Alex PoV
I'm shaking, it's all shaking. I can't solve this...I can't solve this...but I can't live with it either.i need a response, I need to change things I need to fix things what the fuck have I done. I drop my phone to the table with a thud, screen still bright with his words, and move to the kitchen quickly. I need some water, if I don't throw it up, I need some water.
"Alex??? This is Mariah, Peggy gave me the key, can I borrow that tech book?" Her shrill voice shook my senses out of this emotional coma.
"Erm..yeah sure!" I tried to sound as happy as I could, if she knows, I don't want any "what happened"s.
And soon she was gone.
John Pov
Sunlight fills the room, my dorm room. It's mine it's mine it's mine. Why can I still smell him? It's not his it's mine mine mine mine min- am I going crazy? I pull my eyes open, soaked and sticky, letting the heavy emotions of never forgetting weigh down on my chest before I even have time to think, my minds at constant running speed and this haze has confused it enough to fucking slow it down. My vision is blurred but opened to our bed sheets, delicate orange sunlight shining through the window as it always did, coating our room in gold, it seems like mucus now. Everything I set my eyes on stinks of him, of our experiences, of his love...love, the love he never had. Who the fuck would. Alright that's enough for me. I'm buried in covers, soft and comfortable covers that drip venom into my mind, in a room alone, I can only be thankful I'm alone, my features are permanently puffy from pain, and I don't care enough to change that. I'm reaching through the covers for my phone, it's lost in a pit of sheets and I need to know if it's okay to just go back to peaceful ignorance already. Sleep.
4:37pm
I guess the fuck not. I'll be stuck starring at my ceiling all day, my ceiling. Mine. Who knows if staring is possible when the pain in your eyes holds more of a gaze. My reality seems so much more like reality now, I can't have thought this would work out, I can't have been stuck in a dreamland for my whole life where it's him I'm dating, dreams can't become reality because then reality becomes a dream and dreams always end. What am I even going on about. I would like to shut my eyes but the ceiling is a much more pleasant view than our memories. My memories. His must've been different. Here come the bloody water wor-
"John..? Is it alright if I come in, Mariah is here too if that's okay?" I hear the cautious quiet voice of Peggy chime in on my troubles, if it's a distraction I'm getting then that's what I'm taking.
I give a grunt of agreement, I know my voice would crack with anything more, it would be drenched in the pain I've felt all day. I turn and watch as they walk into the dorm, quietly observing the mess I've put it through, the effort of trying to erase his smell, his dirt, his- yeah. Individual clothes surround the floor through my part, my pillow is stained with emotion and it seems my whole bed has the same mark, no amount of mucus sunlight could change that. Their faces froze in a distinct expression of what I call empathy and embarrassment as they carefully sat down on the edge of my bed.
"so, how have you been handling it?" Peggy nervously asked, as careing as it sounded, it was nervous.
"What happened with him?"
"Mari!" Peggy snapped, she's considerate, but..what's fact is fact.
"H-he did uhm..sexual..favours" the words felt like blood in my mouth "with..Thomas..f-for Eliza" I hadn't realised how disgusting this situation sounded, now that I'm hearing out loud. I felt numb and disgusted with myself even..
Maria's face lit up, as if she's remembered an answer in a test but forgot it the next moment, she looked confused, but didn't reply for a while, her features slowly contorting into ones of horror and saddness to shock..The room filled with cold silence, it's dumb to say, but that felt more comfortable. It let me think befo-
"Oh Jesus...Peggy...remember when I...Jesus....that wasn't...he's...and then he...he forced..and blackmailed....John oh my god.." I don't know what's happening, I just felt a wave of adrenaline, a need to care for her as much as I wanted to be cared for. I don't know what she's saying, I've no idea what's happening, but she looks almost traumatised, Peggy shares the same look. I'm not getting something here, I'm really not getting something here. I. Don't. Understand.
"...fuck,fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...so he...he actually..." I've never seen Peggy like this, she looks horrified..at what he did?? Doesn't she already know
"...yeah....and now he's...Jesus Alex I feel so.."
"Holy shit..do we call the police?...I mean...there's so much..."
"What happened?.." I finally stutter, this is getting overwhelming, I don't know what the fuck is going on..
They both take a moment to look at each other in grievance, as if talking secretly through subtle glances, peggy wipes away a tear and Mariah gently puts a hand on Peggy's, gripping her soft skin as I grip on reality, all I want to do is comfort them, but I have no real idea of what the hell is happening here. Peggy goes to say something but stops herself, looking at me longingly, as if somehow she could communicate by glance alone what's happening here. There is no embarrassment in her eyes anymore, something else has taken over.
"John..I saw something..and I think...maybe..this isn't..what it seems" Mariah utters, being visibly careful with her words. I would jump on denying this situation any day but...I can't, it doesn't seem real, yes, but they can't just deny it?
"I saw the sexual..f-favours once...by accident! And..I don't think they w-were what he says.." She's visibly agitated now, so am i, the room seems a lot darker, and my eyes are heavy, I don't need to think about him now but...
"A-and I saw these..t-texts John? On his phone? And...I just.." She broke in hot tears, her sad eyes had given way through that sentence. I feel numb, I'm supposed to be thinking and realising and understanding but I can't.
"I'm sorry John."
(YOOOO GUESS WHOS BACK AFTER ABANDONING THIS---- me. Hi hi hi. MERRY XMAS. also sorry for not updating, I completely lost it, but I'm BACC! Hope you guys like this chapter, there is more of a plot to this I swear, I wana end thisss bookkkk. I still love it tho. BTW I HAVE A NEW BOOK OUT,. ONLY ONE CHAPTER BUT IM WORKING ON IT. MAYBE GIVE THAT CHAPTER A READ IF YA WANT I'm using a different device do sorry for bad grammar ect ect. ALSO 4K!!!! JESUS. What inspired me to write another chap is the comments I'm getting, I read them and I just feel so happy that I'm making someone else happy? You know who you are, recent commenter!! ;) !!!!! )))
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helpless crush || lams fluff fanfic HAMILTON
Romancejohn has a deep crush on his hardworking classmate Alexander, this semester, they have to sit together in tech...and they get talking! (college au fluff angst) Alex is an awkwardguy and hardworking flirt who survives on his sQuAd and coffee john Lau...
