helpless crush || lams fluff fanfic HAMILTON

chap 19: "10times dumber, dumbass."

alex pov

my fingers fumble over the screen, anxious not to get caught.

dear john, I don't know what to say, I'm sorry, it didn't mean anything and I wish you hadn't found out this way, I swear I still loved you, so don't think otherwise, everything that happened... I wanted to protect myself from Eliza! Can you understand that right? I did what I had to do! I didn't enjoy it, it was more a job I had to do, I still love you john.. there were no feelings for him I swear, you know it wouldn't have happened like this if you didn't get so angry, I can't believe you somet|    | SEND |

as soon as I typed it my fingers had nervously deleted the lot, hoping for something...some better excuse? I kept my shaking thumb held on backspace even when all was gone, I wanted to delete what happened. all of it. I kept my glowing phone secure under the table, making sure the students next to me would pay no mind to the text-down I was having (like breakdown..get it? ugh what has that boy done to me)

john, it was all a big mistake|    | SEND |

no, no no I can't say it like that...

jakie, im s|    | SEND |

no, he won't like that...

you didn't have to find out like this..you don't know all the details! I loved you even if I was doing that, I barely even did it anyway, and it was for ELIZA.  I still lo|    | SEND |

how the fuck do I even explain..this. how do i- ugh.

hey, I know your probably mad at me...or sad or something I just want you to know that|       | SEND |

gah, that's so cliche! 

you know you could just come to talk to me but instead you through a little fit when you put your nose into other peoples business, you weren't supposed to know and look how that fucking went|     | SEND |

no..hes already in a state I can't just fucking... 

I love you|     | SEND |

I quickly press send, my hands shaking, Washington very nearly noticing the state I was in. I sat in my seat silently, my mind was screaming, the people around me seemingly doing the same, everywhere. hustling students working around their terrible mental health, mountains of paperwork, under the watch of the man I trusted, glaring at our every move. while I'm here, having just sent a stupid fucking text me my ex. hi, I'm Alexander Hamilton, the fucking failure of a boyfriend...am I even a boyfriend?? fuck why did I go through with it?

Washington would call for us to leave soon, in a minute maybe, either way, I'm getting out for the day, maybe I can visit john...no he wouldn't want me there..but I could anyway, I mean ive go-

"Alright, you can go now." the strong voice from the front of class calls, setting a wave of students in motion, heading down the hall like a swarm of bees, bombarding me as I set up, getting my thoughts together and heading through the crowded room.

I got through into the main hall, drudging through everyone in seeming solitude. I say "seeming solitude" because I can see Peggy bee-lining to me through the crowds. if I run away she will shout, if I face it...she will probably shout, does she even know? I hope not, well... I could see her coming closer like a predator attacking its prey, she didn't look angry, but really, who knows, its Peggy we are talking about. she finally gets to me, taking a place by my side and looking right through me already as we walk.