….why…why are you so thin...I can feel the bones in your back, Lydia. Why did I do this to you…” Roger’s voice was broken. I was still cryin’ on his shoulder…cryin’ like I never had before in all my life. Like I said, I was so out of touch with my emotions that this was all new to me. I had no idea how to control these tears.

 “Roger…” I had managed to sob at least a little less…enough to talk logically. “Roger…” I sobbed. “…I love you. I never stopped lovin’ you. I love you…and I…I…shit….fuck, Roger. Now my mascara’s everywhere…” I pulled his lips into mine. It was the most long overdue of kisses. I had long black streaks running down my face as my tears melted into his cheek. Not only was it long overdue, it was quite passionate, my tongue colliding with his. I swear, I don’t think I could have held on to him any tighter and the same went for Roger. I don’t think he could have held on to me any tighter.

 “I don’t care, Lyd. I don’t give a fuck about that.” Roger mumbled into my neck. I regained my composure enough to pull Roger’s face up to where I could rest my forehead on his. I kissed him again.

 “When we…when we were at Ridge Farm this summer…you asked me…If I’d be here for you, Roger. And I told you…I told you that you would make mistakes. I never said I wouldn’t make you learn from those mistakes. And I never….never once said, I’d stop lovin’ you.” Roger swallowed hard.

 “I know…I know that’s what you said, Lydia. I fuckin’ get it. I know that I…” I cut Roger off.

 “Ssshhhhh….sweetheart…” It was another one of those kisses that was more than desperate and so very heated. We still clung to each other so very tightly in the low light and the miserably cold wind. In Roger’s arms nothing felt cold. “I love you…I love you, Roger.” I couldn’t fight off this next wave of tears and honestly, I don’t think he wanted me to fight them. I was the only one who wanted to fight them.

"Don't let go...Lyd, please....please don't let go..." I could hear his muffled voice and feel his hot breath against my shoulder.

 Inside the warmth and comfort of the ballroom, Chrissie gasped. From the opposite side of the room, she looked through the solid glass wall.

 “Oh my god…oh my god, Brian….Brian, look!” Chrissie slapped him on the shoulder repeatedly and held her hand over her heart as she tried to catch her breath.