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Chapter 25--The Bad Case Of Loneliness

Harper

I've messed everything up. Staying with Vincent's family the rest of my Christmas break was this insane guilt trip. I think they all noticed something was off because I didn't talk as much or participate. Mrs. Sanders tried getting me to talk and eventually I settled with semi-lying. I told them I found my godparents. Which is true, but definitely not the source of my anxiety.

On New Year's, we all went to a friend's house. Vincent and I stayed put while little kids ran around and the adults drank. Everyone's families were together, but Vincent and I were the only two college kids. We spent our time outside on the porch next to the small campfire. The teens playing videogames inside and smaller kids tagging each other or kicking a soccer ball around. Vincent showed them a few tricks and they all instantly liked him.

"You know," Vincent said once we settled around the campfire. A smile on his face, "I think this is going to be a good year."

I felt my stomach plummet. The new year hasn't arrived yet and I'm already starting it on a bad note. I wish I could tell Vincent what happened, but how do I even bring that up in a conversation.

Hey, I cheated on you by kissing another guy.

In full honesty, a kiss probably isn't the problem. It's the fact that I enjoyed it way more than I should have. The worst part is, I just want to talk to Logan about it. And now I can't. Not only is Logan not speaking to me, he's ignoring me entirely. It feels like I've lost a best friend and I don't know who else to talk to.

I wouldn't be able to talk about this situation to anyone. I can't tell Vincent. I can't tell Penny or Beth because they're part of Vincent's gang. If I even briefly mention it to the Misfits they would freak out or make it very uncomfortable—probably both. Honestly, I wouldn't know if they would take Logan's side or mine. Knowing I'm the one that initiated the kiss, everyone is going to take the side that isn't mine. They're all going to be biased in some sort of way.

As much as I don't want to feel alone, I do.

"Happy New Year's princess," Vincent says as everyone shouts when the clock strikes twelve.

Vincent leans forward, kissing me softly on the lips. I focus on him. His soft warm lips that make me feel like I'm melting away. I sigh out when he pulls away. Putting his arm over my shoulders and making me smile gently.

"I love you," He says blowing into a party favor while placing a paper crown on my head.

I laugh softly, grabbing the party favor from his fingers. "Love you too," I say blowing the noisemaker into his face.

He laughs and I smile. I want it to feel the same, but it doesn't. I love him—I always will—but as he looks away towards his parents, I think of Logan. Logan's smile and laugh. Logan's lips that are cold and rough. The way he made me feel like I was buzzing with energy.

I want to cry I'm so confused. So torn.

That's besides the point. I need to forget. To simply act like nothing has changed and then maybe it'll feel like that's the truth. Logically, it should work. But I haven't been very logical lately. And I'm not sure if I can be.

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Being back on campus makes me feel a bit better. I've had time away from Logan and I've realized that maybe I just had a weak moment. First chance I get, I'll go and apologize to him. Being around the Sanders for the holidays, with their laughing and kindness made me notice how much I do in fact love them.

When I told them I found my godparents they were thrilled and even offered hosting a dinner to get to know them. I said that the idea would have to wait because first I plan on getting to know them—and my parents—a little bit better. My mind is still in a state of denial. This is the closest I've ever known about my real family. It's exciting yet nauseating at the same time.