helpless crush || lams fluff fanfic HAMILTON

chap 5: "that wasn't a lie, John."

johns pov

we sat on my bed, a pity party at most, for the stupid sad teenager, great. peggy sat by me, slightly rubbing my back, thanks that helps, I could see the pain she held in her eyes. however, as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't relive her, the pain I felt held me captive, keeping my speech at an annoyed and torn down tone, keeping my thoughts to nothing but that night. I remember this morning, I woke up to alexanders kind eyes layed on me, a sweet smile, the same smile he held last night, and that's what reminded me, that's what caused those conflicting feelings to arise, that's what hurt.i wished that night never happened... I love Alex to bits but it was all too sudden. thinking of him, thinking of that night, it just brought up conflicting feelings that I didn't want to deal with, conflicting thoughts that I couldn't deal with...

"jhon...what happened, please tell me, don't worry ill help, I promise!" Peggy said hurriedly, a forced smile pulling her lips.

"no" 

with a pitiful sigh, she continued my pity party, laf by her side.

"well...if its any help, I um..talked to Alex," she said with prying eyes

Alex, god... Alex

noticing my sudden interest, she continued  " well...he kinda..sh-shouted at me, I think he was crying? I don't know wh-"

"Goodness, yes, yes, mon ami, I and herc asked him and he was very...emotional" laf interrupted.

"what...d-did he say?"I choked...what does he think of me now?

"well...." they looked at each other knowingly, a worried look plastered over their features

"he was very....how you say? distressed? he said that he did not know what happened, that you were annoyed and he just...did not know..?"

"yeh, that's basically what he yelled at me, that he didn't know"

oh, shit...alex...

"p-Peggy?" I didn't realize, but my voice had turned stone cold. I lay there, in the sheets, that wasn't so comforting anymore..

"yes, jo-"

"please leave."

"...what-"

"PLEASE LEAVE PEGGY"

"no..john I am not leaving you like...t-this." she shot back, placing a limp hand on my quivering shoulder

I shot it away in one quick movement, watching their pained faces as I shot up from the bed, my head was clouding up with thoughts of Alex. there was no turning back now was there? i need somewhere to go where I won't disappoint anyone. 

I ran

------------------------------the cleaning supply closet------------------

the familiar smell of chemicals flooded my lungs as I slid down onto the cold floor, I didn't really expect to make such a mess of this. I've hurt Alex, I've hurt my friends, and by doing all of this I have even hurt myself. I thought as I cried. familiar strikes of thunder filled my head. 

great, a storm, this helps calm me down! the unfriendly strikes of thunder filled my sight in short flashes.

god why do I have to be so selfish, why couldn't I just have told him, why did I have to usher him away? he doesn't deserve this, my friends don't even know what happened. how do I expect things to get better if I don't tell anyone?

I've got to tell Alex what happened.

yup, that's what I'm doing, no more sappy John, I gotta go gotta get the job done. I pulled myself out of my mood into a rush of adrenaline, most had stayed in their dorms due to the raging thunder, so all I had to do was pace round empty hallways and up empty stairs to meet..an empty Alexander...

who cares I'm on my way already, trudging through the hall, I'll have to talk to him about what happened, ill tell him how I feel, it'll all be alright. 

I wasn't happy, but I was determined to make things right..because I had ruined enough.

my feet walked before me, I had no time to think before I found myself knocking on a familiar wooden door, Alexander hamiltons dorm room door. I was glued to the place where I stood, hoping for him to at least answer, I didn't care if he would shut the door in my face right there and then, i just wanted to know if he was okay. 

knock knock 

nothing.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

a light sobbing sound came from the other side, followed by wails about, drowning?

"Alex!? it's John! I'm sorry.." I shouted by the door, my face desperately pressed up against it.

thunder. the wailing got louder and more desperate. I could hear his shaky breaths and mumbles.

this wasn't just me - Alex isn't okay. I pressed a strong hand against his door, my knocks becoming desperate punches, my knuckles getting redder and redder, I was getting more distressed by the second, Alex is in there wailing..for just someone, and no one is there. one more violent push and the door slammed open, hitting the wall with a loud thud.

the broken door slid open to reveal a disheveled room, containing one small shaking boy, huddled under his desk, screaming and wailing at each blast of thunder as light filled the room in sudden bursts. alexs features contorted into an expression of pure terror, his wonderful eyes screwed forcefully shut, hot tears running out of them uncontrollably, his jaw locked shut, grinding his teeth as he screamed silently. he was helpless.

I carefully took a few small steps towards him, careful not to cause even more pain. finally, I had walked across his room to the desk, an old wooden table, of which everything had been swiped away onto the floor, tear marks on his bed, almost everything had been thrown out of place, by him. I slowly crouched down to his level, my knuckles slightly bleeding.  looking into his features closely, I noticed him peek at me quickly, just before another hit of thunder filled the room.

I sat down next to him. looking into his shaking figure, placing a hand on his arm. 

the shivering boy pulled his glazed eyes open, those shimmering cocoa eyes I could get lost in, they stared at me, swirling with emotions I failed to tell apart. his arms moved apart slowly, carefully, as if rehearsed, and in one sweet movement, he pulled his hot body onto mine, warmth radiating off him onto me, our hearts pressed close together, he tenderly buried his wet cheeks into my shoulder, crying out at the sudden flashes of lightning that followed. our bodies pressed together closely as we hugged each other for dear life. I placed a soft kiss on his head, earning a soft hum from him as he pressed into me.

I took him into his bed, holding him bridal style as he stayed nuzzled into me, keeping our temperature. his breathing had calmed down and his body had peacefully relaxed as I whispered comforting thoughts to him. a smile creeping on my lips. we lay down on his soft bed, covered by the cotton covers, our only protection from the world around us. he lay facing me, his head still buried in my chest, our legs entangled together as our chests rose and fell at slow paces.  at the moment, he had planted a few soft kisses on my collarbone, but I didn't mind one bit. it was just me and him with each other, no one else, just us, cuddled up together in the soft sheets.

"Alex?"

"yes?"

"last night -"I felt him look up at me, I saw the hope in his eyes, I was going to tell him what happened.

"you told me you love me."

"that wasn't a lie, John."

(hiii, this ISNT THE END AHAHAHAHH also, there has been a lot of storms recently where I am so this is where I got my ideas)