helpless crush || lams fluff fanfic HAMILTON

Chap 18: "drown him."

john pov

I woke up in my dorm, with Lafayette sleeping close to me, tears dry on my face but still prominent. they say for the first three seconds when you wake up, you can't remember anything. I wish that was true for me, because as soon as I noticed the dry tears gluing my eyes shut, I noticed the feelings attached to them, and god I wish I hadn't. a strong pair of arms was hugging me, my dorm mate, even when sleeping his features held a distinct sympathetic expression.

I know what happened, I know what he did. I can't get my head around how it happened or why he would... I just can't understand it. that doesn't mean I'm not hurt, because shit it hurt. you know when you can feel your heart breaking, a literal pain in your chest that violently vibrates through your body. yeah, fun.

I don't want to move out of bed, I know I have lessons today but whats the point, he is going to be there. I just...i..yeah. well, I'm not moving from this bed, there is no point, it's almost like my heart is this boulder weighing me down. I look around to see Lafayette, fully clothed, matching myself in a messy and painfully tear socked bed. I don't want to move but laf is uncomfortably close...like spooning me hard, I guess that's what he does to help, it would make sense. 

"mhmm hey laf.," I say when honestly I feel like a mute.

he gives a small hum and pulls me closer, nuzzling his face into my neck. I've got to say its an odd sensation when its one your boyfriend doe- I don't want to think about him. either way uncomfortable as it is its comforting to be so safe.

after 10 or so minutes of guiltily enjoying the warmth and trying to think about anything but what he did (which was harder than you think) the large french body pressed onto me shifted, in which I assume was him waking up.

"laf-" flushed by the warm sun through the window, the warm bed and the seemingly calm dorm, in the light of the sun laf interrupted me by placing soft lips on my neck slowly, planting kisses at my jaw and falling downwards to my shoulder like a drunk man. feeling my breath become hotter and a shiver down my spine, I felt my cheeks flush red as he continued, god I was uncomfortable yes I was very uncomfortable my body changed to stone and my heart was the one thing moving, pounding inside of me heavily for one reason or another. one shit thing has already come to my attention I don't think I need two as good as it feels....god this is awful I don't even lik-

"morning babe" I heard him say, in a sleepy tone, barely awake I could tell. 

I turned around to meet his face, eyes closed sleeping happily, my mind was racing through thought to thought about what this meant, was this a thing, does he like me, what the fuck. I have never liked him that way i

"oh my putain de Dieu, John I uh well you know d-didn't think, fuck merde shit shit, I uh umm.."

I lay there looking through him like some confused defenseless animal, who had just had their mother killed, and no that's not dramatic it felt very much like that.

he calmed down, taking a deep breath and looking at this scared deer in the eyes "...I'm so sorry, I thought you were herc." I knew it, it's not like anyone cares about me anyway who would? he thought I was someone he actually cared about but no its just the boy who needs help, I really should have known great now I can't talk to him, I cant vent about his own brother to him god I'm such a shit person for liking that, even a little good riddance to me, the bad rubbish right?? rig-

"Yeah um, it's okay..." I managed to laugh. I know I'm being dramatic. I know I don't need to think these things but, well..my life is just getting worse by the second and I don't want to deal with it. I wish I didn't have to.

I layed back down into my bed, feeling shallow and empty. laff got up and went to get dressed, because classes.

"we have class mon ami. aren't you going? "

"do I look like I'm going to go to fucking class." I spit my words like venom fully intending every bite. however sudden it was... I guess I couldn't go another second without being a bitch huh. god, this is not me.

I sunk my head into the soft pillow, letting this numbing empty feeling consume my every thought, I had cried too much, now I have nothing left to feel.

------------------------

parting my eyes to meet the dull grey colors surrounding me, swirling around in my mind trying to cover the thoughts that swim in it. him. I must've dozed off after that, it's still day, it's still light. doesn't feel like it. in fact, nothing feels like it should, I know why that is. I move under the thin covers, sitting against the wall slowly, muscles aching, my brain numbed to the world around me. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to think...but i know that wont end well. it was blowjobs, the fucking love of my life alexander hamilton was giving Jefferson blowjobs while we were fucking together, did he not even care about me? I know it, he was probably just faking it out of pitty, makes sense. he said he didn't like them well shit why didn't he stop? IF HE LOVED ME HE WOULD STOP I KNOW IT. I know Jeffersons a scumbag I know he hates Jefferson but...shit that's what "debate club" was. I'm a real fucking fool no wonder he sucked off Jefferson. whatever dad said was probably true, he said it for a reason. "to keep Eliza happy" that's probably real bullshit I haven't seen Eliza around Jefferson in my life.

I know he liked it because when laf kissed me even i liked it a little. I know he liked it.

I turn around and curl up into a ball, burying my head in my knees in a desperate attempt to drown out this shit world, drown out his sick lies, drown out him. drown him.

ding!

I uncover my face, unraveling my starved body and look towards my phone, sitting there on a small wooden table next to the bed. hidden by the bed sheets I reach out, grabbing the phone to check texts. maybe it's from him, no no no fuck you john stop thinking like that.

lex: I love you.

fucking liar. 

(( hi guys overall this is a pretty terrible chapter its more an update on johns mind and how he handles it all, the next will be much more eventful I'm sorry if you don't like this stuff even I don't. anyways I've been really ill and sad hah thank you for reading!!! I WILL do a next chapter I promise))